


Miscommunication

by MirandasMadeOfStone



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/F, F/M, Good Intentions, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Miscommunication, Misunderstanding, OCD, Rejection, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-09 13:00:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 58,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3250601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirandasMadeOfStone/pseuds/MirandasMadeOfStone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU Finn’s gone to Leeds and stays there. It’s pretty dark, this fiction, but it does get better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Autumn had arrived with its drizzly damp days and perpetual fog that never seemed to leave, blocking out the sun and making it impossible to see clearly.

Finn had been working for his uncle Neil in Leeds for a few weeks now. The work was hard physical labour which left his hands cut and calloused. Finn worked hard, very hard, but he was always first on site in the morning and stayed at the end of the day doing extra jobs for his uncle, leaving as late as possible at night. Much to his uncle’s surprise, Finn even voluntered for the “waltzer shift” on Saturday mornings. (The Saturday morning shift had earned its name by the lads who always hated working after the usual alcohol fuelled Friday night bender. The huge amounts of alcohol consumed combined with very little sleep and the dodgy kebabs covered in too much spicy sauce from Dimitri’s rusty little van, took their toll, such that lads were left dry mouthed, nauseous and exhausted the next day and working felt like being on a fairground waltzer.)

Finn worked as much and for as long as he possibly could. He had always been relatively fit and strong due to football and his gym training but this was continual hard labour which was punishing on even the most hardened lads’ bodies. It made all his muscles ache, he had never known such tiredness but he continued to push himself through the pain and work as hard he as he could. Neil tried to get the boy to slow down, have the odd lie-in or day off but Finn was stubborn and carried on regardless.

Finn found that the physical pain was the only thing that took him away from his anguish, for he could not forget Rae. But he knew from their last conversation on HER bed, that those feelings were not reciprocated - she had been so distracted, so distant and he knew he had to leave that night. He initially thought he could somehow physically force his feelings out and away from him by working hard and getting on with life, but after a few weeks, he realised this plan had woefully underestimated the depth of those feelings he was trying to forget.

He’d done well at first though. Going out with the lads on their weekend piss-ups. They weren’t exactly the gang and some of them were more like the twats he’d known from Dalehead but at least he wasn’t drinking alone. The lads with their bodies toned through their physical jobs were a hit with the ladies. A couple were real jack the lads and were intitally threatened by Finn as girls were always drawn to him. It wasn’t always physical either, some genuinely wanted to understand why he was so sombre and tried to sit on his lap and talk to him soothingly. But they soon gave up when he turned his head away, or got up and left. He’d even kissed a couple at first, rather it was them kissing him but he’d pushed them away, because somehow it didn’t feel right. So the lads quickly accepted Finn as the silent moody one who only came alive when certain songs were played.

*******************************************************************************

Neil called Gary one night as he was concerned with Finn’s drinking partying and working.

"Gary, I know he’s a young lad and he’s never been a great one with words, but this isn’t right. Up at the crack of dawn, eats breakfast and he’s on site by 7, home at 7, eats again and goes out drinking. Never a word more than he needs to say. It’s the drinking I’m most worried about and thought you should know. He’s not as old and tough as most of the other lads and he is my nephew. I know youngsters get up to these things but since mum died I think we all need to stick together a bit more."

There was pause as Finn’s father took a deep breath, “I know Neil. He’s always been quiet since his mum left but he took it real hard when mum died. She was like a second mother to him.”, Gary scratched his head and swallowed, “I should have known something was wrong when he insisted that he was leaving and I drive him up to yours in the middle of the night. He doesn’t talk to me much. Though he seemed to have a good group of friends that helped him after mum died. I was too wrapped up in the funeral and all but I think some girl was a good friend.”

"This girl she doesn’t happen to be called Rae? Does she?"

"Yes she was. I met a couple of times. They seemed so suited to me, always talking about music. You know what Finn’s like with his music, he takes it so seriously. But you know this modern stuff’s not like the classic stuff, I mean it’s hardly up there with the Quo or Queen.. I bet he’s driving you mad with that music, making you feel like a dinosaur."

Neil laughed, “Yeah, the music’s on most nights. Well, that is The Smiths are on most nights. You know, he’s had a few calls from a couple of lads and Rae has called a few times now but he’s out most of the time and passes out drunk when he gets back from the pub with the music on. The number of times I’ve had to go in and switch the decks off! Thing is, after he spoke to Archie, was it? Well he’s been worse since then. I wasn’t going to mention this but he got into a fight that night and a couple of the lads from work had to bring him home..”

"Oh god, Neil, perhaps I should come and pick him up. I’ll have to take some more time off work but he’s my boy. I knew something was up with his group of friends because he stopped talking about them and going out with them before he went. He did have this girlfriend Olivia - I wondered if it was breaking up with her that pushed him to want to move away in such a hurry. He’s been angry and upset since then but I’m not sure why talking to Archie would have made things worse."

Neil was silent for a second and said “Look Gary, I know you can’t afford to take anymore time off, he’s a good lad and I’m happy for him to stay but I’m going to have to talk to him about the fighting. Hopefully he’ll get over this Olivia in a few more weeks and then perhaps you should come up for Christmas. I think he just needs more time to settle in. It’s hard for a young lad being away from home and with all these little reminders of home, well they just set him back don’t they? Remember when you and I left home”.

"Yeah - I realised how much I missed mum when she came to visit with tins of her tea cakes and her home-cooked stew and it made it harder being away." Gary interrupted with a lighter voice.

"Thanks Neil, Christmas sounds like a plan, but you will let me know if this carries on or gets worse, won’t you? I really can’t have him getting into fights".

After Gary had said his goodbyes, Neil thought back to when he and Gary left home and had gone to London. They wanted to grow up and see the world, earn their own money and have a good time. But,of course, London was different to the Yorkshire village where they had grown up and the brothers had become rather homesick. Work was hard and they didn’t have much money as London was so much more expensive and everytime mum came to visit, they missed the countryside, their friends and home that bit more.

Finn was like the son Neil and his wife had never been able to have. He felt very protective over him and resolved to help him as best as he could. Gary had helped him out so many times over the years and this was one way he could return the kindness shown to him.

When Rae rang the next day, he told her truthfully Finn was out but she hung up before he could catch her name, he mentioned it to Finn the next evening - that a girl called. Later that night Finn stumbled home again, incoherently muttering something about Rae and Olivia.

So when Rae rung again later that week sounding a bit tearful, Neil resolved that all these calls from home were making it harder for Finn to settle in and so he told her;

"I am really sorry love, it’s just that Finn doesn’t want to talk to you at the moment."

He could hear soft sniffling at the end of the phone and he felt bad, but he knew he needed to look after Finn. So he softly said

"You know he’s finding it hard to settle in right now. He misses home a lot and I’m sure it’ll sort itself out in time." He could hear more sniffing at the end of the phone, "oh" said a soft female voice.

"And so it’s probably best that you leave him be for a little while. I expect he’ll be himself again come new year and he’ll be ready to talk to you."

He heard crying and phone was hung up at the other end. Neil didn’t feel proud of himself, he didn’t intend to make her cry, he just wanted to protect Finn.

*******************************************************************************

Rae had been been doing well. She was so looking forward to finally talking to Finn and telling him all about her news. Rae was feeling pretty proud of herself, she’d coped with her mother nearly dying during childbirth, she now had a lovely baby sister Jasmine, the gang was more or less back together, she and Chloe were best mates and both were back at school and doing well. Kester was pleased with her and therapy was going well.

Despite all this, a sadness remained in Rae which she hadn’t wanted to admit was not simply related to Finn’s absence from the gang. It was more complicated than that, she missed him as a friend but also as more than a friend. Rae had been happy to receive the letter through the post from Finn, a sign that there was still a chance.

Heart in mouth, she’d tried to call him that first time when her mother was in hospital but had put the phone down. (She never knew that he’d tried to call her back and found the phone constantly engaged or not answered. A couple of days later, Finn had phoned Archie in desperation and found out about Jasmine. So against his better judgement, he’d done what Archie suggested and had left it a couple of weeks before trying to call again as Archie had said the family was constantly in and out of  the Special Care Baby Unit and needed some time to be a family. When he had finally got through Karim had answered but he couldn’t seem to understand what Finn was saying.  So out of frustration and feeling the huge distance betwen them Finn had gone out with the lads and got drunk.)

Rae had tried to call Finn a few more times and had spoken to Finn’s uncle. So she started to worry about why he wouldn’t return her calls. She’d discussed it with Archie. Archie had been very sympathetic but he was also pretty upset with Finn. Finn hadn’t returned his latest call but deeper down Archie was more upset that Finn’d upped and left without a word, to him, his best mate since they were little. Unbeknown to Rae, Archie had then called Finn in a temper one night having been drinking all afternoon with Chop at the Swan.

(Finn recalls Archie having said something about ” You think you can just leave without saying goodbye, you think you’re more grown up than the rest of us and you don’t need us anymore. We’re mates why won’t you tell me what’s going on…. I thought you cared…..Well just so you know I’m fine and so is Rae, she’s fine without you, more than fine infact….”. Later that night the lads in Leeds had brough Finn home after a fight. Later that week Neil had called Gary to talk about Finn.)

Rae had discussed things with Kester and Chloe. She now felt strong enough to accept that perhaps Finn was busy and needed a bit of time. She’d been busy too helping with Jasmine and with her school work. She was enjoying school again and with Chloe, Izzy and Archie there, she started to realise that actually, she was quite good at school and, perhaps even, really good at English and geography and art.

One night Rae got talking to Izzy in the Swan and heard the familiar notes of Sabotage blasting from the jukebox. “Don’t you remember when you stole Finn’s 20p and put this on! The look on his face! ” Izzy giggled. Rae smiled and said “yeah, he couldn’t cope with the fact I have the superior taste in music and ” she swallowed and looked down.

"You haven’t heard from him yet, have you?" said Izzy tentatively, "It’s just, well it’s been a while and I know you miss him. We all miss him. You know, Chop really misses him but, he’s well, he’s not going to say anything is he, being a boy and all that."

"No, I did try and call a couple of times" Rae said tears pricking her eyes.

Izzy saw her face and said “He’s such a boy, just like Chop, he’s probably avoiding the fact he’s made a bit a tit of himself, rushing off like that and doesn’t know what to do. I think you’re going to have to call him you know. You know what boys are like when they get nervous about things.”

Rae mulled over Izzy’s words. The new brave Rae told herself it was ok, Finn was probably busy and given how their last conversation ended, she felt guilty about wanting to rush off to that party. Yes,on reflection he had being trying to tell her something in her room but she didn’t want to listen right then. So Rae pulled the crumpled letter out of her coat pocket and dialled.

Finn’s Uncle answered. As she heard his words “it’s just that Finn doesn’t want to talk to you”, the tears started to flow. When he mentioned new year, her brain went into overdrive. That was weeks away. Did he hate her? Was she no longer good enough to be his friend? She started sobbing and hung the phone up.

Tears flowed down her cheeks. So that was it, he didn’t want to talk to her anymore and couldn’t even be bothered to tell her himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit dark in places - a fair bit of drinking, some mentions of OCD and Chloe’s past with Ian.

It was a cold, dark morning with a touch of frost on the ground. Rae wrapped up by adding a black crocheted hat and scarf to her usual winter, layered band tees, black converse and coat uniform. The hat and scarf had been a gift from Mrs Dewhurst who had gone overboard knitting for Jasmine and wanted to do something for Rae. Rae wasn’t quite so sure about the pink flower on the side of the hat, but she loved the fact the wool had a sparkly thread running through it.

As she turned round the corner, there was Archie, in his thick checked coat. “Rae, nice to see you this morning, you ok?” Archie noticed Rae was not looking her normal chirpy self, perhaps she was just tired. A number of times she’d slept in his spare room to get a good night’s sleep when Jasmine had been crying with colic all night.

"Yeah" she said eyes cast to the ground. She didn’t want to say anything, no she was perfect brave new Rae and so she had to accept..

"Rae, you sure?" he said putting an arm around her.

That small gesture of kindness brought tears to eyes and that checked jacket, brought Friday’s call back to her. “It’s, well you know, I know he’s having a hard time settling in but” she trailed off.

"I take it we’re talking about Finn here?" Archie said frowning, he got that sinking feeling wondering what his so called best mate had done this time. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it "Come-on you can tell Uncle Archie" he said grinnning and hoping to make her smile.

It worked everytime “How many times do I have to tell you Archer that you are not to call yourself that it’s creepy you weirdo.” Rae bit her lip and continued talking - she needed to share this in the hope it would be less painful “I called and he doesn’t want to speak to me, his uncle said we had to leave him alone. Oh Archie I really screwed up, you know he came round to mine the day he left, he was trying to tellme something but I was going to Uffington with Chlo and well…”

"Rae it’s not you’re fault,it’s not just you. Finn’s a knob sometimes, he’s so grumpy, he doesn’t know what he’s saying."

"But he wouldn’t even talk to me" Rae said with a tremor in her voice, tears in her eyes.

"Then he’s being a right prick Rae. You know last time I spoke to him we had a bit of a row. Let’s just leave that idiot be and he’ll come crawling back when he’s realised what a tosser he’s been" Archie said with very little conviction in his voice. He’d known Finn be quiet and grumpy and withdrawn in the past, when he was sad and low, when he missed his mum, when he was worried about his gran. He’d been amazed how Finn had coped with his gran’s death and funeral, but then that was down to Rae.

"Come-on Rae" he said giving her a hug "It’s freezing out here, let’s go to the caf for a cup of tea, I’ve got a free first thing and I really don’t mind missing football". A small smile appeared on her face.

Archie led Rae into the cafe. He was forming a plan in his mind. Rae had been so good to him and Chloe and now they needed to help her find some happiness again and that probably meant forgetting Finn for a while.

*********************************************************************************

Archie had arranged to meet Chop down the Swan before the girls arrived. Chop got the pints in and settled down at the table.

"What’s up Arch? That twat Simmy hasn’t been bothering you again has he? Cos if he has"

"Nah Chop, it’s Finn."

"Finny boy. oh" Chop had been pretty unimpressed with the way Finn had gone and left, he knew Finn’d had a lot on his mind. Finn had ditched Olivia and, as his brother had said, you don’t leave a classy bird like Olivia unless you have it bad for someone else. And that someone else had to be Rae. They’d had a drunken heart to heart one night where he’d been declaring Izzy the love of his life when Finn’s own declaration had indvertenly slipped out. They’d also discussed college and work. Finn had said he was thinking about quitting college as he might as well be working like Chop, as he wasn’t much good at college and his Uncle had a scaffolding firm in Leeds but Chop had thought it wasn’t serious - it was just the beer talking.

"Chop, he’s refusing to talk to Rae and I think she’s quite upset about it."

"That knob. I’m thinking we should fuckin’ get in my car right now and sort him out. How dare he treat our Raemundo like that!" Chop stood up car keys in hand, fuming. Archie put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down "Come on Chop, you know Rae would hate that, I think we just need to help Rae a bit in forgetting him. So you’re going to have to organise one of your famous parties."

A big grin spead across Chop’s face.

*************************************************************************

Rae had been struggling with the lack of sleep, Jasmine had been crying a lot at night recently. She’d had quite a few sleepovers with Archie and Chloe and Izzy just to get a good night’s sleep. But she knew her mum hadn’t had that luxury and she was clearly finding it hard. Karim was working 3 jobs to keep the family going and he really tried to help out with Jasmine but he was often working nightshifts.

Rae had noticed her mother’s mood dipped. Linda was starting to get more tearful again - like when she thought she was going through the change. But Rae knew this couldn’t be the change now and had thought it must be exhaustion - after all she was flipping old to be having a baby. One afternoon Rae had gone for her weekly cup of tea with Mrs Dewhurst. She had realised that Mrs Dewhurst was lonely and had gone round to thank her for the hat and scarf and had been invited in for a cup of tea. The weekly ritual had developed from there. There was always a pot of tea and biscuits and they chatted about this and that. Rae told her about college and her studies and Mrs Dewhurst talked about her son who lived overseas.

This particular afternoon Rae had told Mrs Dewhurst about her mum and how tired she was. Mrs Dewhurst remembered the exhaustion when her son James had been up at night teething and had volunteered to come over in the afteroons and babysit Jasmine for a couple of hours while Linda could get some sleep. Linda was grateful and Mrs Dewhurst and Karim were proud of how Rae was being thoughtful. Even Kester had told Rae how this wasd another example of how she was doing so well.

However, after a couple of weeks, Rae had noticed her mother’s mood was not improving, if anything, she was more tearful and even hysterical at times. She was very worried about Jasmine getting ill and so brought this up with Kester. Kester had explained this worry about your baby was quite normal, particularly for women whose babies had been in the neonatal unit. Rae wasn’t convinced.

******************************************************************************************

Chloe’s relationship with her mum had improved so much since she’d come home from Ian’s. They started talking, not just about clothes and shoes and hair but about feelings and relationships. Vanessa had even suggested that Rae come for sleepovers so she could get a good night’s sleep and had taken the girls out shopping and to the cinema.

But Vanessa was aware that what had happened with Ian was not going to be easy for Chloe to get over. She’d noticed Chloe was was washing her hands rather more than normal and so one night she had gently suggested that perhaps Chloe might like to talk to that man that Rae talks to. And so Chloe had started her appointments with Kester.

School was a challenge for both girls. Both appeared outwardly confident and toegther or with Archie and Izzy they could deal with Stacey’s gang and the other bullies, but when they were on their own, the taunts and whispering undermined their new found self confidence. Chloe had missed a fair bit of school and was really behind in history so Archie had offered to help her in the library at lunchtimes.

During one of these lunchtime sessions, a tall athletic boy had sat down clapping Archie on his back. “You’re not boring first years again are you Arch? If you carry on this way there’ll be nobody left in history club”.

Archie grinned. “Oi James, I’m not boring Chlo here, I’m trying to explain the use of propaganda in WW1 - Chlo’s missed a bit of school”.

Chloe blushed and looked down. She hated the fact that everyone knew what’d happened and judged her before she even got to speak to them. She gabbed a babywipe from in her bag and started wiping her hands. (She couldn’t wash her hands at school as often as she had needed but had accidently discovered baby wipes thanks to Jasmine). Archie gently pulled the wipe out of hands but James had seen.

"I see so what period are you studying" said James trying to pretend he hadn’t seen the wipe and sat down. He was intrigued by this girl, he’d only seen her in the distance, she was very pretty but she also seemed to like history. At the same time she seemed a bit nervous and he wasn’t really sure why. Being one of the leaders of the history club, along with Archie, James suggested that they both help her as they had specialised in different eras.

From then on, the three would meet and go through Chloe’s missed topic work and Chloe even found herself enjoying it. So she even went to history club. Nobody seemed to gossip or snigger about her there and the wipes didn’t come out of her bag. If Archie wasn’t there she’d sit next to James.

Things had seemed to be going so well. James and Chloe had even been meeting out of school. He was often busy with fencing - Chloe had wondered why she’d never noticed him before. He was a tall, good looking lad after all. Archie had explained that James was more than good at fencing, he fenced for the junior GB squad and spent a lot of time off at training camps and the like - meaning he had to look after himself. James enjoyed her company, he was used to girls chasing him but they were normally only interested in one thing and to be honest, they mostly bored him. He felt like Chloe was a breath of fresh air. She wasn’t one of vacuous girls who chased him for his looks, nor was she one of the athletic girls that he usually dated. No Chloe was definately different. She seemed a little fragile, but she was also strong. She also liked to drink and party and from what he could see her friends thought a lot of her. He liked that. She also liked his company, she felt safe with him and relaxed, he didn’t seem to mind that she wasn’t athletic or the most academic, he just accepted her, he also never mentioned the hand washing.

But one day on her own in the halls, getting her books from her locker, Chloe heard Stacey’s familiar chant “Oh look girls, it’s the slut that shagged her way through Stamford”. Chloe looked at the floor and then turned to them defiantly when she caught sight of James walking up to them “Hey Chlo, I’m not going to make history club this week as I’ve got a fencing tournament but we could sit down Friday afteroon in the library if you want”.

"He’s a bit young for you isn’t he Chloe, I mean now you’ve shagged half the men in Stamford, what could you want getting your claws into him" bitched Stacey. The girls eyes lit up as they saw Stacey go in for the kill. "I am surprised Rentokill haven’t been called out to get rid of all those nasty VD’s you must have caught".

Chloe ran off, tears streaming. James stood there looking at Stacey with her smug look “Fuck off Stace, don’t think your reputation is much better with the 2nd years”. He ran off in search of Chloe and found her sobbing at the back of the library scrubbing at her hands with a wipe. “Chloe” he said softly taking her hands into his, which stopped her frantic scrubbing. “I’m sorry” she started, “It’s probably best you found out now” she trailed off and stared at the floor and snatched her hands back. James wasn’t stupid, he’d heard some of the rumours before he’d met her but they’d all washed over him - he wasn’t interested in gossip.

He was also concerned. He’d noticed a few small things about Chloe - most noticibly the obsessive hand washing that made him wonder what had happened to her. The confident exterior, the girl that would dance for hours with Rae would then sometimes flinch slightly at his touch before relaxing. He’d wanted to ask her out on a date the previous week as she’d rested her head on his shoulder in the pub and he’d put his arm around her and started walking her home but he’d felt her tense when he pulled her into a hug and then wasn’t so sure whether she liked him back. “Chloe”, he picked her hands back up, “you know I really don’t care about gossip and I like you. I mean I really like you”.

"But, but I’m a slag. You heard them".

"You’re not. You’re a lovely girl, a clever girl, a good friend, so you’re a little ditsy at times and you spend more time talking about clothes and make-up than can possibly be normal, but I like you". She looked up at him "You’re not disgusted with me?" "Don’t be daft, why would I be?" She then leaned in to him and he put his arm around her, "I’d like to take you out, just you and me, if you’d like to". There he’d said it out loud, he wasn’t sure how she’d react but he been pleasantly surprised when she not only accepted but had also given him a hug.

*******************************************************************************

Archie was feeling pleased with himself. He hadn’t planned on Chloe and James but he thought this might help with his plan.

The party was all set up at Chop’s. Izzy had spent ages baking and decorating the house with fairy lights. Chop had got all the booze and had probably invited half of Stamford, mused Archie. Chop had even called Danny and asked him over.

Archie had invited some of the boys from history club - James was going to be coming anyway which helped and he really didn’t want it to feel like a set-up  He had been a bit nervous of his plan but he’d talked it through with Izzy and she thought it was a good idea.  One night, a couple of weeks back, James’ cousin Graham, who was studying music at University had joined him and Archie. Graham had also been in the history club when he’d been at college. Archie couldn’t help but notice Graham’s expression when they’d sat down in the chippie the following week and Rae had ranted about the state of British music and wasn’t pop crap and could someone put the frickin' Spice Girls out of their misery.

Archie also knew Rae was intrigued by Graham who was studing classical music but loved Bowie and Blur. He thought they could be good friends and get Rae focused on what she could do after school - get her fired up to get good grades for University. He also thought they might just be a good match but he didn’t want to push his luck.

He and Izzy had disussed how they were going to try to get a good music related conversation going and leave Rae and Graham to so they could natter on for hours. Izzy had expressly forbidden Chop from organising any stupid games like spin the bottle. Chop had argued back but when Izzy had softly said to him that the game might make Rae feel uncomfortable “you stupid boy” and had gently hit him on the arm, he shut up quickly.  The funny thing was Izzy and Archie didn’t need to go to any trouble after all. Rae had brought her cds and as soon as Graham had arrived, they;d quickly struck up a conversation and sat on the sofa debating the ins and outs of the use of strings and other 'classical' Instruments in rock music.

Rae had kept reminding herself that Graham did in fact want to talk to her and if he didn’t like her for who she was he could fuck off (thanks Kester). So when Graham put his arm around her, she leaned in. Even Danny commented to Izzy, “That is so not the friend zone”. The two of them had chatted until dawn - Rae was so keen to hear about the music scene in Camden where Graham lived. When he leaned in to kiss her, she let him. This was fun thought Rae. I am a music goddess - oh yes! The following day Rae left with a spring in her step and Graham’s number in her pocket. He’d invited her to Camden the following weekend to a gig. He’d suggested that perhaps some of the others would like to come too - he thought that he really didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable and he was also concerned about her travelling on her own.

******************************************************************************

Finn had been trying to reign things in. His Uncle had had a talk with him about his drinking and partying and had said he might have to let Finn go if he carried on like this as he couldn’t turn up to work still drunk from the night before as it simply wasn’t safe. Finn knew he couldn’t loose his job as he really needed to work. Finn had called his dad and had ended up mentioning how much he missed his gran. He also wanted to say that he missed Rae too and he didn’t know what to do about it but he just couldn't find the right words.

Sitting on his bed one night, he mulled things over. Something about Rae had planted itself so deep inside him, and far from being the seed of strong tree growing into a sapling, he thought it was, in fact, the seed of some terrible all pervasive weed like knotweed he’d seen on the Telly one night. The thought of comparing Rae to a weed and her likely banter back to him, briefly brought a smile to his face, but that was soon replaced by a frown. He’d spoken to Archie a couple of of weeks ago but even that had been painful, the question about how Rae was, was always on the tip of his tongue but he never had the courage to verbalise it - no, he was no good with words anyway. Besides Archie was still mad at him for leaving. It had been the first time they’d spoken since that drunken call and neither had wanted to be the one who apologised first.

He’d been listening to a local radio station that played reasonable tunes because he had scratched the Smith’s record quite badly when he’d come home with too many beers under his skin the previous week. He turned up the volume hoping that might block the thoughts in his head. “Spaceman….I always wanted you to go into Space man”. Before he knew it, his head was in his hands and his tears were in his eyes.

Sarah, Finn’s aunt, thought she’s been pretty patient with the boy. He was a good lad and he’d had a tough time, what with his mother leaving and he’d lost his nan recently and broken up with is girlfriend. She’d welcomed him into their home but she hadn’t been too impressed with the way he’d returned home drunk night after night and Neil hadn’t seemed to sort things out. But the loud music was a bit too much and she knocked on his door “Finn, will ya please turn the music down”. She knocked again “Finn”.”Finn”. “For goodness sake Finn” she opened the door and was surprised and concerned to find the boy with his hand in his hands, shaking. She turned the radio off and sat down gently next to him on the bed.

"Finn, love. What’s wrong?"

He stammered and stuttered something unintelligible followed by “I really miss her. It’s not the same without her. I’ve tried forgetting her but I can’t. ” He was sniffling now and Sarah put her arms around him “shhhh Pet, it’s alright, its alright”. Finn remained like that for a good few minutes before he was still. Sarah started talking “I know you miss your nan pet, Neil and your dad really miss her too but you can’t drink these things out of your system. It numbs the pain  temporarily but it comes back twice as bad the following day”. She silently cursed the Nelson way - Neil had done the same thing and started drinking more after his mum had died but he’d pulled things back when Finn had come to stay.

"But it’s not just me nan. It’s just, well, I loved her and I thought she loved me but ". "It’s girl isn’t it" said Sarah and Finn nodded but wouldn’t say anything else (That Nelson way again.) She sat there for a good hour, talking to Finn about relationships, how they don’t always work out and you need to keep talking to make them work. He then spoke and explained how he was no good with words. She suggested he could write a letter, he could put his feelings down that way and at least then he would have a chance of explaining things without clamming up.

Finn took on board his aunt’s advice. And that night he stayed in and thought. Neil was very surprised to find Finn staying in for a second night in a row but Finn’d said he’d something important to. The next day he’d posted the letter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - this is dark, there are opaque references to non-consensual sex and self harm and mental health issues including OCD and dealing with trauma. Please also note that this episode involves Finn in an unhappy way so please don’t read if that will upset you as the last thing I want is to upset anyone… but it does end on a note of hope.

Rae and Graham had been dating for about a month now. He made her smile, he talked a lot about music, more than her infact. She’d enjoyed that first weekend when Chloe, James, Archie and she had gone to the gig in Camden. Graham had kissed her and cuddled her. He had been going to sleep on the sofa but she thought it would be mean to make him sleep on the sofa after he’d put all four of them up and so suggested that they share a bed. They’d woken up somewhat entangled. She’d blushed when she’d noticed his morning glory, he’d smiled at her and said “Sorry, sweetness, but clearly my body thinks you’re pretty hot, bed head, smudged mascara and all” and he’d wandered out of the room and had had a shower.

They’d spent the Sunday all 5 of them wandering round Camden market, she’d held Graham’s hand all day and they kissed a few times, gently. Archer had whinged about being a lemon yet again, and Graham had said “Well I’ll just have to introduce you to a couple of my mates then.” Rae had smiled to herself, it was clear that Archie had told Graham about being gay and Graham was relaxed about that, in fact, he was pretty relaxed about most things, well that is apart from music. He was on fire when discussing music - animated and passionate. Oh and he also liked modern art. He was one cool customer.

Graham had come up to Stamford the following weekend and had decided to stay with his parents as the University term finished at the end of November.Most of his friends were travelling and, to be honest, he’d also run out of money and it was flipping freezing in his flat. He really liked Rae, she was a bit of music goddess. Tall, curvy and she was most definately not mainstream. He liked that. He also liked the fact she would argue back when it came to music, she’d not just agree with him. He loved the way her face lit up when on subject, her eyes were alive and they sparkled. He was used to Camden’s cool music loving girls, but they tended to be a bit bitchy for his liking, always trying to pull guys from the bands that played in the pubs and clubs.

When he James and Archie had sat in the Swan before he’d met her, they had started off talking history as he’d been in history club too. They’d moved onto music and Archie had been going on and on about his friend Rae and her thoughts on music. They’d then talked about Chloe - he’d been intrigued that his cousin had this girlfriend he’d never met and wasn’t a fencer, a runner or an athlete of any sort. He was even more surprised to find out she wasn’t top of the class either. At some point, Archie had vaguely insinuated that both the girls had had a bit of a tough time. Graham had picked up on this and so was doubly intrigued when the feisty rock chick ranting about music in the Chippie the next day was, in fact, Rae.

Rae liked Graham, she really did. He was a good kisser, he liked his music and he never made her feel uncomfortable. But deep down she knew something wasn’t quite right. She thought about talking to Chloe about it, but she really didn’t want to ruin Chloe’s happiness. Chloe had really found her feet with James, and was smiling again. She’d definately cut back on the repeated hand washing that had started a few weeks after she’d left Ian’s. She’d even started talking about going to university and studying history for fucks sake. She did still spend hours shopping and getting ready but that was Chloe all over. She’d even introduced James to her mum. And her mum liked him.

Rae and Graham hadn’t slept together yet. Rae was more comfortable with her body than she’d ever been, but however relaxed she felt with Graham, she nervous of showing him her body. Nervous of getting naked. Perhaps it was partly due to what had happened with Saul? She’d told Chloe and Archie about Saul and of course she talked about it with Kester. Kester had said in their last session that something like that is not easy to get over, and it was to be expected that she would be nervous about sleeping with someone new anyway, but it that was doubly hard when her last sexual experience had been a negative one. One where she had not been not in control, even though the worst had not happened.

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Chop and Izzy had been going strong for sometime now. She adored him and he was very protective of her. He was also very proud that he had such a pretty girlfriend who everyone, without exception liked, and he simply adored her.

"Chop?"

"Yes baby girl?"

"Have you heard from Finn? I know he up and left without saying goodbye but I miss him"

Chop sighed “I haven’t Iz. I bumped into Gary last week though..” and he thought about whether he should continue. He loved Izzy but he knew she would not be able to keep anything about Finn from Rae and his Raemundo was moving on. She and Chloe were getting more settled again and he didn’t want this news to change that. And as much as he loved Finn as a brother, he couldn’t understand what was going on and needed to let this news out… “well Gary said Finn was having a bit o’ trouble, settlin’ in and that. I think Gary’s worried about him - said something about him drinkin’ lots and fightin’ and he misses us.”

"So why don’t you try and call him again" suggested Izzy.

"That’s the thing Iz, I did. And his Uncle answered and said something about him needing time to settled again and it was probably best not to call."

Chop balled his fist and slammed it down on the table “For fucks sake Iz, he’s turned into a Grade A knobhead that boy. I thought all that business with Raemundo was bruised pride at first and I know he can be a stubborn git but what does he think he’s playing at. It doesn’t make sense”

Izzy knew Chop was smarting at the loss of his friendship with Finn. But she wasn’t sure things were lost. She’d seen Finn when his nan was ill and then when she’d died. He’d not said much and been very withdrawn. She’d hugged him once as he’d stuttered his way through telling her about his gran andshe had seen the tears in his eyes. She knew withdrawing was Finn’s way. Rae had always managed to get him to relax enough to open up. But Rae was part of the problem and she didn’t know what to do suggest.

She put her small hand over his. It had the same soothing effect on him as always. “I know you miss Finn and I really don’t know what we can do about him, but we’ve got to support Rae right now. A lot’s happened to her and Chlo - they need us and we can help them.”

This was why Chop loved his Izzy - she was just so caring and thoughful and he pulled her in for a kiss and let out a small giggle.

******************************************************************************

Chloe went round to Rae’s bursting with her news. She hadn’t seen Rae for over a week now and there was so much to tell.

Her sessions with Kester had been going well and she’d been trying to be strong and “reclaim her body as her own” as he’d put it. She’d been nervous with James to start with as he seemed so confident and relaxed with his own body. She’d mentioned this to Kester and he suggested she ask James about it. James was slightly surpised as nobody had asked him this question before, let alone a girl but Chlo was no ordinary girl. He explained that beacuse of the fencing he trained hard with other atheletes and he spent a lot of time at the gym. He was aware other people had different bodies to him - some were more muscular, some were bigger, some smaller but his was doing a pretty good job for him. His wasn’t perfect but it certainly did the job. Somewhat shyly he had then asked her if she liked his body. She had grinned and nodded “You’re pretty fit”. “Well you’re really beautiful Chlo” he’d replied blushing. This subtle power shift had led to Chloe leaping on his lap and kissing him furiously.

Chloe had then pulled his top over his head and looked at his well muscled but lean chest. She said ” I really like this” running her hands over him. He stroked her hair and kissed her, he wanted to run his hands all over her but didn’t want to push her too fast. When she straddled him, he could see the tops of her thighs as her skirt rode up and he gasped. When she started running her hands up and down his back while kissing him, it was too much and he groaned and felt the inevitable rise in his trousers. He hadn’t meant for this to happen but Chloe hadn’t run off,. She’d actually put her hand gently there and said “So you do want me then?” and he’d nodded and replied “Indeed. Don’t doubt that I want you Chlo, I really want you”. He’d then taken her by suprise by moving her gently off his lap and making a cup of tea. She’d been a bit confused by this but had talked it over with Kester and realised that it didn’t mean James didn’t like her - it might be that he was waiting for her to be ready, or even that he didn’t feel ready for sex yet. Different people’s perceptions of ready were different after all.

A couple of very hot snogging sessions had ensued over the following days and James allowed his hands to wander over Chloe which she had really seemed to enjoy. Chloe was keen to move things on, so the next time they were alone at his house, she’d slipped her hand down his waistband and when he’d allowed this she’d unbuttoned his fly and started to stroke him gently. He’d gently pushed her backwards holding her arms gently above her head on the sofa and lay on top of her kissing her, which is when he felt her flinch. Chloe didnt’ know why she’d flinched and was shocked when he got up, did his trousers up and walked over to the french windows where he stared out into the garden for a couple of minutes in total silence. “Chlo, you don’t have to tell me what happened but you’ve got to let me know if you’re not enjoying it in anyway. You don’t have to do these things for me, I’m not going to get bored just because we don’t….you know…”

Tears had pricked Chloe’s eyes “When I was missing school, I was staying with Ian and..” She trailed off. “You’re not going to like me anymore ” and started to cry. She really wanted to wash her hands. He sat next to her put his hand on hers and said “If you’re talking about the rumours Chlo, I’ve heard them. I don’t know how much truth there is in them but I don’t care. I care about you Chloe”. “But when you find out what I did …” “Chloe please don’t blame yourself for anything”.

From the rumours and what Archie and Rae had intimated, James had a pretty good idea of what had happened and Chloe’s reaction to his body lying on hers had given him a fair idea he was right. He didn’t know what to do - he really didn’t want to push her but he also didn’t want to destroy her confidence further by making her think her boyfriend didn’t want her. And, to be honest, he’d only slept with a couple of girls before and that had been after a few months in each case.

In very quiet small voice Chloe said “Ian, he made me” and looked down. James bit the inside of this mouth to stop him from swearing beacuse that wasn’t going to help matter and gently put his arm around her and kissed her forehead. After a couple of minutes she’d relaxed and snuggled into his chest. She’d lain on his chest for at least an hour with him stroking her hair and talking softly to her about this or that and she found herself stroking his chest, noticing those amazing muscles underneath his top again so she’d kissed him passionately. She’d ended up taking his top off. He’d been a bit hesistant at first but she’d flung her top off and he tentatively reached out to touch her breasts and she’d flung her bra off and starting rubbing her self on him. He had groaned loudly and when her hand had moved his between her legs he’d understood what she wanted. She couldn’t believe he hadn’t asked her to do anything in return.

Chloe had told Kester all of this and he counselled her to take things slowly but Chloe was Chloe afterall. James took her had surprised her within an indoor picnic two days later, it was all candle lit and beautiful. She’d sat on him and pushed him back - she really wanted him and his body. James had noticed she was far more comfortable on top and happily allowed her to touch him, he really didn’t know what to expect with Chloe, she blew his mind with her touch. She’d somehow peeled her knickers off. He’d the managed to take her dress off and she’d wriggled his trousers and boxers down and asked him to… “Chlo I’m really sorry I haven’t got a johnny”, she giggled reached into her bag and said “Bloody good thing I have then”.

*********************************************************************************

Chloe was sitting on Rae’s couch, both with cups of tea in hand discussing Chloe’s “reclaming her body” as she put it. Rae was slighlty concerned to start with but realised how happy Chloe was and how gentlemanly James had been. The subject moved onto Graham.

"You like him don’t you Rae? I mean he’s so cute with those black glasses and he’s got a really nice arse."

Rae thought about this “yeah I really like him. He’s so clever and he wants to get into the music industry like fusing classical and rock music. And yeah, he’s got a nice arse”

"Has he not made a move yet Rae? You know more than kissing?"

"Yeah he said he wanted to but only when I was ready."

"Please tell me you two have done more than just kiss!"

Rae blushed. “I might have just let him er pleasure my ladyparts”

"ooohhhhh you mean" said Chloe raising her eyebrows

"Tongue as well as fingers" said Rae smirking. She wasn’t quite so sure why she was smirking so much. It had been good. Real good as he’d been so attentive and he clearly knew what he was doing but something had nagged at her mind.

"Rae are going to sleep with him?"

"I think so Chloe but I am a bit nervous. You know Liam’s the only bloke…"

"Rae you’ve got to forgive yourself you know Liam was a complete dick" (both girls giggled and Chloe rolled her eyes at her accidental quip" "but you know Rae James, was so good, it made me feel so whole, it was even better than all the other stuff probably beacuse it was both of us and not just for me." Chloe beamed

"If you want him Rae why not? Remember you said I had to be kind to myself? Well you would be being kind to yourself by letting yourself have something you really want. It’s not being slutty you know".

The girls had enjoyed the rest of their afternoon. Chloe had left to go out for a meal with James and Rae had pondered on Chloe’s words. She did like Graham, he was fit, he knew his music and why shouldn’t she enjoy him.

The next day when she left the Swan with Graham, Chloe winked at her. This was the new brave Rae the modern woman not afraid of letting men know what she wanted. Graham’s parents were at James’ house with his aunt and uncle having curry and watching films. Graham put Tracy Chapman on his stereo and asked her to dance with him. They’d kissed while dancing and he pulled her in tight. Their hips moved in rhythm with each other. “Jesus Rae this is so hot. You’re really hot and well you rock my socks off”. She stifled a giggle at this corny line and thought “why not? I’m perfect, I deserve to be liked”. She started un buttoning his shirt. He followed suit and took hers off. He raised his eyebrows in slight confusion as she unbuttoned his jeans and slid her hand inside “I think these need to come off” she said cheekily. Graham really wasn’t sure why she’d suddenly decided she wanted to sleep with him. He really liked her but he wasn’t sure she really felt the same. The last thing he said was “are you sure you’re sure?”. She nodded her head put her hand in her bag and waived a condomn at him.

Graham woke up feeling happy with Rae’s arm draped over him. Last night had taken him by surprise, he’d always felt she’d been holding back but last night, he’d given her several chances to back out and she’d made it very clear what she wanted and he was only to happy to oblige. Rae woke up “Bollocks it’s 8 o’clock. No chance of sneaking back in now, I hope Chlo covered for me”.

She got dressed quickly and Graham followed her downstairs.In the hall he quietly asked “was last night ok” raising an eyebrow. “yeah, yeah of course” she said, I’ve just gotta get back. Rae ran out of the door. She’d enjoyed the sex but she didn’t feel quite right about things this morning and needed space to think.

*****************************************************************************

Rae had been with Graham for six weeks now and it’d been 3 weeks since their first time. Christmas was getting close. They’d only slept together twice more - She enjoyed the sex on the one level but something wasn’t quite as she imagined it would be, no she didnt’ mean it like that, or did she? It was like she couldn’t really loose control/let go or something. It’s just it wasn’t quite like the way Chlo described her and James getting completely lost in each other. Graham always waited for her to initiate things, it wasn’t that he wasn’t interested but she was beginning to sense he understood that she was holding back on some level.

(Graham had confided in James about how he was worried that he was far more into her than she into him. James had said how Graham was always so laid back with girls but this time something was different. Graham confessed “I really like Rae but deep down I think she realises I’m not for her and I have a horrible feeling I’m going to get hurt but you know I couldn’t bear to loose her as a friend ….” They’d both gone quiet at this point. )

One morning, Rae picked up the post, in amongst all the Christmas cards, was a rathered battered letter addressed to Mae Earl. It had been posted 3 weeks ago must have been delayed with the Christmas post.

Only one person could have written that letter and she wasn’t sure she really wanted to open it but she knew she was going to read it.

"Dear Mae

I’ve tried to write this letter so many times. You got my last letter, right? You know I am sorry I upped and left so quickly. And I’m even more sorry that I didn’t return your calls. I was feeling a bit homesick still, missing the gang (and you and your shocking taste in music of course!). You know I’ve been feeling really down since me nan died. She was like a mum to me after me own mum left. And I really liked talking to you. You helped everything feel that bit better. You know I miss you right? And I did want to call you. Honest. But you know I am no good with words and I didn’t know where to start or what to say. I know that’s a shit excuse. I really hope you’re ok. I think I might have pissed old Archer off too. Can you tell him I didn’t mean it. I’m running out of paper now - just remember you’re world class. Finn x

P.S. If you’re not too pissed off with me, please call me again. I really need to talk to you.

The anger that initially bubbled up in Rae when she read the letter, soon simmered down as she realised how much it must have taken for Finn to write this letter and mention his nan. She knew he was probably still really cut up about it.Nevertheless, she was still pissed off with him. Still a part of her was worried - why did he say he needed to talk to her? She remembered Izzy telling her a couple of weeks ago about what Gary had said about Finn drinking and fighting. It was the part about Chop being worried that Gary was worried that finally did it though. She knew Chop was very pissed off with Finn but he’d always said Finn could take care of himself and if Chop was worried… then perhaps she should be.

She sighed, picked up the phone and dialled. You’d better be there you dickhead she said and was surprised that the phone was answered quite quickly.

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Finn had tried really hard for the first two weeks after he’d sent his letter. He got a little more down hearted every day the phone hadn’t rung. His Aunt Sarah had counselled him that the post might be delayed and perhaps the girl might need some space. So he’d tried Chop and Archie, it seemed both were down the pub when he called. He’d even tried Chloe but she was also out, her mum had answered “Hello Finn love. How are you?”…. “I’m sorry she’s out with James. I think they’re on a double date with Rae and Graham”. He made his apologies and not left a message. He swallowed down the tears that night and gone to the pub with the lads.

Since then he’d been out most nights but had stayed in for a couple because he didn’t really want to upset his aunty. She’d been really kind and that reminded him of his nan. But he was having trouble sleeping so he’d bought a bottle of whiskey and had been drinking in his room alone for the last two nights. He had tried to work up the confidence to call Archie or Chop again. When the phone had rung he was downstairs having just come in from smoking yet another cigarette, he hadn’t felt the cold because he was already half cut.

"Hello". There was silence at the other end of the line "hello"

"Finn, it’s Rae". There was silence as his brain could not process what to do know, where to start what to say,things were running through his mind so quickly in his drunken haze. "Fucking hell, Finn you are going to talk me aren’t ya?"

"Rae, I, I …..I do want to talk to ya"

"Finn, I know Chop and you’re dad are worried about you. You ok?"  He was confused, wasn’t she worried about him, was she only calling beacuse they wanted her to ….

Her voice softened “Finn, I know it must be hard for you , new place and a job and moving away from your dad and your mates. You could have returned our calls. “

"Rae. I miss… I miss..." (he really wanted to say you first but he just couldn’t) "the gang, and me dad and me nan and you know"…….he started to cry

"Oh Finn. It’s alright. I know you’re hurting. I know how much your nan meant to you."

They went on to talk a little about families, with Finn asking about Jasmine and her mum and Karim and the fact she’d given up on Victor. Deep down she started to realise why things weren’t really working out with Graham.

They moved onto the gang. She knew Finn’d had a bit to drink because he was slurring his words and his voice kept going high. Finn accepted he’d been a dickhead by not answering Archie and Chops calls and confessed he really missed them and the lads in Leeds weren’t a patch on the gang. It all started to go downhill when they were talking about Chloe.

"She’s really happy Finn. You’d be so proud of her after everything with Ian. She’s got this boyfriend called James and they’re so into each other."

Finn didn’t really know who Ian was but James, that rang a bell in Finn’s head, hang on hadn’t there been a double date… and wasn’t Rae involved.

"And you Rae, you er, seeing anyone?" It came out far more gruffly than he had intended almost aggressive.

"And what if I am Finn?" Rae really hoped he might say something here liked he missed her, he needed her - all those things that had run through her mind when she’d tried to call him on that night Jasmine had been born.

"Well….you still with that Liam" he spat out. He really didn’t mean to but he’s had a lot to drink and he’s never really liked Liam.

"No, actually, I’m with Graham - James’s cousin. He’s really nice and he’s at Uni and he loves music. " she retorted - what the fuck was he doing bringing Liam into it ? andhis tone - he clearly didn’t like her that way anymore and she was so going to let him know how over him she was.

"What about you Finn, still chasing skirt, found a younger Olivia?" (Her body insecurties coming back.)

"You know me, chasing skirt all the time" He was really angry by now."Everytime the lads go out, the girls can’t get enough of us and they’re certainly not frigid round here." Why the fuck have you just said that Finn? That were real twattish.

Her chest constricted - so he thought she was frigid then, but she was furious and just subconsciously needed to rub salt into her wound.  “I take it you’ve been sleeping around then Finn?”

"You know me Rae, always ready to jump in bed with the first pretty girl I see." She clearly thought that little of him, he might as well give her the answer she was demanding.

He could hear her crying. Fuck, Finn. You utter bell-end - say something, take it back, tell her you’re hurting! But in all he could do was stutter…

"That it Finn? Well just so you know I’m not frigid - I’ve been sleeping with Graham for weeks now." She knew that’d hurt him, she knew she really, really shouldn’t have said it, she could hear him crying now. Silly twat,

"Rae… Rae" he really stumbled over the words but nothing coherent would come out of his mouth. And she put the phone down.

Finn sobbed in the hallway, went upstairs and drank himself unconscious. Sarah and Neil were surprised to come home and find The Cure on at full volume in Finn’s room. Neil went in and turned the music off. It stank of whiskey, He told himself they’d all done it at that age and he’d have a word with Finn in the morning.

****************************************************************************************

Finn emerged the next morning for 6:30am breakfast. Neil had heard him being sick in the bathroom for at least 10 minutes. His eyes were bloodshot and red-rimmed, Neil realised this wasn’t just down to the alcohol. He had to say something about last night

"Look lad, I am very fond of you and all. But last night - we’ve talked about the drinking before and you know it’s not good for you. I really can’t let you on site in that state today, can I?" Finn hung his head. "Back to bed with you and tomorrow will be a better day, right?" Finn nodded. For once he was grateful that he could go back to bed as he felt so awful. 

Finn slept fitfully during the day, came down to dinner when Sarah had knocked on his door. They ate dinner in silence and he went back to his room after another pep-talk. He didn’t sleep well that night, ate breakfast in silence the next say and was back on site.  Finn’d never talked much to the lads on site, so when he simply grunted replies /acknowledgements they weren’t surprised. He’d gone out with the lads that night and staggered home.

This continued for a few days.Sarah and Neil were getting increasingly worried but Gary was in the US on business and they thought they could manage it for a bit longer. Saturday night was a different matter.

There had been a lot of banter from the lads about going to a club. Finn had started on shots immediately. The lads found a group of girls and asked if they’d like to move onto another late club or move onto to one of their houses. The most confident of the girls said….. “we’ll come but only if he’s coming too” - she pointed at Finn who she thought was the fittest lad by far. Finn shook his head- he really didn’t too and besides she reminded him so much of Stacey.

Brian, the mouthiest of the lads pulled Finn to one side. “For fuck’s sake, what’s wrong with you? Don’t you want a bit of that?” he said, gesturing. ”The fuck’s wrong with you? How the fuck can you not want a piece o’ that?” Gesturing at the girl again…”She not your type then lad?” Finn shook his head. Brian was really pissed off, he badly wanted to get laid and it’s not as if Finn was getting the raw end of the deal. Come to think of it, Brian couldn’t remember Finn ever going home with a girl or taking one back with him. In fact, the closest Finn had come had been when he’d taken a shine to a rather large girl with long black hair…..He pulled Finn to one side and grabbed his shirt “Look mate all you have to do is come back - you don’t have to touch her…. you’re not gay are you” Finn shook his head violently he was angry now…. he knew Brian’s views on this subject and had to bite his tongue on so many occasions but he could feel the anger rising. “You’re not a chubby chaser then?” Brian spat the insult out but, barely as he’d finished, a fist connected with his jaw and blows rained down on him. It’d taken 3 lads to pull Finn off Brian. They’d all be thrown out of the club and a couple of the lads had laid into Finn. A couple of the others had been on the receiving end of Brian’s quips one time too many and had taken pity and got Finn home.

Finn stumbled through the door. Neil had been sat up in his chair waiting. The lads had a word with Neil - they didn’t want Brian getting his side in first and left. Neil had sent Finn to his room. Finn passed out fully clothed on his bed.

The following morning Neil was furious, he’d gone to the site, apologised to the lads and explained Finn wasn’t coming back. He’d come home at lunchtime and demanded that Finn explain himself but the boy wouldn’t answer. He simply hung his head. Neil couldn’t understand what has wrong with him and lost his temper and starting shouting at the boy. Sarah ran in from outside when she heard the shouting. “Neil enough stop please….just look”. Finn was staring straight ahead, tears rolling down his face. “Just get back to work”.

Sarah looked at Finn’s hand still bruised and swollen and the cuts on his face. She got some warm water and a cloth and gently cleaned the cuts. She put arnica on the bruises and talked soothingly to him. She took him upstairs and told him to go to bed.

A couple of days later Finn had yet to say a word and Sarah was really worried; “Neil he’s still not said a word- we’ve got to call Gary”. Neil didn’t want to call Gary - he was coming to see Finn in a few days anyway but deep down he felt they’d let Finn down somehow.

… “Gary, its Neil”… Gary was surprised at the call “Hey Neil how’s tricks?”.. Neil decided to cut to it… “It’s Finn, you need to come” “What’s up Neil, what’s he done this time?”…Neil choked “Please Gary just come,” at this point Gary’s car phone cut out. “Fucking thing” he cursed. Gary made his way straight to his brother’s without going home first.

When Gary arrived it was 11pm. It was freezing cold and he was exhausted. As soon as Neil opened the door the brothers embraced. “He’s not been fighting again has he?”  “No it’s not that, well that’s part of it but not why I called”, Neil’s voice cracked as he led Gary upstairs. Gary tapped on the door and walked in.

"Finn. Finn," Gary said. "Come on son, I’ve missed you lad". There was no response. Gary’s heart sunk. He really didn’t know how deal with this without his mum, she’d been so good with Finn last time but he had to do something so he put his arms round his son. "It’s alright lad, I’ve got you. I’ve got you lad." Finn still didn’t respond, but he did fall asleep in his father’s arms.

Gary was shaking. “How long’s he been like this?” He blamed and reproached himself for being away, for working, for his wife leaving. Neil searched Finn’s coat and pulled out a packet of cigarettes - Gary and he had given up a long time ago but Sarah dug out an ashtray and joined them. “Gary, he’s only been this bad today, but, he’s not really said anything for more than a week.” Gary put his head in his hands “Not again, I don’t understand”. Sarah left the brothers talking and went to bed. She was terribly worried but wanted someone to be awake when Finn woke up in the morning.

She knocked on the door with a cup of tea at 8. Finn was awake but he didn’t respond to her. She passed him the cup of tea and he sat up and took it. She sat next to him while he was drinking the tea to make sure he didn’t spill any. She talked to him but he kept looking at floor. Gary got up off the sofa when she came back down.

"Gary he drank the tea but…" Gary wandered upstairs opened the door and found Finn staring at the floor, silent. Gary left the room in tears and walked down stairs.."I just don't know what to do".  Sarah remembered something, she didn’t want to bring this up as the brother’s mum had only recently passed away, but needs must.

"Last time, your mum, do you remember she helped him…l, I think you need to". Gary drank a cup of sugary tea and went up to talk to Finn; "Come-on lad it’s alright, whatever it is you can tell me can’t you". Still nothing. "I know you miss your mam and nan lad, I know". Still nothing. Then Gary put his arms round his son and started to sing quietly (just like Finn’s nan had done), and he felt the boy soften in his arms, so he kept going and then the tears started. Finn sat distraught in Gary’s arms for more than hour.

**************************************************************************************

Finn came downstairs that afternoon. He ate dinner and watched TV and went to bed. “He’s still not said anything” said Gary sadly ” I really don’t know what to do. It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow and it’s his first Christmas without his nan. I just don’t know what’s happened”.

Sarah made a few phone calls. She knew Finn needed time - it had taken months before he started talking again after his mum left and she really felt Finn needed to get away from Leeds. Something was deeply troubling the boy and she thought a change of scene might just help. She had an old friend who lived on farm right out in the middle of nowhere - she’d known Jenny for years and she was the ever hospitable farmer’s wife. So the next day Neil drove the four of them out of Leeds on that snowy Christmas Eve. As they pulled up at the farm, Neil was bloody grateful he owned a Landrover or they’d have never made it in the snow. Neil was about to make a fuss about having drive across the moors  and all that snow when he saw Gary and Sarah looking at something.  Finn had got out of the car and was looking around, a small playing across his lips as he took in the scene  - the barns full of sheep, the snow, the house with a tree with twinkling lights in its window.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note this is a dark episode. I need to apologise for the fact all the episodes to date were typed straight from my head to Tumblr! They are quite free-flowing, unstructured, and full of internal and external dialogue because the fic is all about miscommunication. Tumblr is really hard to edit on so I know there are typos and probably the odd consistency/timing error as I’ve not planned them out on a timeline like I should have.
> 
> WARNING WARNING WARNING:  
> Self-harm, ocd, non-consensual sexual activity and it’s another dark episode I’m afraid but again ends with a note of hope. Please don’t read if you can’t cope with darkness, as I don’t want to upset anyone.

Rae had slammed down the phone to Finn shaking. She felt so angry with him - sleeping with all those girls. She had been prepared to forgive him for refusing to talk to her, for not returning her calls. But he called her “frigid” hadn’t he? She couldn’t remember his exact words but that didn’t matter did it? The fact remained the same if he thought she was frigid then he had clearly never really understood her at all and if he’d never really understood her, then she’d never really known the real Finn after all. Somehow in Rae’s head everything got extrapolated such that Finn had never really liked her, never cared about her and had never liked the way she looked. Tears seeped out of her eyes. She traipsed upstairs and sat on her bed.

She went to put a CD on but they all seemed to remind her of Finn. Each one she picked up seemed to say ”Frigid” and “Fat”. Rae was shaking, sooth yourself  Rae, you’re perfect, you’re perfect. She really didn’t know what to do. Come on Rae, think Rae, what would Kester say? She picked up the phone and called Chloe but there was no reply - of course she’d be down The Swan at this time of night. She put her head in her hands. She decided she had to be brave and go out.

It took her twenty minutes to decide on what to wear because the first four tees she’d tried on made her look even more fat and ugly than usual. And she really needed to look pretty for Graham. That’s right Rae, you’ve got Graham now; forget that prick Finn.

The trouble was she knew something about her relationship with Graham wasn’t quite right. Then she thought about Chloe and how happy she was. Before she knew it she was layering on her make-up thickly. It was now half ten and she really had to leave otherwise it would be closing time soon.

She gave herself a final glance in the mirror and she stopped dead in her tracks. Who was this girl staring back at her? She looked at herself and her stomach sank. She looked just like that night Archie didn’t’ turn up for her date, that night Finn had been the messenger boy and he’d seen her run off tears streaming on the way home. Her tears started again - no he’d never really liked her, he just felt sorry for her hadn’t he. Her make-up had run badly now and she sighed. Fuck you Finn Nelson, fuck you. She switched the radio on and heard Echobelly.

Right Rae - come one. You’re perfect, you’re perfect. The house was quiet as for once Jasmine was asleep and so was her mum. Karim was out working. Rae tiptoed downstairs and poured herself a large vodka - she gulped it back. She’d forgotten that her make-up had run badly when she caught sight of herself in the mirrored glass on the cabinet doors. She needed a shower.

She started running a shower and sadly took her clothes off. Oasis was playing on the radio now and her mind returned to the planned Knebworth trip and back to Finn. The vodka was really kicking in now. Then she remembered the last time she’d drunk Vodka, that time at Finn’s when she’d accidentally (was in accidental Rae?)  got him drunk because she was too scared to take her clothes off. She kept replaying that night in her mind and stood under the shower. She turned the shower up as it was a cold night. She remembered how she’d felt that night and then Finn’s words came into her head “Frigid” “Frigid”, she turned the shower up again “Fat” and again. Her skin was really sore now as she started to replay that night at Finn’s again in her mind. A slither of something of Finn’s face when he’d spoken about his mum that night, brought her out of her trance-like state and she switched the shower off.

She dried herself gingerly, packed on the layers and crawled into bed. She knew she should talk to someone. But who? The gang were probably all still out, goodness knows whose house they ended up at? And they were probably all going to be busy tomorrow being the weekend. Graham? No, she didn’t want him knowing did she. Kester? No, she didn’t want to disturb him over the weekend - she wanted to prove she had grown up and should accept the boundaries he’d put in place. Her mum? No - she could hear Jasmine starting to cry again for a feed - now was not the right time. Karim? Well they had got a lot closer but his english wasn’t really good. She shut her eyes and tried to sleep.

*****************************************************************************************

The gang had left The Swan at closing time and gone round to James’ house. Archie was worried that Rae hadn’t made it but they all discussed how tired she was and that she’d probably not woken up from the nap she’d told them she intended to have when she got back from college. Chop and Izzy had wandered home at 2am, leaving Archie asleep on the sofa and Graham in the spare room.

Chloe woke up in James’ single bed. She’d had a good night but it hadn’t been quite the same without Rae. She sighed and asked James if she could have a shower. She really hated not feeling clean in the mornings and always had a lengthy shower and washed her hair every morning.

James pulled on his jeans and a t-shirt and wandered downstairs. Archie and Graham were drinking cups of tea. Archie commented on the fact James looked relatively fresh and not hungover. “I’ve got to go to training - you lot were probably so pissed you didn’t notice that I only had one pint last night!” he retorted. Graham looked particularly rough. He did not appear his normal relaxed self so James pulled up a chair at the table. “You alright Graham? Has old age finally caught up with you - the boy that never had a hangover?”.

"Ha Ha fuck off cous!" He looked into his tea and then decided to say something. Arch was becoming a mate and he and James were more like brothers as they lived three streets apart. "It’s Rae. I know she probably didn’t come out last night because she was tired. I tried to call her this morning and Linda said she’d gone out."

"But things have been good between you two,right?" said James

"Well, yes" … "and you do really fancy her don’t you?" interrupted Archie who was rather protective about Rae.

Graham nodded his head. He sighed looked into his tea and started talking “I thought things were going great, she’s cool, she’s funny and boy does she know music. She’s really pretty and all but”….. He really wasn’t sure he should say the next bit as it felt like he might be betraying a confidence “You know we err, er, slept together” he looked at the others James smiled and Archie nodded (Rae had of course confided in him about this one afternoon at school).

"Well, she says she likes me, she says she wants me, she initiates stuff but I kind of feel like she’s holding something back. Something she’s not telling me and to be honest she doesn’t really talk to me about anything important, she doesn’t open up. I think she only tells me what I want to hear"…

Archie tentatively said, “You know she’s had a few issues like, in the past and...”

"I know said Graham - she’s told me she’s seeing a therapist but it’s not that. I think , I think I like her more than she likes me" …."Our Rae is a goddess, people do fall under her spell" interrupted Archie, hoping to lighten the mood. Graham nodded "That she is. But I get the feeling that deep down she has feelings for someone else but I don’t think she accepts that herself".

James put his hand on Graham’s shoulder. “Gra - perhaps she justs needs a bit of space, perhaps you two have rushed things a bit. Look, do you want to come training with me today? You weren’t too shabby a couple of years ago but you are not to bore the rest of the team with details of your fucking thesis this time!”

Graham laughed “Right I’ll go and get changed”. Archie looked thoughtfully out into the distance. He bloody hoped Finn wasn’t at the bottom of this again and picked up the phone to Izzy.

*******************************************************************************

Chop had walked Izzy home last night and after a rather hot make out session, ever the gentleman, he’d kissed Izzy on the hand and gone home. Izzy loved the fact Chop was such a gent, well most of the time, that was, when he wasn’t being a crude nasty boy. Izzy knew deep down Chop was a loyal friend who cared about his mates. He’d been an utter pratt about Archie but he’d come good and she was so proud of him.

It was cold day and she’d put on her favourite floral corduroy jumpsuit with thick burgundy cable knit tights and a big cream aran cardigan. She skipped down the stairs and picked up the phone.

"Archie. How are you? You sleep well?"

"Yeah well think I might have overdone the shots with James and Graham last night. Feel’s like satan’s poking my eye-balls with a red hot poker"

"Arch" She giggled "Honestly! Just have loads of peppermint tea - that’s what Chop does. And I bet he’s had to have some this morning"

"Iz, I’m a bit worried about Rae"… "Oh" she replied. "Well I am sure she was tired that’s why she wasn’t out last night"

"Yeah he replied." Archie thought about relaying some of the conversation with Graham but really didn’t want to break a mate’s confidence. He realised Rae might still have feelings for Finn but this concerned him. "Yeah well I think she perhaps could do with being spoilt - a bit of a girly pamper or something”

"Oooh well we could do that after school next week before we go to The Swan… Chlo’s got all this great make-up - you know palates of colours that are just right for a Christmas theme".

"Iz - I may be gay but I don’t’ know that much about makeup themes!”

After Archie had put the phone down, he made himself a cup of peppermint tea and gave a silent toast to Chop. The first time, Chop had made him and Finn a cup of peppermint tea was the morning after that ridiculous party at Chop’s. Finn and him had ribbed Chop about the peppermint tea but had humoured him and taken a cup. The post party debrief had become a ritual led by Finn with Chop making the peppermint tea.

Archie realised he might be cross with Finn because he was acting like a pratt but he missed him. Something nagged at the back of his mind about both Finn and Rae’s behaviour but he put it down to nostalgia for the lovely warm summer days where they were all together as the gang. He liked James but he wasn’t a replacement for the moody, cigarette smoking Finn. Nah, James was a bit clean living in comparison.

*****************************************************************************************

Rae knocked on Mrs Dewhurst’s door on Sunday morning. Mrs Dewhurst had been about to go out to church but was quite glad for once, to have an excuse not go. It wasn’t the same anymore, they sung hymns along to a CD since the organist had retired. She was a little surprised to see Rae as it wasn’t their afternoon tea day.

"Come in Rae." She opened the door and motioned for Rae to sit down in the living room.

Rae wasn’t really sure why she was here but… “Cup of tea, love?” Rae nodded. Mrs Dewhurst came back with two steaming mugs of tea. “Tea makes everything alright,” said Mrs Dewhurst soothingly.

Rae started to cry. “There, there love. Man trouble?” she asked. Rae had talked a bit through her tears about a boy she liked, but he’d hurt her and didn’t want to talk to her. “Not that nice young man with glasses that took you out last week?” Mrs Dewhurst was a bit confused as Rae wasn’t really making too much sense.

And they way she was talking it sounded like something else. “Oh, you mean the Nelson boy?” (Mrs Dewhurst had seen rather a lot of late night kissing when he was dropping Rae home.) Rae nodded.

"I am sorry, love. You know what these boys are like when they’re hurt. People say things they don’t really mean because they’re hurt. And well, I know it’s no excuse, but this time of year has never been easy for that poor boy".

Rae looked up quizzically and was about to say something, when there was a knock on the door. It was Linda. “Mum?” “Oh Rae love, Jasmine’s ill and I think I need to take her to the hospital, I can’t get her temperature down and Karim’s got the car”. So Mrs Dewhurst had driven Linda, Rae and Jasmine to hospital.

*******************************************************************************************

Izzy and Chlo went round to Rae’s on Monday after school. The girls painted their nails and toenails and chatted about what on earth Chop was planning for his New Year’s Eve party. Chop was being secretive and had told them not to spread the word because after last year’s effort Chop’s parents had virtually banned Chop and his big brother Malc, from ever hosting another party at theirs. The girls giggled about how Chop had told them to “Lock it in the vault!" Chop had his own little collection of catchphrases.

The girls were rather late in heading over to the Swan in their sparkly Christmas outfits so, for once, they decided to take a cut-through down the alley at the back of the Chippie. They got most of the way down when Rae stopped dead in her tracks - that wasn’t, surely it couldn’t be…………. before she could say anything she heard Chloe’s gasp “Ian”.

Chloe was rooted to the spot. Rae realised they needed to get out of there as soon as possible before Ian and his shitty mates saw them.

"Chlo, come on," she said in a whisper, "Chlo." Just then Ian turned round  "Oh, look who we have here. Come back for more have you Chloe, you just can stay away can you?" The men started to walk towards them, and Chloe still wouldn’t move.

"Izzy, get the boys now" Rae said. (Rae, you’re perfect, you’re strong).

"Oh look Saul, the whale’s here again" Saul laughed. Ian walked up to Chloe and tried to touch her. She was shaking and Rae knew she had to stop him.

"Go away Ian. Don’t you dare touch her. You hear me? Don’t touch her."

"You still want her all to yourself do you, you fat slag"

Ian pulled Chloe towards him. Rae realised she had to act now, but didn’t know what to do. Where were the lads? “Stop, Ian, just fucking stop,” she shouted.

Ian was surprised at the tone of her voice… ”We’ll just have to see how just you much you want me to stop then. Saul, fancy another go at Fatty?” he sneered.

Saul stepped up. “So you do want me then Rae,” he said, grabbing her arms. Rae jumped back in revulsion and Ian tightened his grip on Chloe making her groan in pain. “Alright, alright, you let her go and he he can…” Rae broke off the thought was too awful.

Surprised, Ian let Chloe go and she ran behind Rae, Saul turned and shoved Rae into the wall. H let his hands wander all over Rae’s body and started kissing her neck. Suddenly a lot of shouting ensued, as about 20 lads came running round the corner, with Chop at the front.

Saul let Rae go and realising they were out numbered 4 to 1, the Uffington men ran off. James ran up to a shaking Chloe and instinctively put his arms around her, but she flinched violently. James took a breath “Chlo, look at me,please just look at me”. Eventually she looked up, tears in her eyes. “James that was, that was” and she nestled herself against his chest tears flowing. James started stroking her hair softly.

Graham went to hug Rae but she pushed him away. Quietly Archie looked at Graham who nodded his silent agreement and stepped in and put his arm round Rae. Rae accepted this and whilst she was very upset she really needed to be strong for Chloe and so agreed to go to on to the pub with the others. She felt it was important as Chloe wanted to go and so she walked with Archie and Izzy to the pub.

“Iz, where on earth did you find all that lot?”

"Chop’s brother’s footie mates" she said "Trust Chop to organise a drinking session on the night they were all in the pub. Knowing Chop, he was probably hoping to find a party to go to after!" She said. Rae loved Izzy and she loved Chop but she was very unsettled deep inside. At the pub, Rae downed three pints of snakebite quickly.

She found Graham and apologised for pushing him away saying she was just in shock. She then asked Graham to walk her back home. She knew her mum and Karim would be home with Jasmine, (the whole hospital thing had been a bit of drama over nothing) but she also knew they were likely to be asleep.

Once home, Rae knew she needed to feel safe, feel those arms around her, she really needed to be wanted. Saul touching her was one thing but they things Ian’d said cut deep.

In the house she poured herself a vodka, a large vodka but Graham had refused one. She knocked it back in one. She then started passionately kissing Graham and running her hands all over him. He had started kissing her back and her hand had underdone his fly and reached in shortly after the kiss started. He stepped back. “Rae, please Rae.”

"What’s wrong Graham, don’t you want me? Do ya not fancy me now?"

Graham took a deep breath and sighed and looking at the floor he frowned. “Sweetheart you know I fancy you and you know I want you and you know I love spending time with you.”

"Well what’s the fucking problem them?"

"Rae," his voice cracked, "please don’t insult me. It’s not me you really want, is it?"

"Course it is, you’re my boyfriend"

"Rae, please. Much as I want to, I can’t let you do this to yourself or to me." He was struggling to talk now. "Sweetheart, you know you talk in your sleep don’t you? It’s not just that you mumble his name, Rae. You’ve been holding back and you’ve been really distant…" he trailed off.

"Dumping me are you, has tonight made you realise that you don’t want to go out with a mental whale has it?" She shouted at him.

He grabbed her hand. “Rae, please, no. Have you not listened? That’s not true. It’s not. Can’t you see I’m falling in love with you? Do you have any idea how painful it is when the person you love doesn’t feel the same way?”

Rae felt she’d been hit by a lorry. She nodded quietly, tears running down her face. “You’d better go then, Graham.”

“I can’t leave you like this, can I?”

They both turned round at a small cough coming from the bottom of the stairs. Karim was in his dressing gown “It’s OK Graham, you go, I look after Rae”.

That night Karim softly spoke to Rae. He listened to her protestations that she didn’t like anyone else and sympathetically held her hand. He didn’t really say much but what he did say was “Rae, is that Finn” and it all came out - the phone calls, his refusal to talk to her  “Karim, he just doesn’t love me”. Karim knew he had to get this right, he’d been a moody teenage boy once…”Rae, sometimes peoples say things they not mean when they…. they hurt yes? I not sure that Finn not like you”

************************************************************************************************

Rae stayed at home for the next couple of days. Avoiding calls from her friends. She’d gone for tea with Mrs Dewhurst though and told her all about Graham. Mrs Dewhurst had nodded sagely, she was expecting something like this to happen. after the last chat. She’d made a second pot of tea and asked Rae to come around at anytime if she wanted to talk. She knew what’d happened to Rae all those months ago when the ambulance had come. She’d gone round to Linda’s the next day, being her usual nosey self, but had been humbled by Linda’s tears and concern for her daughter. She’d made tea and helped Linda clean the carpet in Rae’s room. When Linda had been visiting Rae she made a casserole.

Both Archie and Chloe had called and asked to ask her to go out on Malc’s ritual Christmas Eve piss-up. Karim had answered and gone to get Rae but she’s told him to tell them she was ill. Karim didn’t like that plan but he wanted to keep the peace in the house and did what she asked. Rae  just couldn’t speak to them. She sat in her room and put on the radio again. She couldn’t face any of stations that played decent music because that would remind her of… No Rae you’ve got to move on.

So she’d ended up listening to some crappy station that played awful pop. And she’d had couple more hot showers. She promised herself those would be the last. Christmas Day was then pretty awful, Linda and Karim had tried so hard and bought her Bowie on vinyl but that only reminded her of one person.

She was struggling to process the incident with Ian and Saul. Kester was away until New Year. She couldn’t call Chloe as she was too fragile, she simply couldn’t face Archie after what Graham had said. She knew Izzy and Chop were with their families. She stayed awake most of the night thinking and rethinking things.

She was exhausted on Boxing Day and started the day with a very hot shower. She promised herself that would be the last one. She’d gone a bit far really her skin was agony. Linda had been very tearful all day and Karim had been walking Jasmine around  trying to settle her and keep Linda calm at the same time. Thoughts ran through her head all day…”whale” “fat” and worst still the fact she’d gone and thrown herself at Graham. She was mortified because she knew he was right and angry with herself because deep down she still had feelings for Finn. That night she couldn’t sleep again and had drank rather too much vodka. She’d woken after a terrible nightmare involving Saul at 2am, feeling very disorientated and panicked. Without really knowing what she was doing she’d got the penknife out. She felt much better. She promised herself it was just this time.

**********************************************************************************

Archie called Izzy on the 27th as he was worried about Rae. He’d seen Graham at James’ before Christmas and Graham had explained that he and Rae had split. He was clearly very cut up about it and had reluctantly admitted that Rae had feelings for someone else. Graham had said “Arch mate I should have known. She kept repeating a name in her sleep from the first night she stayed at mine” Archie frowned - he didn’t like where this was going, “He’s called Finn”. “Oh fuck,” Archie griped. Graham was worried about Rae and had asked Archie to look out for her. Archie had told James but they’d agreed not to tell Chloe.

Chloe was really struggling. She’d been washing her hands repeatedly. It started when she got into the Swan after that night and Izzy had had to fetch her from the ladies. She’d then started again when she got home. James had been exceedingly patient with her. They’d had a tricky couple of days and James had eventually phoned Chloe’s mother, who in turn had called Kester.

Archie had asked Izzy if she’d heard from Rae. Neither she nor Chop had heard a thing. They agreed Archie should be the one to go round there. Karim had let him in and explained Rae was sad in her room and indicated Archie should go up. Rae was mortified when Archie turned up. “Spose you know about Graham then” she said. He nodded “I’m sorry Rae”. Neither of them wanted to mention the reason why they broke up but Rae figured she had nothing to loose. “How the hell do you move on Arch, I hate him - he called me frigid for fucks sake” and the details of THAT call spilled out… “even so Arch, I can’t stop thinking about Finn”.

Archie had put an arm over her shoulders and she shot up from her bed. “Rae, Rae?” she mumbled something and moved into the corner to fiddle with her CD’s and but Archie was not fooled. He saw she was crying and walked over to her and gently put her hand in his. “Rae, please tell me, I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me”. Rae fought with herself but she remembered Jasmine and slowly took her sweatshirt off and showed Archie her back. “Jesus, Rae, Oh fuck” Archie had calmly dressed the burn. And she’d fallen asleep in his arms. Fuck Finn Nelson he thought Fuck Finn.

******************************************************************************************

Finn had spent a lot of time walking over Christmas. He loved the fresh air. His nan had always taken him on long walks and talked of her time growing up on the moors and he felt close to her up there. It was a noisy household as Jenny And Steven’s 5 children (2 girls and 3 boys) were all at home at Christmas. He’d not done much other than walk and stare at the Christmas tree on Christmas day. But he’d gradually done more on Boxing Day and the 27th. He’d actually silently helped with the dishes and gone out to help with Steven and the two eldest boys with feeding the sheep at Jenny’s suggestion. But he’d still not said a word.

Gary, Neil, Sarah and Jenny had all sat down in the evening and discussed Finn. Finn was off watching TV with the eldest four of Jenny’s children. Gary was worried about Finn still not talking even though he was functioning. They’d debated what on earth to do next - he was 17 of course and not a small boy anymore. They talked about Finn’s home sickness and what might have wrong. Clearly he was very upset over the death of his nan, but there was more to it than that.

In the end Gary decided to phone an old family friend for advice. And then he’d phoned Archie.

*****************************************************************************************

Rae had felt a bit better in the morning. Archie had asked Izzy to come round and she’d broken down and told her about that call with Finn. Izzy was shocked - that did not sound like the Finn she knew.

She’d mentioned it to Chop later to stop Chop storming round to Rae’s and dragging her down to the Swan as he promised to do. Chop had ranted and raved about that wanker Finn.

So, the following day when Archie showed up on his doorstep explaining he needed his help for Finn and Rae. Chop was livid.

"I am not helping that twat Finn. He left,he won’t return our calls, won’t speak to us and look how he’s upset our Rae. I don’t care what trouble he’s in Archer. No fuckin' way."

"Chop, he’s in real trouble. He’s not said a word for more than two weeks". Chop frowned.

"You remember last time this happened don’t ya?"

"Oh fuck... but that still don’t mean..."

"No Chop, he’s behaved like a twat. But this is first Christmas without his nan. You know Christmas is hard enough for him anyway"

Chop nodded. He remembered Finn’s mum had left on Christmas Eve. But he was still cross with Finn. “But he was coping, wasn’t he, I mean the funeral and that went OK.”

"Fucks sake Chop, that’s because he could talk about it couldn’t he? He could open up."

"Yeah, Rae made everything alright for him, so why on earth…" and the realisation hit Chop. "He never got over her, did he?"

Archie shook his head. “Thing is Chop, Rae’s in bad way. A very bad way too. But I think she still likes him.”

"They was so good together Arch, but what …”

"It’s risky, but I think I’ve got a plan " said Archie "But we all need to do this together”.

  
"Counsel o’ war my son. Counsel o’ war, The Swan tomorrow at 7!" Chop so loved a plan.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning Warning - still mentions of OCD, self harm and nasty stuff and some cheeky bits.  
> But this is happier.

Archie had decided to call everyone in person about the counsel of war. He wanted to quietly explain to each of them about Finn and Rae but without breaking Rae’s confidence about the burn. He was also slightly concerned that Chop might rabbit on too much about the party. He needed the others on board with the idea of the plan, before he told them just where he intended for them to go, he thought Chop might be less than impressed with the party’s new location, let alone the fact there might not actually be a party.

Chop was getting the drinks in at The Swan. Sat round the table were Archie, Chloe, James, Malc and Malc’s best mate Dave. Malc and Dave had known Finn for years - they’d all played football together. It’d been Dave who’d set the date up with Olivia.

Chop set the tray of drinks down on the table with a huge grin. “Right girls and boys, let’s get this counsel o’ war going”. “Chop” Izzy said raising her eyebrows at him, hand on arm.

The discussion about how unhappy both Finn and Rae were started. Izzy was worried about Finn she thought he still liked Rae, but what if he didn’t, would this plan make him worse? Malc chipped in “Sure this isn’t about Olivia? ” (Malc had had the hots for Olivia for years and couldn’t understand why Finn had dumped her. He wondered if it was Olivia who actually dumped Finn.)

"Look guys", Chloe began…"I think Rae is the real reason why Finn left"

"Yeah, we all know he missed our Raemundo’s company, Chlo, I mean who wouldn’t" Said Chop "But he also weren’t happy at college and wanted to get a job ". He knew Finn had never got over Rae but he was sure that there must be more to Finn’s silence than Rae.

Chloe shook her head “I need to tell you this. One night he asked me in the chippy, how you get over someone…..”she trailed off. She felt a bit silly, selfish even to have kept this to herself and to be honest she wasn’t sure why she had. Part of her had wanted to keep Finn’s confidence, as he’d been a good friend to her hadn’t he? But at the time, part of her had also wanted to show him, she could be a good friend, you know someone a bit more like Rae and then perhaps, just perhaps he might start seeing her in a new light. She’d still had feelings for him back then. She might not have those feelings now but …..

“Look Chlo are you sure he didn’t mean Olivia?” asked Malc?

Chlo said in a firm voice “No, he told me he couldn’t’ stop thinking about Rae. Malc he was really cut up when they broke up and Olivia was definitely a rebound thing”.

“Shut up Malc” said Dave, “Just face it, you’ve been trying to get in Olivia’s knickers for years. She’s wonder bloody woman in your eyes. Not everyone feels the same. Besides it took a bit of persuading to get Finny to go out on a date with her.”

“What you’d mean he took persuading? I thought it was Finny that asked you to set them up?” said Malc.

Dave looked Malc. He hadn’t realised Malc still had it this bad. Olivia had been a couple of years ahead of them at school and Malc’s adoration of the petite brunette had started as a teenage crush. He kind of grimaced - this was a counsel of war and no point hiding this now “ Actually mate, she asked me to set her up with Finn. She really thought Finn was cute”, he looked into his beer and took a big swig.

“Fuck’s sake. Finny boy’s always had girls falling at his feet wherever he goes, sitting on his lap, slipping their number into his pocket, making eyes at him. I know he had a real thing about Rae but surely we just need to get him out there again..”

Chop hit his brother on the arm. “Our Raemundo’s special mate. You know that. The amount of time she’s had you in stitches. You’re just smarting from that time she put you in your place” Malc went a funny shade of tomato and shut up.

“Come on, this isn’t getting us anywhere” said Archie “This is about Rae and Finn. Malc you get another round in.” Malc slunk off to the bar. he didn’t get why Finn preferred Rae over Olivia but he had to admit she was funny, clever and too bloody sharp for him.

They subject then moved onto Rae. Archie wouldn’t’ say much other than she was in a bad way. Chloe had been a bit put out about the fact Rae had not told her about the break-up with Graham herself and she’d had to find out about it second hand but she had been so grateful for what Rae had done for her when Ian had reappeared and she wanted to make sure they didn’t get it wrong this time. “Archie, I’m not sure about this. I’m really not sure why Rae broke up with Finn the first time. I think she likes him but, Arch it could be the other stuff, you know bringing her down”

Archie knew only too well about stuff. He knew Rae had other stuff but he was certain of one thing “Look I know neither of them is perfect, I don’t’ know if things will be better if we can get them to talk. But I do know that Rae was really happy when they were together and Finn never talked so much”

There were a few grumbles, Chop realising the party may not be the massive drink-fest full of silly games, he planned, Malc really didn’t want to drive that far, James wanted to protect Chloe and thought she needed some time without going on such a long jaunt, Chloe wasn’t sure Archie’s plan wasn’t’ going to make things worse and Dave just wanted to watch the footie.

“Bad things happen, when good people do nothing”. Izzy hadn’t meant for her voice to be so loud. They all looked at her and suddenly were working out the logistics of the plan and nor arguing over whether there should be a plan.

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Finn was getting a bit more involved in farm life. Jenny and Stephen’s eldest boys - John and Mike were strapping lads of 20 and 18. They both worked hard on the farm but spent an inordinate amount of time mucking about and playing jokes on each other. John and Mike  thought Finn had been a bit soft to start with - after all what 17 year old lad refuses to talk?. But Jenny had given them a stern talking to. She’d brought them up to be kind and understanding.  

Both had been more than impressed when Steven had asked Finn to help them shift some bales on the 28th and he indicated he’d help with a nod of his head. John and Mike were used to the hard physical work the farm required and expected Finn to be hopeless. But they quickly realised that despite being quite a bit shorter than them, Finn was immensely strong. And he wasn’t just strong either, he worked really hard. Whilst John and Mike had stopped for a breather and Mike had gone to get some tea, Finn was still lifting bales.

Mike had had to move into John’s room so Finn could have his room so the brothers were back to sharing bunk beds like they’d done as boys. Mike had been grumbling about not getting enough sleep as John snored but as he came back with the tea he commented “He might look like pretty boy and he might have stolen my bed, but you’ve gotta agree John, he’s makin’ farm work a piece o’ piss.” John nodded his head “Aye, at this rate we’ll be done early. Do Ya think he’ll come for pint down t’9 bells?” Mike nodded “Could be a bit odd him not speakin’ and all but our Lucy can come an all. She’ll hold his hand”.

The brothers smirked at each other. Both their sisters, Lucy 18 and Hannah 16 had been practically drooling over Finn. Lucy was at University in Manchester and was home for the holidays. They’d noticed her talking to Finn “More like at Finn” John commented and explaining how she really liked Football and how her mates at Univesity all liked football. She’d sat next to him on the sofa watching the football at night hoping to be the one that broke Finn’s silence. John and Mike thought this was hilarious as none of them had ever been into football, they’d been a family of cricketers and since she’d been University, Lucy had constantly being trying to prove she was more worldly wise than she was. Hannah at 16 had been running after Finn and making him cups of tea, tidying his bedroom while he was working and shyly glancing at him, hoping he’d come to realise she was rather quiet and shy like him. She’d even thought it a bit romantic - the good looking yet silent boy.

Finn enjoyed working with John and Mike. He wanted to talk to them, to Jenny even but he never really found his voice. He liked getting out of the house - he really didn’t like people fussing over him. And what with the girls and Gary and Jenny and Sarah it was getting a bit much. At least his Dad had been off visiting old friends most of the time. And Neil had gone back to Leeds as he had a business to run. Finn’s mind kept drifting back to his mates, Chop and Archie, he’d really fucked up there, really fucked up there. He felt sick everytime he thought about Rae. He’d lost her like he’d lost every woman he’d loved - his mum and his nan. Christmas Eve had been a hard night for him. He’d felt slightly less closed off than he’d done in Leeds, but he thought of his mum and his nan and he hadn’t been able to eat let alone sleep. Mike’s room was pretty small and pretty cold and the door wouldn’t shut properly but as he’d been softly crying in his bed, he’d been joined by a warm body.

Jenny and Steven had a number of dogs. They had meant to stick to their rules about farm dogs sleeping outside and no pets but the children had ended up with a number of pet dogs over the years. Mike was particularly soft with his dog, a lovely lurcher called Meg. She’d been a bit confused when she’d lept on Mike’s bed that night and found a stranger sleeping there. But she was a sensitive soul and had snuggled into the warm body that was shaking slightly. SInce then she’d stayed by Finn’s side. Mike’d been a bit pissed off that his dog, the dog he rescued was also bowled over by Finn. “For god’s sake John, even Meg’s in love with Finn. He’s like some lost puppy that the female of the species can’t resist. I’m going to have to stop talking so all the girls flock round me at the pub”. “Mike you’re being a dick again. Always thinking about skirt. You dick needs some exercise and given you’re never going to pull, you going to have ta have a tommy tank!”

Mike was a bit put out by his brother. John’d always been so relaxed about girls, it never seemed to bother him whether they were interested or not. He’d taken a few girls out on dates and had had a relationship for a couple of months. But he’d noticed John had turned a couple of fit birds down recently including Claire, yeah she of the double-Ds. What he wouldn’t have done for a bit O’ Claire. With a cheeky grin on his face, he piped up “But John if I have many more Tommy’s me spunk’s going to leak through this mattress and onto your face” He laughed.

John leapt out of the bottom bunk “Mike you little fucker please tell me you haven’t been wanking whilst we’ve been sharing this room”. “You sleep pretty soundly big brother” At this point John was trying to pull Mike out of the bunk and their father had walked in. “For god’s sake boys will you keep it down. You’re as bad as Rob and he’s only 7!”.

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Neil hadn’t wanted to leave the farm, he was worried about about Finn. But he had a business to run. Sarah had encouraged him to go back - Gary was staying and Steven had been more than impressed with Finn’s ability to work and had indicated he could stay as long as he needed. But Neil felt partly responsible. He should have called Gary in far sooner. The boy still hadn’t’ said anything but was communicating through nods and small gestures. He thought Gary’s idea of getting some friends to stay for New Year was a good one.

It’d been a long journey home, full of delays through the snow and Neil thanked the trusty Landrover again for her faithful service. He opened the door and made a cup of tea and sat down in his favourite chair, coat still on because he was still cold. (The Landy might have been amazing in the snow but she was pretty drafty and her heater was not up to the standards of modern cars). He took his coat up and hung it on the hooks in the hall. Something caught his eye on the floor. It was a piece of crumpled paper with Finn’s writing on. It must have fallen out when he’d got Finn’s cigarettes out that night when he Sarah and Gary had their “crisis talk”. Neil wasn’t sure whether he should look at it or not, but given the current state of affairs, any clue as to what might help Finn had to be looked into.

Neil was rather surprised to find a list of phone numbers. It was rather an old piece of writing paper with flowers on which he recognised as one of mother’s. And there at the top was in her writing was her phone number. After that there was then a collection of other numbers scribbled down in different pens clearly over a number of years. He scanned the list of names and recognised Chop and Archie. He knew Gary had called Archie and had arranged for a couple of Finn’s mates to come up but he remembered Finn had been pretty cut up about a girl. Perhaps he could call her and see if she knew anything more about Finn, it might embarrass him but needs must. He scanned the list of names trying to remember the girl’s name. There were a lot of funny sounding names on there - clearly nicknames - Macca, Malc, Al and Rae. “Rae as in in Raymund” thought Neil. There were only 3 girls names - Izzy - she was one of his friends recalled Neil as she was Chop’s girlfriend, Stacey but that was crossed out - Neil remembered Finn had dumped her last year and Olivia. Olivia - that must be her and he picked up the phone.

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Archie, as self-nominated leader of the council o’ war, had decided it would be best if he and Izzy went to talk to Rae the next morning. Chop was bound to mention parties - he had this terrible habit of putting his foot in it when it came to parties.

Linda opened the door “Look, I don’t know which one of you lot upset her but she doesn’t want to talk you” and started crying. “Sorry I’m just tired and worried about Rae”.

Archie smiled sympathetically and put his hand on Linda’s arm. “You must be very tired with Jasmine needing feeding through the night Mrs Bouchtat”. “Archie love” she started “It’s not Jasmine, I , I think, I’m going through the change.” Izzy looked at Archie with a confused look who in turn was silent for once. Luckily Karim came through sat Linda down and motioned for Archie and Izzy to go upstairs.

They found Rae in her room. She was wearing a rather odd combination of clothes - it looked like she had her Oasis t-shirt on with a pair of tracksuit bottoms and her stripey robe on top. Her hair was lank and her eyes were puffy but she gave her friends a half-hearted smile.

“Rae, we were thinking” began Archie. “New Year’s is coming up”

“No Archie, whatever it is I’m not coming out - no parties”

“See Rae, Chop’s been planning this really stupid sexy party with foam and silly cocktails. He won’t be deterred. But after last year - well his mum and dad nearly kicked him out and I don’t want him getting into more trouble” said Izzy

“We thought, we all thought it would be nice to get away, you know, you, Iz, Chlo, James, Chop and me. Chop will only come if Malc and Dave come as he doesn’t want them having a party without him. “ said Archie rolling his eyes.

“I dunno” said Rae. “You know Graham and I split up and I’m not really feeling up to it” Rae didn’t want to mention anything to do with Finn. She knew Archie knew about her feelings for Finn , but she hadn’t told Izzy when she’d told her about THAT phone call. The less said about those feelings, the quicker she could forget them.

“Come on Rae” Izzy put a hand on her arm “Chlo needs a break and so do you. Be kind to yourself, please come because I won’t go if you’re not going “

“And I won’t go if you’re not going” Interrupted Archie.

“Alright then” said Rae and rolled her eyes. Anything had to be better than spending several days shut in with her mother and Karim and her bloody mother had been whinging on about the change again. Besides, I’m brave new Rae.

Izzy squealed and Archie grinned.

“So where is it we are going then?”

“A farm in Yorkshire” said Archie

“What the fuck are we doing going to a farm in Yorkshire? Hardly going to be any decent music there is there, even if it does keep flipping Chop from committing a crime against parties” said Rae. She was less convinced now - why the fuck were they going to Yorkshire?

“Yeah, well” said Izzy “It’ll be just like that time we went camping”. Archie kicked her hard on the shin.But it was too late.

“Actually I can’t come. What was I thinking?” said Rae shaking her head “You’ve seen the state my mum was in and , and I’ve got to go to a pigeon race”.

“The fuck Rae? Please for Uncle Archie”

“Fuck off Archie - I know you mean well but please just go”. Rae said

Izzy put her hand on Archie’s arm. “Sorry Iz” Rae said in a quiet voice.

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Olivia had been very surprised to get a phonecall from Finn’s Uncle Neil in Leeds. She’d heard Finn had gone to work for his Uncle in Leeds, it was something he had mentioned- in the context of what he was going to do after college.

To be honest, Olivia had always found it a little bit uncomfortable that she was dating someone who was still in college, however ever fit he was. She’d seen Finn around a few times in pubs and at the odd party - who could fail to miss him? He was so hot that she and all her mates had spent quite a few hours, no days really, drooling over that face, that body and that arse. Jokingly, she had said she wouldn’t mind a piece of that and could somebody please set her up. She knew Finn was a mate of Dave and Malcs and more accurately Malc’s mouthy brother Chop. Malc and Dave were always flirting with her in that rather too obvious way.

She’d always dismissed them as being a bit immature - that went back to school days. She’d dated a fair few men in her time. They were always attracted to her petite figure and her pretty face and sleek brown hair. Most of the men she dated from work were a bit older and wanted commitment and marriage and she was so not ready for all that yet. She’d assumed Finn was 20 , well maybe 19 so she was rather shocked when Dave had told her he was, in fact, 17.

Her mates ribbed her for a few days before that first date but when she and Finn had turned up to the pub at the end of the evenings, it was evident they were all a bit jealous. That boy had one hell of a face and when he smiled, well that was something else. And the first time he’d gone clubbing with her mates and had stripped down to a tight white t-shirt as it was so warm, it looked like a couple of them might faint.  She had to admit she was pretty proud that she had managed to pull him.

Thing was he wasn’t just a pretty face, no he was actually really kind and what surprised her most was that he wasn’t in any way arrogant (well except for when it came to music when it appeared he prided himself on his superior knowledge). It seemed as if he was in no way aware of how good looking he was and how other people might be affected by this. She also knew he had a great group of mates, though it was always a little difficult when they went out as a group because his mates wanted to do typical 17 year old things like drinking games, being silly, going to rather shit parties and generally fooling around. She’d rather go out to wine bars and nightclubs rather than the grotty Indie places they visited and as for parties - well dinner parties would be more her style.

Olivia had soon ended up meeting Finn at school - collecting him in her car, and if she’d popped out from work at lunchtime, they might chat for five minutes and he might just give her one of his delicious kisses. God he was a good kisser and he was good at touching her. He might have only been 17 but he really knew how to please a woman. She’d always found it a bit odd that he wasn’t so keen on receiving her touch back. They’d only done it a couple of times though and it was then she’d thought he was holding back. And then there was the time he’d talked in his sleep and she’d known he was holding back.

Finn hadn’t been much of a talker. He never really talked about his family and he’d definitely never opened up. He chatted about his mates and football and music mostly. What he had talked about most of all was a friend of his called Rae. She’d assumed for a while that Rae had been male but was rather surprised to find out Rae was a girl, very much a girl. She might have been one of tallest girls Olivia had ever seen but she probably also had the biggest boobs Olivia had ever seen. She was rather envious, as although she had a reasonable bust for a size 6, she’d always felt about inadequate about her B-cups.

He’d dumped her. She wasn’t overly surprised  but disappointed nonetheless. He’d told her it wasn’t really working out - she had a mortgage and a credit card and was sophisticated he was just a college kid who liked music and footie. He’d been very nice about it but she’d known that wasn’t the real reason.

So here she was packing a bag and going away the next day to some god forsaken farm in the middle of nowhere. She had no idea why she had agreed to go really. But there was something in Neil’s tone saying that Finn was having a tough time and it would be good to see his mates. That’s another thing she couldn’t’ believe Finn would have asked Neil to call her. But she felt a bit of responsibility towards Finn - she had a younger brother after all . And she didn’t have anything to do this new year - well she might have had a few invites but they were mostly to parties which would be full of couples and she dreaded the marriage and baby talk. Being honest to herself, part of her wouldn’t mind a repeat of some of their snogging sessions. But she pushed that to the back of her mind - she had an inkling what had been behind their break up and after Neil had told her Finn’s mum had left on Christmas Eve, a strange type of mothering instinct had kicked in and she’d agreed to go but had booked herself a B&B and not taken up the offer of sleeping bag.

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Rae was feeling a bit cross and bit sad. She couldn’t work out if she was annoyed with her mates trying to drag her to some farm in Yorkshire to cheer her up (I mean how can that be fun especially after the last time they were all together at a farm) or whether she was annoyed with herself for changing her mind. She couldn’t face staying in all day so she went over to Mrs Dewhurst’s for a cup of tea.

Mrs Dewhurst put on the tea as usual and listened to Rae talking on and on about her mates and this farm in Yorkshire that they wanted to drag her too in this weather. When Rae had mentioned that it was Archie dragging her up there something clicked in Mrs Dewhurst’s head. She realised Rae had to go on this holiday. She had to make this happen.

Rae said she couldn’t leave her mother when she was still so fragile but Mrs Dewhurst had said she would visit Linda everyday and stay in Rae’s room if needs be.

“Look, Rae love, sometimes it’s good for us to get away. A bit of a change of scene and fresh Yorkshire air will do you some good. As well as spending time with your friends and don’t say that they they’re not your friends Rae. Take it from me Rae, good friends are with you through thick and thin but that doesn’t mean that they won’t irritate you from time and it doesn’t mean that you won’t argue and fight and even fall out from time to time. And sometimes we end up going along with friends plans or doing things because we know those things are important to them, even though we might not particularly like or want to do them. From what you’ve told me, you mean a lot to you friends and I’m sure they mean a lot to you”.

“But”

“No buts Rae. Please listen to me, I might be an old codger in your eyes but believe me I know a thing or two about friendships and the pain of the loss of those friendships.” she paused “Be kind to yourself, go with your friends, allow them to make plans…. to show you what is beautiful in their eyes; what tastes bring discovery and contentment; what music thrills them, makes them want to dance and makes them want to cry; the smells that excite them, that make their noses, curl up in distaste and those that remind them of intense joy, love and pain; the people they love and want to hold, the things that comfort them; and most importantly what lights the fire in their souls. There is nothing like shared experience Rae, nothing”

Rae was completely taken aback by Mrs Dewhurst’s poetic outburst “Actually you’re right Mrs Dewhurst. I’ll go if you look after mum”. She hugged her said goodbye and wandered home to call Archie and Iz to apologise and tell them the news.

After Rae had gone, Mrs Dewhurst breathed a huge sigh of relief. She thought she’d done the right thing. She’d had Gary Nelson on the phone less than 48 hours earlier. She’d first met the Nelson family when she was working as a district nurse. A GP had asked her to see if she could help the family (well father and son) after Gary had visited several times because the boy wouldn’t utter a word after his mother left. The boy had clearly been in shock and withdrawn after his mother left. It broke her heart to see the boy mute and uninterested at first. But Gary Nelson had taken on her non-medical suggestions of simply surrounding the boy by love and friendship. The boy’s grandmother and her dog had moved in for while and his friends Archie and Arnold Peters were near permanent residents. She’d been late one day due to her car not starting and having to walk. And Gary Nelson had kindly helped fix her car and a friendship had been struck up.

After a few months Finn Nelson had started to speak again. He’d never been much of a talker but then neither had his father. She’d kept in touch with the family since then. Gary often brought the boy with him when he did odd jobs for her and she babysat sometimes. When he’d called this week, Gary was distraught that his now 17 year old son was once again refusing to talk. The reasons why weren’t clear but he was clearly missing his grandmother who had been a rock since his mother left. Gary mentioned some friend called Rae who he’d really opened up to, well she might have been a girlfriend in fact but it seemed they were no longer talking. Mrs Dewhurst had again suggested surrounding the boy with friends and family somewhere he could take long walks and think. Gary had mentioned they were staying on a farm in Yorkshire with some of his brother’s friends - so rather a long way a way. Nonsense she’d said invite the friends up. Surround him with love and friendship.

Mrs Dewhurst wasn’t stupid. She’d seen Finn Nelson and Rae together a few times and it was clear they were more than friends. In fact, one night looking out to see who was making noise at that ungodly hour, she’d had to avert her eyes. They certainly didn’t kiss like that in her day. And having heard Rae’s bother was to do with Finn that Sunday morning, then she felt certain that they needed to talk to each other. She suspected they both still liked each other, passion like she’d seen in that kiss did not happen very often, …. Mrs Dewhurst shuddered at the thought. She’d done her best now to get those two talking. Communication was the key to everything.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING WARNING: Another darkish episodes with mentions of mental health issues, non-consensual sex, OCD, etc.

James had been nervous about how Chloe would react after the incident with Ian in the alley behind the Chippie. She’d demanded to go to the pub that night - like Rae she wanted to be brave and strong and didn’t want Ian to affect her night out, her fun. But of course, things were not going to be that simple.

After she’d been referred to Kester a couple of months back, Chloe had been diagnosed with OCD. It was her coping mechanism - every time the memories came back or she felt unhappy or threatened she washed her hands. It had started after that first shower she’d taken at Rae’s when she’d finally left Ian. She’d felt that she’d left the filth and squalor of Ian’s behind and somehow it was like she was washing away the horrid things that Ian and his friends had done to her and making herself clean and new again.

She’d done pretty well and had started to talk to Kester and had made gradual progress in coping. But the alley incident had been a big setback. She’d started washing her hands as soon as she got in the pub and again at home. James recognised that this was happening and tried to be as supportive as possible. But he was troubled about just what had happened at Ian’s. He had a fair idea but Chloe had never told him any detail and he’d never pushed or asked. He thought she would tell him as and when she was ready.

Since that night in the alley James had become increasingly concerned that his and Chloe’s relationship could be making it worse for her. Perhaps she had jumped into a sexual relationship too quickly. He couldn’t bear the thought of pushing her too quickly or adding to the issue. So after a particularly heated snogging session he’d said he was tired. The next time he’d found an excuse not to stay over.

The next time Chloe came over to his, she was demanding his attention. She’d worn a ludicrously short skirt and had practically leapt on him. He’d been slightly panicked at first but remembered something he’d seen in a book at Chloe’s, something he’d never tried before. It had been rather interesting being head to toe but once she’d started he thought his brain was literally going to melt and he had to use all his mental and physical strength to keep focused on making sure she finished first. (Being an athlete he loved to challenge himself physically.) This experience taught that in reality, he wasn’t very experienced at all and there was far more to it than the missionary position.

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They’d only had a couple of hours to pack before they needed out of there. It was chaos - Iz phoning Rae, Rae phoning Chloe, Chloe phoning Archie and Archie phoning Chop and about every single other possible combination. Nobody knew what the sleeping arrangements were (to be honest Archie had never asked Gary), who was bringing what or where they were even going.

They were going in 3 cars, James and Chloe were to follow the next day as James had yet another training session. Archie, Izzy and Rae in one car and Chop Dave and Malc in the other. Of course Chop wanted to go with Izzy but Izzy had heard him boasting to Dave and Malc that he could get his hands in her knickers on the way in the backseat without Archie and Rae, knowing. Izzy told him he was a horrible boy and he had to go with his equally horrible brother.

Chop had packed everything he could possibly think might be useful including 2 tents, 4 bottles of Vodka, HP sauce, several bags of party poppers, twister, some fairy lights and some vinyl. Chop really didn’t’ know his stuff when it came to music but he liked some of the stuff he’d heard at Finn’s a bought the odd album along the way.

The two cars set off at lunchtime. It was a fair way to drive, given the cold and the snow. Rae and Chop were designated map readers. They hadn’t got that far up the A1 when they had to stop as Dave was hungry. So they found themselves inside a motorway service station bickering.

“I’m fuckin starving too” said Malc

“Look we’ve got a long way to go, I really think you should just get some sandwiches and eat them in the car” - Archie was keen to move on.

“I need proper food like a burger and fries Archie - I can’t drive on an empty stomach” Malc interjected.

In the end Malc, Dave and Chop had burgers and the others bought sandwiches. Rae was strangely quiet. She was thinking about, well, she didn’t want to think about but couldn’t help herself thinking about, Finn. She wondered if she’d been prettier or perhaps thinner, or both, whether things would have gone that wrong. Maybe, just maybe she could have taken her clothes off in front of him and he wouldn’t have gone to Leeds. She thought about Leeds and about what Finn had said about all the girl’s he’d met in Leeds and how she was frigid. She couldn’t believe that he’d said that. She’d never really known him had she? Or maybe she’d driven him to that behaviour, he was probably used to having lots of sex and they’d been together a fair few weeks and he’d needed it.

********************************************************************************************************Olivia’s car pulled up into the farm driveway. She would have preferred to have gone to her B&B first and checked in but check in wasn’t until after 5. Now she was here she was feeling very nervous. She really couldn’t’ remember why she’d agreed to come. Finn was a 17 year old boy and here she was arriving to talk to the boy who wouldn’t speak. What would Finn’s family make of her? She’d only met Gary a couple of times and she wasn’t sure that he approved. Not that he’d said anything and he’d been very hospitable. But there had been doubts in her mind. She now wondered if she would get the blame for Finn’s refusal to speak. She really didn’t want to get out of the car.

Was she somehow responsible? Olivia was sitting in her car, engine running, about to turn for home when Sarah came out of the farmhouse and invited her in.

“You must be one of Finn’s friends. I’m Sarah Finn’s aunt, thank you for coming”.

Olivia smiled nervously “Hi, quite a place this” she said looking around.

“This is my oldest friend Jenny and her husband Steven’s farm. I think his family have farmed the land around here for years.” Sarah looked at Olivia in her leather coat and high heeled boots and wondered how this was going to go. “You must come in love it’s freezing out here”.

Olivia followed Sarah into the farmhouse. She realised that she really hadn’t dressed for the occasion. She really shouldn’t have worn a short skirt and fitted jumper with these boots - she looked more like she was about to go out to a bar, not visit a farm. She felt really uncomfortable and a bit silly, not sophisticated like she’d intended. At that moment Jenny walked in and put the kettle on.

“Jenny this is Olivia one of Finn’s friends” said Sarah.

If Jenny was surprised she didn’t let it show “Nice to meet you. Would you like a cup of tea?”

Olivia smiled and accepted. She’d really rather drink coffee but she really didn’t want to make a fuss or make Jenny think she was one of those stupid city types. Olivia sat down at the table as Jenny motioned her to do so.

“Finn and his dad are out with Steven at the moment, down t’North yard” explained Jenny. “North yard’s got a lot of barns and we’ve had to use them to get the sheep in because of the snow as the barns here are full.” She paused.

“We lived in the little cottage there when Steven’s parents were living in this house. John was born there in that cottage”.

“After Lucy was born they let us move in here and they moved into the village. Nobody’s lived in the cottage for years. It never had electric but we got by. Steven uses it as an onsite office now, come junk store when he’s over there. It’s even got a generator!”

“Oh said Olivia” she didn’t really know what to say. “So er how far away is this yard?”

“Well, if you went by road, it’d be about 5 miles. But it’s about 2 miles through the fields. You can make it in the tractor in most weathers. I expect the boys will all be coming back for lunch soon.”

Sarah thought she should say something, something about how Finn was. She didn’t know where to start though and rather clumsily the obvious fell out of her mouth “ So how’d you know Finn love?”

“Finn and I , we er dated” said Olivia, slightly wistful smile on her lips.

“Oh I see” said Sarah. She was confused. That night she’d spoken to Finn about a girl and had suggested a letter. Well this wasn’t really what she’d expected and from what has subsequently happened she couldn’t believe Olivia would be here if she were the one Finn was cut up about but who was she to judge.

“Well love I’m glad you’re here . Finn’s been very quiet recently” she sighed “well he’s really not said anything you see and well we thought.” …. her voice was drowned out by the noise of two large tractors arriving in the yard.

Olivia looked up. There was a lot of noise as two huge young men, Gary and another older man and two huge young men all proceeded to jump down from the cab and the trailers. The two huge men were bickering and a young boy ran in between them. Suddenly she caught sight of smaller man with broad shoulders and slightly ruffled hair at the back of the group, smoking a cigarette.

Fuck. Her stomach did a somersault, he’s heartbreakingly handsome even in a grubby pair of overalls and huge boots. She stared at him out of the window. He looked like the same Finn to her, the Finn that had stolen the hearts of a group of 20 something women, that made them go weak at the knees, the polite Finn, the fun Finn… shit the door was opening.

Various people and dogs came in and out of the kitchen. It was noisy.Olivia smoothed down her hair and stood up. Her heart came into her mouth as he walked in looking at the floor. She smiled and walked towards him “Finn”.

Finn suddenly looked up. He stopped dead in his tracks and the colour drained from his face. His brain was trying to make sense of what on earth was happening. What the fuck was Olivia doing here, why the fuck was she here and then it happened as his mouth dropped open “Liv?”

**********************************************************************************************************

The journey was taking forever. “For fuck’s sake Malc, we not going to get there by New Year at this rate” whinged Chop. He was most fed up with being stuck in a car away from Izzy.

“Look Chopper if your mate didn’t drive so bloody slowly we’d be there already” retorted Malc.

“Will you two just pack it in, I’m trying to get some shut eye here” said Dave.

Things weren’t much better in the other car. Archie was stressed, it was getting dark and they were driving through the moors. Rae who would be more useful with a map was sat in the back staring out of the window and Izzy was reading the map. “Izz turning the map around is not going to help us go the right way …”

“I’m trying Archie, I’m trying”.

Rae was getting more and more down. This bad feeling she couldn’t shake had started at the service station and wasn’t going anywhere. It had got worse when she’d realised Leeds was up the A1.

“Archie, why the fuck are we going to a farm in Yorkshire?” “I mean whose house is this?”

“Rae. As I’ve said before it’s a family friend.”

Izzy was a fed bit up by now. She wasn’t overly happy with the charade. At first she’d agreed to it all because she was so happy at the idea of getting her two dear friends back together. But as the journey had gone on, she was beginning to realise, that perhaps this wasn’t the best idea. She was worried now about just how wrong this could go. Perhaps this was a very bad idea. And she knew she had to say something, it wasn’t fair on Rae.

“Rae, the thing is..OW Archie what on earth?”

Rase suddenly looked at her friends - this was odd “Archie why did you smack Izz”

“I, err, well I er well I thought Izz was. Fuck where are we?” Archie stopped the car.

****************************************************************************************************

Finn walked turned around and walked out. He went outside and lit another cigarette. What the fuck was Olivia doing here? What on earth was going on? Who invited her? He had that sinking feeling again. Olivia. Olivia. Really Finn why did you go out with her? She was nice enough wasn’t she but she was a bit serious and well, she didn’t really get his music, his idea of a good night out. No Olivia liked her wine bars, she tolerated the pub and was generally polite and friendly. He could never deny she wasn’t in bad shape, she had a good body but…The trouble was Finn, she wasn’t Rae. He hung his head.

Gary’s elation at hearing Finn’s voice soon turned to despair as he saw his son run outside. Finn was visibly shaking as he finished his cigarette. Gary walked over to Finn and put his arm around him.

“Son, I’m sorry. I should have said something. It’s just well, its just..” Gary broke down and tears started to come. He vowed this wasn’t going to happen as he needed to be strong for Finn.

“Finn, I’m sorry.  Son I didn’t know what to do. I, I was frightened you know. That time after your mother left” the tears were running freely now. He swallowed “When you didn’t speak. I never knew if you would ever “ this choking noise came out of his mouth and Finn looked at him.

“Son I couldn’t stop your mother leaving. I can’t say enough sorrys for that. I know you were upset and hurt and that was part of why you weren’t talking. I just wanted make it all better for you - I wanted to take the pain away but you shut yourself off. And when I saw you back in Leeds I was scared, really scared again.”

“We just thought if we got some of your friends up here, they might be able to help you so I phoned Archie. Nothing I, nor your Uncle Neil, did was making any difference and we couldn’t let you destroy yourself with drink or…. if it was the wrong thing to do I am sorry, I am sorry I’m not the best father, I am pretty shit in fact and maybe you hate me for it. Maybe I was the reason your mother left and I am sorry. All I’ve ever wanted for you son , is the best for you, and for you to be happy and I “

Gary suddenly felt strong arms around him. “Da”

They stayed in the hug for a long time. Finn finally broke free. Somehow he had to try, try again for his dad. He had to do something. Finn gave his dad a small smile and walked back into the farmhouse. He felt bad for everyone. They’d tried hard. He decided to force himself to make the effort but he still couldn’t understand why Archie would have asked Olivia to come.

Finn walked into the kitchen with Gary. Finn set out two cups and poured two cups of tea one for him and one for his father.

Sarah decided to take a risk. They’d been avoiding asking him questions other than those that were answerable by a simple nod or shake of the head. It was like an unspoken pact. They hadn’t wanted to push him, they simply let him know in all sorts of ways that they were there, if he ever want to talk to them.

“Finn what do you think your friend would like for tea tonight?”

Finn shrugged. Fuck! Olivia. He sighed, poured out another cup of tea, he couldn’t remembered how she liked it - actually he wasn’t sure that she even liked tea. Finn took his tea and her tea and wandered into the living room where the TV was on. Lucy and Hannah were watching TV with Olivia. Actually Lucy, who felt quite threatened by Olivia was talking about her exciting life at University and giving her a bit of a grilling and Hannah asked her where she got her nails done.

Finn handed Olivia a cup of tea and plonked himself on the sofa next to her. Jenny popped her head round the door and requested Lucy and Hannah’s help with supper. She wanted to give Finn and Olivia some space.

Finn just couldn’t speak he didn’t know what to say to the girl, no woman, that he’d slept with, when, in fact he liked someone else. Olivia had spent a few minutes talking to Jenny whilst Finn was outside. She knew she had to be the one to speak.

“Finn” she held his hand “I think things might be a tough for you now you know. Your Uncle Neil called me.” Finn was not liking where this was going and he tensed up completely, desperately wanting to pull his hand back from Olivia’s.

Olivia sensed this. “Finn, I’ll cut to the chase. I only came here because your Uncle asked me to..” She sighed, fuck this was going to be much harder than she thought “and you know, fuck’s sake Liv just spit it out” Shit she’d just said that out loud.

Finn was a bit taken aback, this was not the confident smooth Olivia he knew. What was going on?. He turned towards her and looked at her. That seemed to give her the confidence she needed.

“Finn, I can’t lie, I wanted to see you again. I liked you, liked you a lot you know. It’s not just that you’re cute for a 17 year old. You’re….. you’re really really hot” She blushed, “but it’s not just that you’re kind you’re helpful and you’re thoughtful and any girl would be lucky to be with a man like you. So I have to admit my motives in coming here weren’t purely altruistic “ A tear ran down her face. Finn had no idea what altruistic meant but he realised it took a lot to crack Liv’s tough exterior, so he squeezed her hand and gave her a half smile.

“It’s not me is it Finn?”

Oh shit he thought this was not going to be pretty. He really didn’t want to hurt her feelings but he just couldn’t say anything. That sinking feeling began again. He looked down.

“Finn, please, I am not stupid. It really was never me was it? You don’t need to spare my feelings over this one. I’ve known it from the first night you stayed over because, well. Finn you know you talk in your sleep don’t you?”

Finn looked at her quizzically this really wasn’t what he expected. “Finn, it’s Rae isn’t it?”

He looked down but couldn’t hide the tears. Olivia was hit by the feeling of how much Finn was just a boy, a lost little boy who needed his mother. Whilst she never felt maternal like some of her friends, she was overwhelmed with the need to help. She wrapped her arms around him and he sobbed into her shoulder. Olivia realised she’d got it wrong, very wrong.

*******************************************************************************************************

As the cars pulled into the farmyard, everyone was very tired. It was already dark at 4pm and it was bitterly cold. Chop was driving Malc’s car. They’d given up bickering an hour ago, desperate for a hot drink and some food and they just wanted to get inside. Archie was exhausted. He’d done all the driving himself. Izzy had gone very quiet when they thought they were lost, she was clearly cold and had lost her normal fizz. Rae had navigated when they had found themselves lost and to be honest, she wasn’t the best but they’d arrived.

They all got out of the cars and started to stretch. Despite the cold, all the friends seemed to be relieved to have made it were chattering gently and looking at the lights of the farmhouse set against the background. There was something really magical about it.

Gary walked out of the house, pleased to see Archie at last.  He walked over and hugged Archie “Thanks for coming son”. Rae’s eye were practically popping out of her head. What the fucking fuckety fuck was this? She grabbed Archie by the arm and marched him down to the far end of the yard.

She wasn’t subtle when she was angry. “What the fuck Arch? Why is Gary here? What on earth do you think you’re doing? You will take me home right now, or I am fucking walking, nothing and I mean nothing you can say Archie is going to keep me here”.

Archie looked at the ground and gave her a slight grimace. “I’m sorry Rae”

“Sorry Archie, sorry!? Why the fuck would you think I would ever want to see him again after “

Rae stopped as she felt a firm but gently grip on her arm. “Rae love” Gary said.

“I know, I am probably the last person you want to talk to but I’d be ever so grateful if you’d hear me out. And, and if I can’t say anything to change your mind, I will get in my car and drive you home tonight” he said with a long sigh.

Rae’d always had a soft spot for Gary. She wasn’t’ convinced about his music taste but he’d always been kind to her and he was passionate about his music, even if it was a bit shit.

“Alright then but I’m not comin’ in. Just so you know”.

**********************************************************************************************************

Gary was worried about how cold it was and asked Archie to fetch a flask of hot tea and two cups. He started the engine of his car and motioned for Rae to get inside.

As the heater warmed up the car, they sat there shivering. Archie delivered the flask of tea. Gary poured out two cups and took a deep breath.

“Rae, love, I know it’s none of my business what happened between you and my Finn and you don’t have to tell me. What I do know is that, right now. Finn needs our help.

“Things weren’t exactly going brilliantly in Leeds which is why we’ve ended up here.” Gary was struggling to put into words just what was going on now, what had happened in Leeds and how he was going to say this all.

“Shit, I’m no good with words”

Rae looked up with a small smile on her mouth “Yeah well I guess that’s where Finn gets it from. But I don’t see why I am here or what I can do. I really don’t think he wants anything to do with me - in fact I’d positively say from our last conversation, that he can’t stand me” she sniffed as a tear rolled down her cheek.

Gary put his hand over hers, this confession somehow gave him the strength he needed “ Rae, whatever Finn said, it’s not he doesn’t like you. When he’s angry he can be really grumpy and say things he doesn’t mean.” Shit - Gary - tell her what you really need say.

“Rae, Finn’s in a bad way, a really bad way. He’s here because we had to get him out of Leeds. He’d done well at the job but he was drinking, drinking a lot and there were fights. It all seems to stem from have gone badly downhill a couple of Fridays back. He’d barely been sober from that point on and well it all came to a head one night and he got himself into a terrible state and ended up punching one of the lads, well he did a fair amount of damage. Something was, well still is clearly very wrong and”

Rae’s mind was whirring - a couple of Fridays back. Wasn’t that when they had the call?

“But Gary didn’t you ask him why he was doing these things?”

“Rae, believe me I’ve tried, I’ve really tried but you know what Finn’s like about talking…..”

“Well what did he have to say for himself?” Rae was getting a bit cross.

“Rae he’s not exactly spoken about it. I mean he hasn’t been able to talk about it”.

Rae rolled her eyes “Sounds a bit like Finn. The grumpy sod. I bet he feels a bit stupid or something but it’s not that hard to talk about stuff.”

“Rae I don’t’ think you quite understand. Finn has literally only said two words since that Friday. Until today he’s been mute Rae, totally mute “ Gary was crying now.

“It’s not the first time this has happened either.” Gary took a deep breath and tried to compose himself. “I expect Finn won’t have told you about this. His mam left him and me one Christmas Eve. To be honest Rae, I don’t know why to this day. For whatever reason Finn, just didn’t know how to react and he closed off. He didn’t speak for months Rae”

Rae put her hand on Gary’s, she was shocked. She thought Finn had been having some amazing time in Leeds with the young lads from the building site. She was trying to process this when Gary started talking again.

“I know Christmas has always been a bit tough for Finn. My mam - Finn’s nan was just fantastic. She came that first Christmas and stayed for months. She always tried to make Christmas an extra special time for him. She tried to show him that good things were out there. We also had this wonderful community nurse and she told us to surround him with love. Archie and Arnold were nearly always round and what between them, my mam and Mrs Dewhurst, he came right in the end.”

“Er Gary did you just say Mrs Dewhurst?”

“Yes love, she was the community nurse.” The cogs in Rae’s brain were working. She wondered how much Mrs Dewhurst knew about Finn’s current whereabouts and state given their last conversation -  she had a pretty good idea though and made a mental note to call her when she could.

“So Rae, I know Finn is missing his nan terribly. She was like, like…. like a second mother to him. But I know you really helped him through the funeral and all that. He talked about you a lot - a lot for Finn that is” Gary’s face broke into a small cheeky grin and Rae could see where the Finn inherited his smile from. Gary then frowned “I don’t know what happened between you two but he’s been much quieter since you’ve not been round. But Rae, I am asking you if somehow you could find it in yourself to just go and see him and talk to him. I don’t know if it will help but I’d be ever so grateful if you could try”.

Rae sat in silence for what seemed like a long time. She was trying to come to terms with what she’d heard. She was still angry with Finn over that call, over his behaviour. But she knew what it was like not to have anyone to talk to, to have problems so overwhelming you don’t know what to do with them. She thought what Kester would say and she began to realise Finn’s withdrawal from speaking was a way of shutting himself off so he could try to deal with the pain inside him. She remembered how he’d not been able to friends with her for sometime after she’d split up with him.

“Alright Gary, I’ll talk to him” She said. “We better get inside it’s flippin’ freezing in your car”.

********************************************************************************************************

Archie, Izzy, and Chop had all been so keen to see Finn when they’d got there. But Jenny knew they all needed to wind down after a long and stressful journey. They were warming up in kitchen with its huge Aga and enormous wooden table with benches. Sarah and Jenny had made two huge pots of tea and brought out various scones and cakes. They’d made hot buttered toast and crumpets and the gang had eaten a huge amount.

John and Mike came in from having been watching TV. Introductions were made. Archie said he was keen to see Finn.  

John and Mike had left Finn dozing gently on the sofa. John was concerned that Finn should be left to sleep. John was far more sensitive and attuned to others than Mike and he knew that Finn had not been sleeping well and physically he’d been working very hard. He’d often heard him talking in his sleep and walking around at night. He touched Archie on the arm. “I’d leave him be for the moment, for once he’s actually asleep”.

Rae and Gary walked in. “Oh hi Steven” said Gary “This is Rae one of Finn’s good friends. Do you know where he is?”

“Steven nodded towards the snug with the TV. “He’s in there love. I think he’s been asleep for a bit though”

Rae said thanks and decided it was now or never. As she opened the door, she saw two figures on the sofa. And then she stopped dead in her tracks. Finn wasn’t alone. She couldn’t believe it - he was asleep with his head on Miss Baileys and Ice - Olivia who was wearing a very short skirt and knee high boots of all things.

Finn gently stirred as Olivia moved and opened his eyes. He was so confused. Where was he? And was that really, was that really Rae? What was behind him? - oh it was Olivia. He panicked and just at the moment when he needed words most, when he needed to explain himself and tell her he missed her and needed her, his words failed him. He opened his mouth but no sound came out.

  
“Got nothing to say about this have ya Finn? Have hya?” said Rae. She was so angry and confused and turned on her heel and walked out of the room.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING - this is a bit dark, self harm references, very light smut and it’s flippin long and confused. I want to rewrite the whole fic at some point.

Rae stormed out of the room. What the fuck had she just seen? Her brain was struggling to process the site of Finn in Olivia’s arms. She was so preoccupied with that awful vision that she ran straight into Archie.

“Archie, please don’t tell me you knew she was going to be here”

“Er, Rae, what do you mean?”

“Finn is sat in there cuddling Olivia” Rae was almost shouting at this point

“What do’you mean? You mean Olivia, Olivia?” Archie said frowning.

“Yes Archibald. You know 24 years old, pretty, petite brunette Olivia. Miss fucking Baileys and Ice Olivia. Miss Finn just can’t resist shagging me Olivia…Miss”

“Rae I did not invite Olivia. I hardly know her for god’s sake” He put her hand your arm “I know you must be really upset but it might just be best if you keep your voice down a bit”.

With this Rae started to shake and Archie took her in his arms. “shhh shhh Rae. It’s alright. It’s going to be alright, I’m here for you”.

With all the noise and commotion, Chop and Izzy and Malc had made their way into the hall. Dave was still eating. They were followed by John and Mike and Gary.

“Archer what the bleeding fuck is going on?” said Chop

“Olivia” said Archie motioning towards the TV room.

“Which of you knobheads invited Olivia” asked Chop. He was getting really pissed off. This party was not going to happen if they couldn’t sort things about between Grumpy and Raemundo.

Gary thought he should calm things down. “I only called Archie, I was so worried about Finn. I assumed one of you invited her. Perhaps I should ask her leave”

“No. Finn’s obviously happy with her” said Rae and she pushed her way outside.

“Fuck” Archie ran out after her.

“Poor poor Rae” said Izzy. She thought she was going to cry.

“That’s fucking it. I’m going to talk to that complete bell-end and give him a piece of my mind” and with that Chop marched into the snug.

********************************************************************************************************

Rae was crying softly leaning against Archie’s car. She was only wearing her checked shirt with a t-shirt underneath and leggings with a black skirt. She was shivering.

“Rae. Rae. I am so sorry. I really didn’t know about Olivia”

“That’s not just it, is it Arch? You knew Finn was going to be here didn’t you?”

“Rae I….” “Look I am sorry I didnt’ tell you but when we were little” Archie swallowed. “Finn’s mum just upped and left on Christmas Eve”

“Yeah, yeah Gary told me all about it. And now the stupid twat’s gone and pulled the silent act again.”

“Rae!” said Archie in a shocked tone. Fuck Archie this is not going well. Archie was desperately thinking about what to say next.

“Rae sweetheart, you know how you’ve been there for me through thick and thin. You helped me so much about you know, ….coming out. And I, I just wanted to support Finn like that. He’s my best mate Rae. We’ve been mates ever since - as long as I can remember.

And when Gary called me to tell me how Finn has been, I just knew he had to be in a terrible place Rae and his only way of expressing…”

“Whatever - Archie. He didn’t seem to be too unhappy in there did he? Perhaps it’s some new pulling technique”

Archie was so furious with both of them he started really shouting “When his mum left. He didn’t speak for months. Months Rae. It’s his way of telling us he’s broken inside”

Rae was already sobbing. “I love him Archie. He won’t talk to me, won’t answer my calls, tells me all about the girls he’s pulled in Leeds and now I find him with Olivia. What I am supposed to do? It’s clear he doesn’t want me”.

Archie put his arms around Rae. Her reaction did not surprise him, he kind of expected it. He still had no idea what Olivia was doing there but that was not his top priority right now. Rae was.

“Rae it’s seriously cold out here and my nuts will be so small they might just shrivel up completely if we stay out here so can we please go in”. Archie wasn’t sure about this attempt at humour.

“Ok then Arch. Just so you understand I’m only comin’ in to save your manhood from exposure.  I just want to go home though”

“I know Rae, I know. But right now it’s a bit late to go back home. If you still feel that way tomorrow I’ll drive you back but let’s have something to eat, go to the village pub for a few beers and have some sleep tonight”

Rae didn’t want to give in because she was hurt and confused but she was also tired, cold and hungry and a beer sounded quite good. “Alright then” and she gave him a half smile.

********************************************************************************************************

Finn had woken up confused and dazed. He had found himself asleep on Olivia but he’d been dreaming of Rae and then Rae had walked into the room. She’d shouted and was angry.

And now he was angry with himself. It had happened again. His words had failed him at the time he needed them most. There was a large commotion outside the snug and he could hear raised voices in the hall. As he got up Chop came storming in.

“Finn. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you but what the FUCK is she doing here? I thought you was better than this  but it looks like you’ve been thinking with your dick again and not using that walnut in your head?”

“I mean how dare you, how could you do this to Raemundo? She’s really upset with you, refusing to talk to her, not returning her calls and all. What is she doing here for fucks sake? Finn mate this is just not on.”

“She’s got a name you know” began Olivia “ I am here Chop.”

“But what are you doing here love? Come to get Finn back into your…. your“

“This is ridiculous” shouted Olivia. She was on the verge of tears now. Finn was standing there and staring at Chop and she was being made out as some awful person who was only desperate for one thing.

Finn was feeling like the room was closing in on him things were just getting worse and he didn’t know what to do. Somehow the sheer despair helped him force some sound out “Rae” he  said softly the tears starting to form “Rae” and with this he broke down in sobs.

Something clicked in Chop’s brain. He walked over to Finn and put his arm around him. “It’s alright mate, it’s all right”. Chop ended up hugging Finn and patting his back “Come on ya div. It’s going to be all right. It’ll get sorted somehow lad you’ll see,” They stood there for some minutes and when Finn had calmed down he gave Chop a sad smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Chop said “It’s ok Finn but you’ve gotta find that voice o’ yours again lad” and ruffled his hair.

They both looked round and noticed that Olivia had left the room.

****************************************************************************************************

Olivia walked into the kitchen where she sat crying. Izzy sat down next to her.

“It’s alright Olivia. I’m sorry Chop shouted, it’s just that he’s pretty pissed off with Finn right now and well………………..”

“It’s ok Izzy. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have come. I really don’t know what I was thinking”.

“Don’t cry, please, it makes me feel sad”. Izzy gave her squashed smile.

“Oh Izzy, you’re always so nice. But you know I shouldn’t be here. I only came because Neil - Finn’s Uncle called me and asked me to come and I was worried about Finn and “ she sighed.

“Oh Liv I am sure Finn’s pleased you’re here and at least you’re trying to help”

“Izzy, I don’t’ think my motives in coming here were that straightforward” and she began to cry into her sleeve “I’m 24 for gods sake”

“Well you are a bit older than him but you know Finn’s different somehow. He gets under people’s skin doesn’t he?”

Olivia nodded. “I really liked him though Izz and he’s just so cute”

Izzy half nodded- she’d never really thought of Finn as cute. She knew he was good looking and lots of girls liked him but she really couldn’t’ think of him like that. He’d always been like a brother to her - a great friend but neither saw anymore in each other.

“I loved going out with him, he was so kind and polite but you know, but it was never about me was it? “ Izzy looked confused so Olivia continued “I think he liked someone else, all along.”

“Do you remember the time we were in the pub and Rae was there and she left to go to some pigeon thing?” Izzy nodded “well though he was being kind and polite and friendly after that, it was clear who his mind was on. I know that’s why he finished with me”.

“But they’re not together Olivia.”

“I know Izz but I know he wants to be with her, probably more than he’ll admit to himself”.

Izzy smiled “ I hope you’re right”

“Look, I should get going to the B&B I don’t want to make anything any worse. This is just another typical mistake I make.  I should be at some boring dinner party being sensible and acting my age”.

“Please stay for a bit at least” Izzy was surprised at her own words at this point. “Chop’s trying to organize some party for tomorrow night and it’d been really nice if you could come. I know Malc and Dave would love to see you”.

“Malc and Dave are here?” Olivia smiled and rolled her eyes “Oh well I’ll think about it”

*******************************************************************************************************

Finn had gone up to “his room” where he’d sat on the bed with Meg at his side. Gary had gone up and sat with him for a while. He talked to Finn about his friends and how they were probably all tired from the journey and how things can just get a bit fraught when people are tired but things would probably be right again in the morning.

Jenny had sorted out the complicated sleeping arrangements - Rae and Izzy were to sleep in Hannah’s room and Hannah was to sleep in with Lucy. Gary was still in the spare room. Chop, Archie, Malc and Dave were all to sleep in the large room on the far side of the TV room. It had very high ceilings as it had once been a barn attached to the old farmhouse. Jenny and Steven had always talked of sorting out it properly to become a drawing room  or smart entertaining space. But time and money had meant their plans had never come to fruition. The room was heated but not that well insulated. It had rugs on the floor and some tatty sofas, sports kit was piled up in the corners and there was a piano along the back wall.  Chop and Archie were to sleep on the sofas and Dave and Malc had to share an inflatable mattress on the floor.

Jenny and Sarah prepared supper for 16. It was at times like these Jenny was thankful she had a well stocked chest freezer and an oven as well as the Aga. Rae didn’t want to come down and eat as she didn’t want to see Olivia again. But Izzy persuaded her to come down and promised she’d keep Olivia away from her. Finn wouldn’t go down at eat. Gary took a plate of food up to him but he refused that too.

After supper John and Mike suggested that they should all go down to the Nine Bells for a beer. Rae didn’t want to go because of Olivia but as Archie pointed out there were 11 of them going and there were bound to be plenty of other people in there. What did it for Rae though was the thought that at least if Olivia was with them she could not be with Finn on her own. In the end everyone had quite a good night because of high spirits of the farming boys who started some silly drinking games. Chop, of course, had to join in and Dave and Malc couldn’t’ resist showing off in front of Olivia.

Mike was the instigator of a lot of the fun while John sat back and watched. John and Archie got talking and discovered that they were both really interested in history. By the end of the night Chop had invited half the village to his party as he had managed to persuade one of the farmer’s wives into letting them have the keys to the village hall.  Malc and Dave walked Olivia back to her B&B and everyone got home somehow. Rae had staggered back between John and Archie. John had come to realise that Rae was really quite a special person. She had an effect on those around her that she simply didn’t realise.

Rae had started to relax towards the end of the evening and her smile had lit up all those around her. Izzy went straight to bed when she got in. Chop had wanted to join her but he was respectful of the house rules and besides he needed a good night’s sleep before tomorrow’s party. John and Archie had walked Rae up to Hannah’s room and made sure she got into bed as she was stumbling as she’d drunk so much. As Archie shut the door, he and John had shared a look. For a moment John had felt like he and Archie were parents putting a child to bed or something like that. They’d then said an awkward goodnight.

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Finn got up at 6 before anyone else was up. He wanted out of the house before anyone woke up. He’d taken Meg on a long walk. His mind was swimming with thoughts and he just couldn’t’ face anyone.

Steven, John and Mike were next up and straight off out to feed the sheep. Jenny came downstairs and started on breakfast preparations as she knew her boys liked to eat about 9 after all the animals had been fed. Gary and Sarah joined her.

Gary sighed “This isn’t going as I’d hoped. I just hope Finn’ll pull himself out of it”

“I think he just needs more time. Perhaps it was too much asking all his friends round” said Sarah.

“This thing with Olivia and Rae - do you know what’s going on there” asked Jenny?

Gary didn’t know and shook his head. He went off to see if Finn was awake - he should probably talk to the boy and see if he should just send all his friends home, after all he’d invited a lot of extra people to stay with Jenny and Steven and he felt a bit guilty. He found the empty room and wondered if perhaps Finn was off with John and Mike feeding the sheep like he’d been doing on the other mornings.

Everyone else soon appeared more or less awake, there were a few bleary eyes around the table and Jenny’s tea was really welcome.

“Right boys and girls - we’ve got a party to organize”

“Chop. Really? Is that all you think about” said Archie shaking his head.

At that moment Steven, John and Mike materialised.

“Finn not with you?” asked Jenny

“Not seen him all morning, Meg neither” said Mike.

Rae stared at the table. Finn was probably cross with her for being there. He obviously was avoiding her now. “Look I should go home, it’s my fault”.

“Rae no” said  Izzy and out her arm around her. “Izz - he can’t even stand the sight of me. I’ll ask Gary to drive me to the station and I’ll get a train back”.

“Raemundo, you’re not going anywhere - Chlo’s coming today and besides it’s New Year’s Eve tonight and who’s going to sort out the tunes?” said Chop. He didn’t like how this was going.

Rae gave Chop a half smile and shook her head.

Archie had had enough by this point “Right. I’m not having anymore of this. Do either of you have any idea where Finn is.” he said asking John and Mike.

Mike shook his head but John said “I’ll show you where he normally goes” and the two headed out. They walked together for more than a mile in comfortable silence and John pointed Archie towards the path that lead round the back of the old yard and up onto the Moors. “Look Archie it’s bitterly cold, you might be better just waiting for him. Finn’ll be back when he’s hungry or tired”.

John wasn’t sure where this concern had come from. Archie shook his head “Someone needs to get it through that thick skull of his. He can’t just carry on like this”. He took a deep breath and looked down. John could see he was visibly upset and surprised himself by putting a hand on Archie’s arm. “Just don’t stay out too long and for God’s sake don’t get lost”.

Luckily Archie hadn’t had to walk too far before he saw Finn coming the other way. When Finn saw Archie he looked at the ground.  “Finn look at me for God’s sake”.

Finn looked up at Archie through his lashes like a small child who knows they’re about to get told off. “You know we’ve all been worried about you don’t you?”

Finn stared ahead, he didn’t want Archie to lecture him when he felt like this. “Finn, come on please talk to me. I know you’re hurt. I know you miss your mum and your nan. I know things can’t be easy but Finn you’ve got to let us in. You know you do”. Archie put his arm around Finn and the two walked back to the old yard when Finn motioned them to stop and they sat down on a straw bale in the open fronted barn.

“Archie I’ve fucked it all up. I’ve fucked it all up”. The tears started to come and Archie put his arms around him.

Archie was slightly relieved Finn had spoken. He’d not said much but it was a start so he chose his words carefully. “I know you’re hurt. I am sure things can be sorted out Finn. They can”

“She hates me Arch, hates me and being near her is too painful”. The two sat there in silence for a while. Archie tried to talk Finn into coming into the house and talking to Rae but he’d shook his head. “At least come back to the house and have some breakfast and a cup of tea. It’s freezing out here”.

Finn nodded. He was cold and hungry.

********************************************************************************************************

Chop had gone into party organisation mode and was ordering everybody to do little jobs for him. Malc and Dave had gone to the village to get Olivia and to check out the village hall.

Rae was at at the kitchen table untangling some old fairy lights when Archie and Finn walked in.

When Finn saw Rae, he thought he was going to be sick. Sick with guilt, with nerves with fear and ran out of the room towards the toilet.

Rae felt that familiar churn in her stomach. So that was it. He couldn’t stand her to the point of him running out of room and by the sounds of it she made him physically sick. This had to end.

“I want to go home Archie. Now.”

“Rae. Please. Please just let him be a minute. I know he wants to talk to you.”

“No Archie this is pointless. I’m packing my bags and you can drive me to the station.”

“It’s New Year’s Eve Rae. I don’t know if the trains will be running. Besides it’s starting to snow. Please think about this, Rae”.

“No Arch.” She shook her head. “I’m making it all worse and I am going upstairs to pack my bag”. and she walked out of the room.

Chop came in with Mike. “I hope you managed to talk sense into that git”

Archie shook his head. “Sorry Chop, there’s nothing I can do, Rae’s packing her bags and wants to go home. I’m going to drive her to station.”

“Come on Arch, can’t you use some of that famous charm on her? Those idiots just need to talk.”

Archie shook his head. “Chop, I’ve tried, believe me I’ve really tried but they are both as stubborn as each other. If I only I could get them to stay in the same place long enough to talk without any interruptions”.

A little smile crossed Mike’s face. As Archie left the room he looked at Chop “I’ve got an idea but you can’t tell the others, I‘m going to need your help”.

**************************************************************************************************

Chop knocked on Hannah’s door “Raemundo, Archer tells me you want to go home. Can’t you just stay the one night more? It’s New Year’s Eve. come on it’s going to be fun”.

Rae shook her head.

Chop gave her his best puppy eyes “Come on Rae for Uncle Chop”. He said trying to give her his best cheeky grin.

“Sorry Chop I can’t. He hates me and I can’t bear it.”

“Alright then Rae. I’ll take you to the station myself in Malc’s car”.

Rae was surprised that Chop had given in so easily but she didn’t have the energy to do anything other than be relieved. Chop packed her bag into the car and drove off towards the village but instead of turning left, they turned right.

“Errrr Chopper, I know your sense of direction is really shit but even you should know the station is that way.”

“I know Raemundo, but I just want to talk to you, proper like. Away from the house and the rest of the gang and if you still want to go home, I promise I’ll drive you to the station”.

“Chop I don’t want to talk.” She just wanted out of there.

“I know you don’t but please. I’ve found a nice warm place we can have a cup of tea and talk”.

Chop parked the car on the track behind the old yard’s big barn and motioned for Rae to come into the cottage where Jenny and Steven had lived all those years ago. He put the kettle on and asked Rae to make the tea.

**************************************************************************************************

Mike had asked Finn to help him move some sacks of feed in the top yard. “Look Finn, I’m parched after last night, make us a cup of tea will ya?”

Finn headed into the kitchen at the back of the house. Hang on wasn’t that Chop rushing past him? As he turned around to see what was happening the door was slammed and the key turned in the lock.

In front of him, with an equally confused look on her face was Rae.

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“R R Rae” Finn stuttered.

“It’s alright Finn, I’m going to go”. Rae grabbed the door handle and turned it and pushed it and tried to open the door. When she couldn’t open it she ran around the house looking for another door another means of getting out. She returned to the door and banged on “Chop you get the fuck back here now and let me the fuck out. Now”

She waited and shouted again for “Chop” but all she could hear was a door slamming and a car driving off. “No, no no.” she started to cry and sat on a tatty old chair, tears falling.

Finn didn’t know what to do or where to start. But he wanted to talk to her, if only he could find some words. He remembered that time she’d come to him after the fight with her mother. He went to the kitchen and finished making the tea. He carried a steaming mug of tea over to her.

“R R Rae. Tea.” She carried on crying. “Y You know what they say Rae. Tea makes everything alright, ya know it does”.

She looked up at his pained face and saw his earnest expression and those freckles and her heart melted a little especially as his nose scrunched a touch as her eye met his.

“Thanks Finn. Found ya voice have ya?”

“Y Yeah” he said. “I,I I “ He was stuttering so much now. How was he going to say anything, how was going to tell her all the things he needed to say, wanted to say and try to fix all the things he’d broken by not talking to her.

“Finn. I know ya don’t want to be here with me, I know ya don’t like me but for some reason I’m still worried about ya”.

Finn’s head was in his hands. It was now or never. He had to do this. He bit the inside of his lip then took a deep breath.

“No that’s not it Rae. I, I …I want ya to be here, I want to talk to ya. I really want to talk to ya you know. I’ve been thinking about ya and what I was going to say to ya but I just don’t know where to start. It’s all been so shit Rae, really shit and it’s all my own stupid fault”.

She looked at him and motioned for him to sit down in the chair next to hers concern written deeply all over her face.

“Well I’m not sure that tea makes everything alright Finn but I think it might just make things seem a little better. Here drink this” She handed him her cup of tea. She didn’t want him to move as it might just break the spell and his words might stop.

“Rae I’ve got one in the kitchen.”

“Finn have mine - I want ya to. Come-on drink up and then you can tell me about all this stuff I’ve been hearing from ya dad and Archie”. She smiled at him.

********************************************************************************************************

It was snowing by the time Chop and Mike got back to the house.

“Don’t say a word” said Mike and Chop tapped his nose with his finger.

They walked into the kitchen. “You taken Rae to the station then Chop?” Archie sounded defeated.

“I did mate, but erm……….she changed her mind. She’s at the village hall decorating.”

“Er isn’t Olivia at the village hall?”

Shit Chop, think, think… “Er I think she and Rae are you know sort of ok now?”

“Really?” said Archie. This was a bit of a surprise but who was he to question the inner workings of the female psyche.

“Come-on Arch we need to get the decks sorted out. Can you start on the food here with Izzy we’ll be back at 6 for supper?” said Chop.

Over the next couple of hours the winds rose up and the snow was falling quickly. It was getting dark.

********************************************************************************************************

“It was horrible in Leeds, really horrible. I miss me nan Rae, I really miss her.”

“Oh Finn. I know ya do, I know”.

“Thing is Rae, me mum left on Christmas Eve and and” his voice trailed off. He swallowed and dug his fingers of his right hand into the palm of his left…. “well it sounds pathetic”

“Finn it’s not pathetic, come on tell me”. Rae tried to sound soothing. She remembered that night with the supposed exclusive sleepover for one and how hard he’d found it to talk about his mum then.

“Well I dread Christmas. I just remember how I felt. It was dark and cold and I remember looking out of the window every single night waiting for her to come back”. Tears were falling now. “Every day I looked into the darkness with that yellow glow from the streetlamps, seeing everyone else’s Christmas lights switched on and twinkling. And every day I waited and I waited but … but she didn’t come”. He wiped his eye and bit the inside of his lip took another deep breath and started again.

“That, that first year I trashed the Christmas tree and me dad packed all the Christmas stuff away a couple of days after Christmas. And me nan came every year for Christmas after that. Somehow she made it alright. She was always talking about stuff. Bit like you really Rae”. He looked up and gave her a small smile.

“I loved me nan. I loved talking to her. She always saw the good in people Rae. She always knew what to say and sometimes, sometimes when I was really sad she would give me a hug and sing to me.”

Rae smiled at him and held his hand as he talked.

**************************************************************************************************

Steve drove down to the village hall to collect various people. It was snowing very heavily.

“Come on you lot. It’s blowing a gale and snowing like no tomorrow right now. Thought I‘d better come and get you lot for supper rather than leaving you all to walk it.”

As Olivia, Malc, Dave, Izzy and Chop got in, Steve was thankful he had the Landrover. It made getting around much easier in this weather.

By the time that they had got back, Chlo and James had arrived. James was telling Jenny that he thought they were never going to make it to the farm as the snow was drifting so badly across the moor that  they thought they were going to have to turn for home.

Archie who had stayed behind making food had gone to take a good hot bath. Izzy and Chlo went to get ready and fill each other in on the last 24 hours - they always chatted like they hadn’t seen each other in weeks thought James.

James, Chop, Malc and Dave went to get changed into their party gear. John and Mike were mucking around as usual. Hannah couldn’t find her favorite dress and Lucy had let the dogs in. They were all there apart from Meg. Lucy thought that was a bit odd but she was desperate for Olivia to do her make up and thought nothing more of it.

Jenny had made a vat of her infamous hot rum punch and had started serving glasses to whoever came into the kitchen. It was New Year’s Eve after all. There seemed to be people everywhere, as there were only two bathrooms in the house everybody seemed to be rushing around and searching for lost items of clothing and other paraphernalia.

********************************************************************************************************

Rae had listened to Finn for sometime. They’d had another 2 cups of tea. It was getting cold so Finn had plugged in an electric heater.

Finn realised he’d been talking a lot about himself. “So how ya been Rae” He hadn’t wanted to break the magic spell of the quiet talk of the past but he really needed to know how she was.

“You know - fine”

“Rae I’m really sorry. Really sorry, sorry for well, everything I suppose”

“Well ya have a lot to be sorry for. Not returnin’ my calls and that”. The doubt was creeping back into Rae. She’d loved hearing about Finn’s nan - she’d missed his voice and she understood he’d been very upset and which explained some of his behaviour. But her mind turned to the phone call, THAT call.

“That time ya called me from Leeds” her voice almost trailed into silence.

“God Rae I am sorry, it was just, just ,I was .Well I didn’t know what ta say. I didn’t want ta drag you into my shit” He ruffled a hand through his hair.

“Yeah well I thought we were supposed to be friends”. She couldn’t hide the hurt in her voice.

Shit this was not going how he wanted it to.He had to show her how he felt. “That’s the thing Rae, it was hard being your friend, really really hard”.

“What. Hard being my friend because what? Because I’m mental? Hard being my friend because you’d rather be spending time with other people?”

“No Rae, no”. Shit Finn say something.

“I meant because you know, we, we”… Fuck his words were failing him again.

“We what Finn? We what! “ She was getting cross now. Was he telling her he was too  embarrassed to be her friend?

“We were going out Rae.” He hoped she would understand that his feelings had not moved on. That he still cared about her, that he

“Yeah well I’m sorry Finn embarrassed were ya? Realised you’d made a mistake did ya?”

“Jesus Rae no. The thing is Rae, about all those girls in Leeds…”

Rae remembered the call “Save it Finn, I can guess. You’re going to tell me that they weren’t frigid aren’t ya? You’re going to tell me Olivia wasn’t frigid aren’t ya?”

Finn put his head in his hands “NO Rae, Olivia was just” he was trying to find those words, the ones he needed and wanted to say most when she started shouting at him.

“Finn. Go and talk to her. I get it Finn, I really do”

“What d’ya get Rae, what!” he was shouting now. How could she not understand?

“Olivia and all those girls in Leeds, they’ve got what you want, thin pretty girls. I fucking get it Finn. Thin pretty girly girls who are only too happy to fall at your feet and give you whatever you want Finn. Well go on and get Olivia back, I’m not stopping you. Cos you know Finn I would never stop you and”

“You’re doing it again Rae. You can’t tell me what to think, who I can and can’t like that’s mine.”

Rae couldn’t stop herself  “I’ve heard your shit all before Finn. Don’t lie to me, don’t lie to yourself, you want someone who’s thin and pretty and someone who’s not FRIGID - don’t’ ya?”. Her head was spinning she was so angry.

“Fuck off, just fuck off, ya just can’t listen to me can ya??

“Always tellin’ me what to think , always puttin’’ yaself down” He wasn’t sure where all this was coming from - Shit Finn. Shit you really shouldn’t have said that. Why the fuck can’t you just tell her you love her.

Rae was so upset she had to get out of there away from him. She rattled and kicked at the door. She tried to open the window but it was completely shut. So she tried the door again when it wouldn’t budge out of sheer desperation she picked up a wooden chair and hit it against the window. Finn tried to pull her back but she’d managed to break the glass.

“Rae no, Rae”. She pushed him backwards and while he was getting back to his feet, she climbed onto the chair and out of the window. It was dark outside and the snow was swirling in gusts and she stumbled but kept on going. She had to get back to the farm, to get home to get away from him.

**************************************************************************************************

Jenny and Sarah were rounding everyone up to get to supper. It took a good 20 minutes to get the merry gang together. Jenny thought she’d put too much rum in the punch.

“Mike you seen Finn” asked Gary as Mike walked into the room.

“Er, think he’s just finishing up the old yard. I’m sure he’ll be back any minute.”

“Oh Mike, why did you not bring him back with you it’s dark up there - will be able to find his way back?” said Steven.

Mike had to think quickly, he didn’t’ like lying but he thought he’d go and get them after supper and then it would be party time “Well he was a bit upset and you know he likes to keep working when he’s upset”.

“Have you seen the snow out there Mike? If he’s not back by 8, I’ll take the Landy and get him” said Steven.

Archie cornered Chop “Where’s Rae Chop? Did she not come back from the village hall with you?”

“Er well, she was tired and needed some peace so I er suggested she go for a lie down in Gary’s room”. Archie thought this was a bit weird and was about to say something when they heard shouting from upstairs - Hannah and Lucy were fighting over the last pair of black tights without holes in them.

********************************************************************************************************

Finn was horrified. How had it come to this. How could she hate him that much that she needed to smash a window and get away from him. He was terrified for her out in the snow and the dark but he was in shock, he couldn’t’ move. Shit Finn. She doesn’t know where she is. Finn for fuck’s sake pull yaself together. Finn literally flung himself out of the window.

The snow blew into his eyes and the wind stung against his face. “Rae, Rae, Rae”

“Rae,where are ya.Rae” He was trying to run through the snow. She can’t be that far ahead? Where was she?

Rae had made it out of the yard and behind the barn. She thought the way back to the house was by the road as that was the way Chop had brought her. But snow drifts were starting to form and she didn’t know which way to go. She was really cold and her arm hurt but she kept moving.

Finn had started heading towards the house when he realised there were no footprints. He turned back and suddenly heard barking. Meg of course Meg! He could barely see anything but he followed Meg as fast as he could. He may have been very fit and strong but even he couldn’t’ run in this snow.

Rae collapsed in a heap. She was lost, she knew she hadn’t got very far but she was so cold. She’d left her coat in Chop’s car. Her breath was coming more and more rapidly and the cold was biting into her skin, her heart was racing, she was feeling dizzy. She was starting to feel faint and closed her eyes. She could hear a dog barking but that didn’t’ matter anymore. Nothing  mattered anymore. It was all shit.

Finn was relieved when he saw a figure in the snow. As he got closer he realised something was really wrong, something worse than just being cold and wet in the snow, her whole body was almost shaking with short rapid breaths.

All Rae felt was the strong arms around her and the breath in her ear. “Rae, Rae, you got to slow ya breathing. Rae, please Rae”. Finn was getting worried now. This couldn’t be good for her. He took his coat off and out it round her and pulled her to him so her head was held tightly against his chest. He started stroking her hair. All Rae could hear was the thud thud thud of Finn’s heart beating fast and all she could feel was the warmth of his chest and a slight tremor in him. She felt safe and nestled her head right so she was shielded somewhat the snow. She could feel a second warmth against her back and supposed that must be the dog.

As soon as Finn saw her breathing slow, he knew they had to get out of there. He got her up slowly and held her tight against him “Rae we’ve gotta get back inside. “

She heard the tone in his voice and nodded. They walked shivering back to the old cottage with Meg walking alongside.

Finn looked at the window. There was jagged glass all around the edge - he knew he couldn’t get himself in easily and he didn’t want to hurt her. So he kicked the door hard several times  to try to break it open. Then he remembered there was an old iron boot scraper near the dort. He kicked his feet around until he found it. He used it to break the lock on the door and got them inside.

Something wasn’t quite right inside. The lights didn’t work. And the heater wasn’t on. Shit there’d been a power cut.

******************************************************************************************************

The lights went out in the farmhouse. Jenny bustled around and looked for some candles and John and Mike went to light a fire in the TV room.

Steven was worried about Finn and went outside. The wind was blowing viciously and the snow was swirling.

He called Mike, John and Gary over. “I’m really not happy about Finn being out there I think we need ta get him now.”

John looked outside “Dad.” he said softly “You’ve been outside haven’t you”. John looked at his father. Steven knew what John was trying to say “I’ve been out in worse son. We’re just going to have to try the plough on the front of the tractor”

Gary was pale. He was worried about Finn “Steven he’s outside in this please”.

Mike realised he should own up, not least because his father really shouldn’t be going out like this - it was so dangerous.

“I don’t think Finn’s outside. Actually I know he’s not outside”

“Mike, what do you mean?” “Mike” Steven shouted.

Suddenly the house was silent. Everyone was listening in.

“He’s in the old cottage. He’ll be ok. I know t’powers off an all but there’s gas heaters and candles out there”.

“But he might have started walking back since then. I thought he was supposed to be back for supper” said Gary.

“He’s definitely in the house” said Mike in a small voice. He’d done it this time hadn’t he.

“Mike how the bloody hell do you know he’s definitely in the house?” His father rarely swore and he knew he was seriously angry.

“I, well I”… “SPIT it out lad” his father shouted

“I sorted of locked him and Rae in there earlier” Mike looked at the floor.

“You did what?” said Jenny “Mike do you have any idea”?

“What’s Rae doing in there” Archie said as he jumped up.

Chop realised he had to man up. “Well we, I mean Mike and I sort of thought they might actually talk to each other if they were forced to”. He hung his head. Izzy glared at him.

“Jesus Christ” said Steven “I must go and get them”.

Jenny held her husband’s arm. “Steven, I really think we should give it an hour to see if it settles. Finn’s a sensible boy - you’ve seen him working. There are a few old blankets in there and the gas fire. They should be alright for now. I’ve lived around here nearly as long as you and you know you’ll likely not reach them in this wind. The visibility so poor and one slip and you’ll roll that tractor and then where’ll be?”

“Jenny I can’t have this. I can’t”

“If it’s still like this in an hour, you and Mike can go with the tractor and John and I’ll take the other tractor down the village and get mountain rescue out. Phone line’s down. Just give it an hour, you know how quickly the wind can die back”.

********************************************************************************************************

Finn quickly realised they couldn’t’ go back out and get to the farm. He had to get Rae warm  as she was very wet and cold from sitting in the snow and shaking. The wind was blowing through the door so he put a chair against it to keep it shut. He cast around in the kitchen and found some candles in a drawer. He remembered they were there from a couple of days back as he had found them looking for some matches. He lit a couple of candles and balanced them in some mugs.

He needed something to block up the broken window when he realised there were blankets and a gas heater in the back room. He took Rae through to the back room and lit the gas heater.

“Rae I’ve gotta shut the door to keep the wind out”. He placed a chair against the door.

She was shaking violently now - he knew the wet clothes weren’t helping. “Rae you’ve gotta take those wet clothes off.” She shook her head.

“Rae this is really important. You need to take those wet clothes or you’re going to be really ill and I can’t have that. I can’t allow that.”

She shook her head. “Rae I’m begging you to take those wet clothes off. Please Rae. Why won’t you?”

“Finn. I can’t I just can’t. Least not with you here” . Her voice was very quiet.

“Fine. I’ll wait out there then Rae”

“Finn you can’t it’s freezing” and she began to cry.

“Finn, I’m no Olivia. I can’t”. She was crying now.

“Rae, I know you’re not Olivia and I am fucking grateful you’re not. You’re you.” He took a deep breath, “You are the most amazing funny and beautiful person I’ve ever met. I adore you with all my being and I’ve never stopped thinking about you. Never. All that time in Leeds all I wanted was to hear you voice, to see you. I know I fucked up big style Rae, Big style on that call. I missed you like crazy, nothing I did made it any better Rae. I drunk shit loads, I worked until I could barely stand up. I tried looking at other girls but nothing made me feel any better. I need you Rae I really need you in ma life. I totally ballsed up by going to Leeds, by not talking , by everything I said but I need ya to know I love ya and if you don’t get out of those wet clothes” his voice cracked.

He was looking at the floor utterly disconsolate when he noticed a movement out of the corner of his eye. Rae had taken his coat off and her jumper off and was trying to his shirt off.

Shit Finn. He was trying not look.

“owwwwwwwwww” suddenly he looked over with concern he looked at her arm and then the floor. “Shit Rae, your arm”. She’d gone pale blood had soaked through her shirt.

“Rae I need you to take that  shirt off so I can take a look at it. Quickly mind ‘cos I need you get you wrapped up ‘gainst the cold”.

Rae took the shirt off and blood was dripping down her arm and it really hurt. How had she not felt that before?. She looked up to see Finn literally ripping his own shirt off. She was so distracted looking at him that she forgot about her arm until she felt his strong hands wrapping the shirt around her arm. Had she had her mouth open?

“Think that’s gonna need stitches but that should help stop it for now” he said tying the shirt on tight.

“Rae you’re going to have to get under a blanket”. Finn was sorting out a nest for Rae on the floor,he’d taken the cushions off a couple of old arm chairs and laid one of the blankets on the floor.

Rae started to sit down. She looked at Finn and realised he was shaking with the cold. “Finn ya going to have to take those wet trousers off”.

Finn wasn’t sure “Look Rae I’m fine” . For some reason he was feeling a bit nervous now. Finn Nelson nervous about taking his clothes off in front of  girl. He bit the inside of his cheek.

“Finn” she raised an eyebrow. He couldn’t cope with that look. He swallowed . He took his boots off and pulled the sodden jeans down.

He lay next to her and pulled the blankets over them.

“Finn you’re really shaking. Come a bit closer I won’t bite”. Rae wasn’t sure where this new found confidence had come from.

She shuffled back towards him so they were practically spooning. She could feel his warmth.

Shit Finn. Jesus Fucking Christ she was so close to him and only in her panties and vest.

“Finn I’m really cold. Please could ya just”

He didn’t need to be asked twice and wriggled right next to her and put his arm around her waist. He had his head on a cushion and could smell her hair.

They lay in silence in front of the gas heater whilst the candle was burning down. Finn had just about stopped shaking and wriggled and opened his eyes again. Fuck. Oh Fuck. The view.

From where he was lying he could see right down Rae’s vest top and then he realised his arm was no longer around her waist but in front of her chest and he could feel her nipples grazing his arm…. shit not again Finn. HIs body  had a mind of its fucking own today.  Even when he was this cold, this girl…

“Finn”

“Yeah sorry Rae. I’ll move me arm” he said moving his arm away from her chest.

“Ya don’t’ have ta”.

His brain had virtually ground to a halt at this point and he forgot what he was doing as his hand brushed the top of her thighs, hang on that was a bit strange.

She suddenly tensed.

“Rae” “Rae” he faltered.

She started shaking again. He wanted to look but it was too cold. to move the blankets off. He gently traced his fingers over the raised line on her thigh and then felt another and then a third, a fourth and fifth.

“Rae they’re new aren’t they?”

He felt her gently nod her head. “Shit Rae. “ He couldn’t ask why as he knew she would hate it. and just started stroking her hair.

His touch calmed her down. “I’m sorry Finn. I’m sorry. I’ve let everyone down. I just…. well sometimes it seems the only way. The pain takes away from all the bad stuff I’m feeling”.

“What, what were you feeling?” He swallowed thickly.

“I, I was alone and Christmas was shit. Jasmine had been crying, I was tired and then there was the whole Saul thing and then I was missing you. I’m sorry I know you probably don’t’ want to hear that.”

“Who’s Saul”

“Some twat friend of Chlo’s ex Ian.He, well he tried “ She was really tense now. He didn’t want to push her too far when she was fragile.

“Rae you know, you can tell me anything, you know that and I don’t think any worse of ya. I”

She nodded but wasn’t sure he meant it. “I was in a really dark place Finn”

  
  


“Rae I don’t get it”

“Don’t get what Finn? “

“I thought you was happy. I thought you had Graham and had forgotten about me?”

“Yeah well we split up. Didn’t we.”

“I’m sorry Rae but why I thought things were going so well for ya. That’s what Archie said”

“Look Finn you’re not going to like this but” she trailed off. She didn’t want to ruin the moment, ruin the closeness.

“But what Rae…but what?”

“Look Finn you’re not going to want to hear this. I still like ya. I know ya says ya like me but ya wouldn’t if ya saw me without, without me clothes on”.

Finn berated himself - how could he not have have realised she felt like this. He started to think back to all the time in their short relationship before he realised this was not the time to fuck up again.

“Rae, I’m not blind ya know. And I like ya. And “ he blushed but at least she couldn’t see “my body like ya. My body likes your body a lot ya know”

She made a small gasping noise - was he really saying? Nah she must be so cold her brain was fantasizing again. He continued “I’m surprised ya couldn’t feel that earlier?”

Fuck he really meant. Jesus that had been his and a small noise escaped her mouth. “And if  ya carry on making noises like that, its going to happen again.”

She wriggled back towards him “Oh I see”. She turned around and suddenly cold air from the room hit her under the blanket and she realised the heater was no longer on.

“Umm Finn, the heater’s switched itself off.”

“Rae it’s gas it can’t switch off unless it has run out”.

Finn got up and shook the bottle on the back of the heater. Fuck it had run out. It was seriously cold.

“Finn come back here I’m cold” Rae waved her arm at him. He saw her blood had seeped through his shirt. Not badly but enough that he knew he had to get help.

“Rae, please stay calm girl. I need ya to stay here in the blankets. I need to get some help”

“Finn, please don’t’ leave me”. Finn didn’t’ want to go but he knew it was getting colder and colder and that cut needed seeing to.

“Girl I love ya and I’d like nothing more than to stay with ya. But I have to get us some help. Rae it’s really important I get ya some help.”

Rae felt Finn kiss her on the cheek. He put his coat, wet side up on the top of the blankets. He knew Steven had a spare set of overalls up here somewhere, he’d have to put those on over his t-shirt. He pulled his wet jeans back on - they hadn’t really dried at all and dragged the overalls on.

****************************************************************************************************

Steven looked out - the wind was dying down and it had stopped snowing but it was bitterly cold.

“Jenny I’ve got to go - get Mike will you”

Jenny looked outside. “It’s stopped snowing. Has the temperature dropped?”. Steven nodded. If Finn wasn’t inside, well. He bloody hoped he was inside.

“Steven, I think it’s best that I get mountain rescue up here. I mean I’m sure you’ll get through but”. He nodded.

The gang and Olivia were all huddled in the TV room. Steven opened the door and nodded his head at Mike and John who got up. Archie followed them out.

Gary had his head in his hands and Sarah put her arm around him. Chloe was crying and so was Chop. “I never meant this Izz, I fucking hope they’re ok”.

***************************************************************************************************

Finn had never felt this cold. He couldn’t’ feel his feet. He didn’t know where he was going when his numb feet tripped him up and he fell into the snow.

Pain went shooting through his arm. It didn’t seem to be at the right angle. Fuck did he have to get up again?He could just lie here and Rae. Focus Finn, Rae. A warm nose nuzzled him - Meg. Good old Meg.

He dragged himself up and stumbled on. He’d walked this route at least twice a day for the last few days but it seemed to be taking forever. He was really tired and fell to the floor again. He thought he could see the lights of The Swan in the distance.

Ah yes beer and he got up again and tried to walk. He was starting to feel really nauseous. Were those the pub lights? Was that a moving Christmas tree? Christ he’d had too much to drink hadn’t he? He tried to walk again but tripped into the snow landing heavily on his sore arm and it went black.

“Dad, did ya see that?” Mike said pointing.

“Mike you’re tired, you’ve drunk too much of your Mum’s hot rum punch I can’t see anything”

“Well I thought I saw. Well it looked like aMeg”

“Mike really.” The tractor ploughed on and suddenly Steven saw it a crumpled dark heap in the snow.

  
He ran out of the tractor and there in a pair of overalls was an unconscious Finn with Meg standing over him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - this isn’t that light, mentions of non-consensual activity and mental health issues.

Rae found herself on a hospital bed wearing some wretched gown attached to all sorts of monitors. She wasn’t exactly sure how she’d got to hospital but it seemed like the entire village had been involved, along with a rescue team, two ambulances and God knows how many tractors.

She was warming up now slowly. Her arm was sore but they’d stitched the cut from the broken window. She hadn’t wanted the doctor to cut off Finn’s shirt. It was one her favourites, a lovely soft brushed cotton checked shirt. She remembered he’d worn it that time she’d gone to listen to crap reggae in his house and had found Chloe there.

She knew that Finn was also in the hospital but she didn’t know where or how he was. He’d already been taken away in an air ambulance by the time they found her. She had hypothermia but it hadn’t been too bad as she’d been under so many blankets and Finn’s coat and had taken off her wet clothes. The ambulance crew had told her that a young man had been flown to the hospital. They’d also said she’d been incredibly lucky as the temperature had been dropping and she may not have survived the night out there.

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Finn had nearly made it back to the farmhouse and so Steven and Mike hadn’t had to carry him much more than a quarter mile. Steven could see Finn’s arm was bent at a funny angle but he had to move the boy and so he and Mike had struggled back to the farm house. As they got close they’d shouted and James, Archie and Sarah had come out. James and Archie had made their way towards to village where they spotted John’s tractor outside the first house.

Luckily the phone lines weren’t down in the village and Jenny was already speaking to mountain rescue. Upon seeing Archie, she was able to call 999 and from there the air ambulance had been called. The rescue team had carried a semi-conscious Finn into the village from the farmhouse to meet the helicopter having done as much as they could to help him. The helicopter only had room for Finn so Gary would have to follow on separately. Gary had be torn between wanting to immediately follow Finn or wait until they’d found Rae. He felt a huge sense of responsibility towards the feisty girl that had had such an effect on his son not just because he was the reason she was there but because he thought it was probably what Finn would want.

When the team had finally brought Rae back she insisted that the team wait until she’d spoken to Gary before they went to the hospital. The paramedics had told her Finn had been flown to hospital and the hospital would do everything they could but no more than that.

“Gary. It’s all my fault” she cried. “If I hadn’ta broken the window to get out we’d never have got so cold and wet through in the snow. And Finn gave me his coat and his shirt” she broke off showing Gary the bloodstained shirt tied around her arm.

Gary broke into silent sobs at this point.

“He tried to get back to the farmhouse because he was worried about me.” Rae started to cry and the paramedics insisted they couldn’t’ delay any longer as Rae needed to get to hospital.

The realisation of what his son had done was starting to sink into Gary. His son had tried to walk two miles in freezing temperatures through deep snow wearing an old pair of overalls and a t-shirt to try and save his friend. Sarah and Jenny had tried to comfort him best they could but it was the words of a tough yorkshire farmer that gave him the most hope.

Steven had liked having Finn around, he was no trouble (well apart from the women who all fussed around him) and he worked hard. He’d been crushed to find Finn in the snow like that, his stomach had sunk and he’d felt physically ill but he’d carried the boy and said a silent prayer. He’d been amazed Finn had made it so far especially when he was so inadequately dressed. He put a toughened hand on Gary’s shoulder.

He might have been a man of few words but he knew what he needed to say “Finn’s a very tough lad. I’ve never seen a lad work as hard as he does without complaint. That’s not just down ta his physical strength Gary, he’s also tough up here” he said tapping his head.

“I know he’s not been talking but I think he’s been working through things in his head in his own way. But that doesn’t mean he’s not strong. He’s going to need all o’ that strength now Gary to fight through this”.

Gary nodded and Steven drove him and Sarah to the hospital. Jenny had stayed behind to tend to her full house and keep spirits up. Besides in the light of what had happened she felt someone needed to be in control and keep everyone calm.

Chloe and Izzy had been very upset. Izzy was so cross with Chop that she refused to look at him. James had felt worse than useless at comforting Chloe - the only one who seemed to have a calming effect was Archie.

Olivia was horrified that something like this had happened. She felt it was all her fault, that in some way she was responsible - she should never have come. She started to cry, she thought it was pathetic and selfish but it felt like things were crashing down around her. She knew she wouldn’t be able to forgive herself if Finn wasn’t alright (or Rae for that matter). She cursed herself for having come up her, cursed her vanity over Finn. Why could she not act her age and just get on with the dinner party set. It wasn’t that bad.

Malc saw Olivia crying. He was pretty cross with Chop as Chop had gone too far this time. Way too far. Chop was pretty cut up but right now but he could see Olivia needed him more. He was very nervous of approaching Olivia as although they talked and saw each other around sometimes, to tell the truth, he was a bit in awe of her and a bit frightened. She was so glamourous and sophisticated and let’s face it, he was head mechanic in a garage where his brother also worked. He also knew that Olivia was aware that he’d fancied her for years. He’d made a few clumsy attempts to chat her up when they were at college but she’d been older than him and turned him down with that slightly supercilious smile of hers. He’d even tried more recently when she’d broken up with her last boyfriend but that was when she’d made it clear she was interested in Finn. Fuck it. He sat down next to her on the sofa.

“Liv it’s alright. It’s going to be alright”. He said.

“But what if it’s not Malc. This is my fault. I should never have come, should I? I should have been in Stamford at some party and I came up here because Finn’s Uncle asked me. And I know I should just have been coming up here to try and help him but I’m a selfish cow Malc. I couldn’t help but hope he’d still like me. I know it’s silly a 24 year old woman being infatuated with a 17 year old bboy but I couldn’t’ help myself, he’s just so kind and so caring and” …. She started to cry and leaned into Malc’s chest. He’d plucked up courage and put an arm around her.

The whole room had gone quiet listening to Olivia’s confession. They couldn’t help but overhear it. Chloe and Izzy’s eyes had met. Chloe had whispered “Cradle Snatcher” at Izzy who had whispered back “I know you’re upset about Rae. Chlo but that was hard for her. And you of all people should know why she likes Finn so much so please not now.”

Chloe started to cry and James was trying to comfort her.

“Rae’s got to be ok James, she’s got to be. She’s my best friend. She’s done so much for me and she was so brave about Saul and Ian”.  James realised that Chloe was still very fragile and wrapped his arms around her. He was worried too. He liked Rae a lot, and to be honest he’d been a bit disappointed when Graham had left her as they had fun together as a four.

  
  


Izzy had been thinking about what she’d said to Chloe and noticed Chop was sitting silently on a chair head in hands. She might be extremely pissed off with him right now but she also knew Chop would never have done it if he thought any harm would have come to Rae or Finn. She slipped her self onto the arm of the chair and gently started rubbing Chop’s arm and then glanced at her watch.

“It’s past midnight. New Year’s day”. Everyone looked up for a minute and acknowledged the fact but no-one said anything. Hannah and Lucy had gone to bed with hot water bottles made using a kettle on the log burner in the small study/snug room behind the kitchen. Rob their little brother was also in bed. Mike put another log on the fire. “I think I’ll go up now. he turned to John - might kip in with Rob tonight as his rooms over the back and the heat from the burner in the study means it’ll be warmer than yours. I can’t face going into my room.”

John knew his brother inside out, he knew Mike would not be able to sleep in his own room which had Finn’s clothes scattered on the floor. He also knew Mike was embarrassed and wasn’t ready to talk to him yet about his plan. The plan that had caused this mess.

After Mike had left the room, John noticed Archie was staring at the floor.

“Shall we get a cup o’ tea. Kettle in the back study will boil on the woodburner”.

Archie nodded pleased to get away from what felt like a crowd. John and he sat down in the tiny back study with a cup of tea.

“He’s my best mate John. We’ve been mates since we were really little. And Rae, Rae’s my best girly mate - she’s just so accepting, so kind and so cool.”

“They really like each other John but they can’t talk to each other. Why couldn’t they just talk to each other and then this might never have happened. I just, I just couldn’t’ bear it if anything happened to either of them”. His tears started to fall and John did something he never really expected himself to do and pulled Archie into his strong arms. Archie didn’t pull back or question he just allowed the embrace to happen.

***************************************************************************************************

By the time Finn had arrived at the hospital it was New Year’s Day. He was semi-conscious and hypothermic.They’d sedated him on account of the pain he must be in due his horribly fractured arm and warmed him up slowly.

Once stable he’d been taken into surgery to see what could be done to fix his left arm. The doctors surmised that such a pattern of fractures had probably happened in two separate incidents, the first badly breaking the arm. This would have have been extremely painful in itself but somehow Mr Nelson must have got up again because the second incident, which caused the bone to pierce the skin, must have been caused by a fall onto the existing fracture.

The surgeon spent some hours carefully placing the fragments back together and pinning them in place. They thought the arm would have a reasonable chance of healing provided infection didn’t set in.  

************************************************************************************************************

Gary was pacing the hospital corridor waiting for news of Finn. It was 7am before the nurse came to find him , to  tell him his son was stable and the surgery for the complex fracture had concluded. She told him Finn was in recovery and had not yet come round. Despite it being against normal policy, she’d taken Gary through to the recovery room on account of him being so worried and also because it was New Year’s day and she felt it was the right thing to do. She’d also heard the story of the young man who’d walked through the snow in a t-shirt to get help for his friend and had been touched by his bravery.

Finn was very groggy and tearing at the sheets as he started to come round. What Gary hadn’t expected was what came out of Finn’s mouth. He hadn’t heard his son speak more than a word for weeks.

“Rae,  Rae , Rae……………….. Fuck where’s Rae. Fucking hell I need to find Rae, fuck fuck where is that dickhead. …….argh argh Fuck. Jesus bloody fucking Christ Rae, where are ya ya dickhead.”

Gary’s cheeks had gone red and he was looking at the floor when Finn started to shout loudly tearing at his drips and tubes.

“Rae, Rae FUCK. FUCK, FUCK Rae Rae Rae” with that he suddenly sat up in bed. “What the fuck am I doing here where’s Rae?” .

Finn tried to get out of the but was stopped by Gary and a nurse. The monitor was beeping loudly as Finn’s heart rate was so high and a doctor came running in. Gary was holding him by the shoulders but Finn was still shouting “Rae Rae, where the fuck am I?” He was struggling with the sheet and blanket that covered him.

“For goodness sake we need to calm him down now. He’s tachycardic and his breathing rate is far too high ” shouted doctor “or I’m going to have to sedate him”

Gary put his arms round Finn’s shoulders. “Finn it’s ya dad. Please calm down. Rae is fine. She’s in the hospital in Acacia ward. She’s had a few stitches to her arm and mild hypothermia but she’s going to be fine.”

Finn’s breathing slowed down a little. “They found her then?”

“Yes son they found her. You nearly got back to the farmhouse - Steven found you in the snow”, his breath caught in his throat with the emotion of it all.

Finn slumped back to the bed exhausted. His body ached, his left arm hurt horrendously.

“Son I’ll see if I can get Rae to come and see you as soon as I can when she’s up on her feet”.

Finn nodded. Gary was starting to understand what might have been behind Finn’s recent behaviour - he knew it was a mesh of things together but it was clear Rae, or rather the absence of Rae played a key role.

************************************************************************************************************

It was a slow start in the farmhouse. Jenny had got up at 6:30 as always. There was extra work to be done today as the power was still off. It  had been too cold for anyone to sleep in the old barn last night on account of the lack of power so she’d helped move sofa cushions into the TV room where the the fire had been burning all night. She had no idea who’d slept where but she was quite relaxed about it for once. She had always felt she should at least try and make sure the girls slept in one room and the boys in another but that was by the by now.

Mike appeared with Rob after a few minutes. It was clear Mike hadn’t slept well. He offered to go down to the village and speak to their friends whose telephone was working to find out if there was any news from the hospital and all to call the electricity company to see what they were doing to restore the power supply. Jenny had opened the door to the back study and had been somewhat surprised to find John and Archie asleep sitting on the sofa. A small smile came to her face when she realised they both had their ankles and arms crossed and looked rather like mirror images.

John opened his eyes. He was terribly tired. He and Archie had talked until goodness knows when - the last time he’d looked at his watch had been after 3am. It was warm with the woodburner going and neither had wanted to leave so they allowed themselves to doze off there. John quietly got up and woke his sisters - they had a lot of sheep to feed and they were also down his father and Mike by the looks of things.

Archie awoke around 8 with a stiff neck. John had gone. Archie wasn’t sure what he felt about that. They’d chatted for hours about friendships, history, aspirations even. He was desperate for news. But found the house empty. He filled the kettle and put it on the wood burner and put his head around the tv room door.

He raised his eyebrows at the sight of Oliva and Malc asleep on the sofa, she was most definitely in his arms. That probably wasn’t a bad thing he thought. Chop and Izzy were snuggled up next to each other in sleeping bags. James was sat up against a wall in a sleeping bag with Chlo’s  head on his lap. She was still sleeping. Dave was snoring lightly behind the sofa.

“Fancy a cuppa James?” James nodded, gently moved Chloe’s head down and got up. He was freezing.

As they sat down shivering at the kitchen table, Mike burst in through the door.

“I’ve spoken to Gary and Finn’s going to be ok. They’ve pinned his arm back together. He’s still pretty out of it though. Rae’s fine and should be able to leave tomorrow”.

Archie smiled. “ Thank Christ for that”. And he let out a long breath.

*************************************************************************************************************

Gary had had a rather tasteless sandwich in the hospital canteen for lunch. He’d had no sleep whatsoever and really didn’t know what to do with himself. He decided to visit Rae and see if she’d like to see Finn.

“Rae how are you feeling? Any better?”

She nodded her head. “Finn’s been asking after you. If you want I’ll take you to see him - he’s still about out of it with all the pain relief drugs though”.

Rae nodded.

“And I’ve spoken to your mum. She’s quite a lady. She says she’ll come up here and get you tomorrow if you’d like.”

Rae shook her head. “Thought that might be your answer” Gary smiled. “I said I’d take you back with me later this week. Finn’s going to be in for at least another couple of days and I don’t really know what he wants either so I’m not making any plans.. .well other than telling work I’m not coming in for at least another week! They’ll just have ta lump it”

He smiled at Rae and she smiled back.

*************************************************************************************************************

The power had come back on at the farmhouse just before lunch. Chop had called a bit of a crisis talk at the table. He was determined not to get it wrong this time.

“Look I fucked up big time”

“No I think you’ll all find it was my idea” Said Mike “I just talked him into it”.

After a bit of a discussion on how silly the idea had been, Chop wanted to get back to his point.

“Malc, Dave and me are due back at work tomorrow and I expect you are too Olivia. I just wondered what everyone’s plans are… because it doesn’t seem right that our good friends Rae and Finn have had an absolutely shite New Year’s and there was no party on account of my stupid actions”…

“Our stupid actions “ corrected Mike.

“I knows you don’t have to be back to college for another week” Chop continued looking at Archie and the other girls.

“I’ve spoken to Jenny and she’s such a top lady. She’s happy for us all to stay for another week provided we help out a bit and I don’t want to go home with Finny boy in hospital”. Chop paused “And I want to know he’s sorted and alright too. I don’t know what he’s going to be doing as he’s not going to be able to work for a while but I need to know he’s alright in himself.”

Archie nodded.

“So I’m gonna call work and say I can’t go back for another week.  Our boss isn’t going to like it but he knows Malc and I well enough.”

“I think I should go, I mean, I think I’ve kind of outstayed my welcome” said Olivia

“No Liv, it’s fine. It’s allright. Do you need to get back?” asked Malc.

“Well they’re not expecting me for another couple of days because I was meant to be going to a Spa with my sister and I have got rather a lot of holiday to take anyway”.

James knew he should get back as he was missing training but that could wait. It was going to have to. It was nice for once not to have training rule your life.

Dave hated his job, he worked as third chef in a busy pub and was looking for any excuse to chuck it in. He knew he could easily find work elsewhere but had been too lazy to spend time looking around - ah well he’d found his excuse now.

“Right then people, what do we all feel about having a 4th of January Eve party” said Chop.

Archie, Chloe and Izzy all rolled their eyes simultaneously.

  
  


************************************************************************************************************

Sarah had stayed with Rae all day. Rae was very pale and looked exhausted and she’d tried to tell the doctors that she was ready to go home because she was so desperate to see Finn. In the end Sarah had had a quiet word with the doctors and they agreed that Rae could visit Finn provided she came back and stayed the night on the ward to complete the 24 hours of observation.

Rae really wanted to get out of there but agreed as she couldn’t’ face arguing back. That evening Sarah took Rae round to Finn’s ward where Gary was sat by his bedside. Gary had called the farmhouse and let Jenny know that it was best Finn didn’t have any visitors that day as he was on a morphine pump and so was a bit out of it as well as being exhausted. Finn had spent a large part of the day asleep and was still asleep when Sarah wheeled Rae in a chair.

Sarah smiled at Gary and said quietly said in his ear  “Let’s get another cup of tea Gary, leave them be for a while. We’ll come back in half an hour and get Rae back to her ward and you can I can get back and get some sleep tonight.”

Gary nodded weakly. He really didn’t want to leave his son’s side but he knew Finn needed time with Rae and it was probably best he wasn’t there.

Rae sat next to Finn’s bed and watched his beautiful face sleeping. He looked so peaceful but he was deathly pale. She took his hand in hers and started singing very softly, almost inaudibly.  Finn stirred gently and his eyes fluttered open. A smile flitted across his face.

“Rae, Rae” he interlaced his fingers with hers, “Are you alright Rae? I tried to get back I really did, I was really worried about ya. I hope ya wasn’t too scared waiting for help…” he trailed off

A nurse bustled in and came to take Finn’s temperature and observations. She seemed to be taking rather a long time over it and gave Finn a cheeky smile as she left and drew the curtain around the bed.

“Fuck’s sake. They’re always in here, faffing about, it’s driving me up the wall”.

“Finn Nelson. Talk of the ward - the sister told me as we came in - was I going to see man who walked through the snow to get help for his friend. She called you a hero”. Rae rolled her eyes.

Finn tried to sit up fully so he could hug her but it was inordinately hard work. “Come here girl I need to make sure ya’re really ok”.

Rae tentatively got up and stood next to the bed. Finn motioned for her to sit on the side of the bed which she did gently. His fingers wandered up her arm .

“You’re arm’s not too sore is it? They stitch it up ok?”

“It’s fine. What about you - Gary tells me you broke your arm when you fell down.”

“It’s nothing really Rae, I’m fine.”

He reached the fingers of his right hand to stroke her hair. “I was really worried about you Rae, really worried.”

He bit his lip. Had she remembered their last conversation lying in those blankets or perhaps it was just the situation - a one-off.

“R…R…Rae” he stuttered and looked at her through his eyelashes… “Can I , can I kiss you?”

Rae gave him a small smile “Yeah go on” and she held her cheek next to his lips as that was the safe option.

What she hadn’t expected was for him to kiss her cheek and then turn her mouth gently to his. He kissed her on the lips and pulled back to look her in the eyes. When she didn’t pull away he kissed her again. The third time he ran his fingers through her hair.

Finn was brave with the fourth kiss. He placed his top lip between hers and gently sucked on her lower lip. A small gasp of air escaped her mouth and he continued with these kisses gently nibbling and biting. It was Finn’s turn to be surprised, Rae kissed him full on and slipped her tongue in his mouth. Shit that was good.

In doing so she’d leant forward and he couldn’t’ help but notice a generous amount of cleavage spilling from the top of her vest in the gap in her dressing gown Fuck Finn she is really hot even in a hospital gown. One of Rae’s hands accidentally brushed against his thigh as she was steadying herself on the bed. That was enough to turn Finn’s mind and body into a mess. He groaned quite loudly and was somewhat startled when the curtains opened round his bed and Rae leapt backwards”

It was Gary and the nurse again. “You ok son, that arm hurting you badly?”.

Finn was wriggling around in the bed and fiddling with the blankets trying to hide what effect Rae had had on his body from his father and that nurse.

“I think he probably needs some rest” the nurse said to Rae “and I expect you do to”.

Gary took Rae back to her ward for the night and went back to say goodnight to his son.

“Son, we need to talk about things but not until you’re ready. I’m going to head back to the farmhouse and I’ll be back in the morning. Sleep well” and very quietly he added “love you son”

Finn replied “love you to da” and laid back on his bed.

*********************************************************************************************************

Sarah and Gary arrived back exhausted to hotpot cooked by Jenny with red cabbage on the side. It had been a funny sort of day. Nobody had slept well if at all the night before and everyone had wanted to visit Rae and Finn but they knew they needed to wait.

John had run the farm until his father had returned home and made use of James, Malc and Dave to help with jobs. Chop and Archie had helped with cooking and food preparation and Izzy and Chloe had done some laundry. In all everyone had kept busy trying to keep their minds of things. There had been some chatter about the party but there was an unspoken pact that nothing would happen until they were sure Finn and Rae were OK.

As soon as they had eaten Gary and Sarah went to their rooms to sleep as they had been up all night at the hospital. Malc and Dave and Olivia had gone to the pub with Lucy.

Chop and Izzy and James and Chloe were watching TV. To tell the truth the others were all there watching some crap TV show that Chloe liked really to support her as she had really wanted to visit Rae and felt quite unnerved about her being in hospital.

Mike did his best to be dutiful and do whatever he could to make good his stupid idea. He took over John’s nightly checks on the livestock and helped his father.

John and Archie cleared up the kitchen and chatted and chatted about history, farming, why John hadn’t gone to University, where Archie wanted to study etc. Jenny left them to it - she’d always had a hunch about John and she still wasn’t sure she was right but she needed to give him space to find out for himself.

It was eleven pm and John was tired. “Archie I need ta get some sleep if I’m to get up at 6 tomorrow. I’d love to keep talking though”.

“Yeah suppose I’ll get my stuff and play happy families with that lot in there” Archie replied gesturing at the TV room “At least I think the barn will be warm enough to sleep in tonight so we can spread out over the two rooms!”

“Look Archie, if ya don’t mind you can always kip in the top bunk in my room. Mike can sleep in his own room as Finn’s not here and it might be a damn site more comfortable than the barn.”

Archie smiled “Thanks. That’d be great”. None of them had planned on staying the extra few nights and the thought of spending his third night on the floor was not that appealing.

***************************************************************************************************************

Rae woke up early her mind full thoughts. She knew she should be allowed to go home today after the ward round and they meant she could spend more of the day visiting Finn. But she also knew she’d be going back to the farmhouse that evening and Finn had to spend a couple more nights in hospital. Her mind ran back to their kiss. He had been the one asking her to kiss him!  So he clearly wanted the kiss but then she’d been the first one to slip her tongue in - was that too much given the situation? Should she have waited until she was sure what he felt?

She was a bit nervous as to why Finn had been so flustered when Gary and the nurse had come in - was he embarrassed? It was clear to her that half the nurses on Finn’s ward had the hots for him and they were all so pretty. Rae stop it ! He asked to kiss you. He walked through the freezing cold to save you!

After everything the ward round was delayed and Chloe came to visit at 10am as Rael hadn’t been discharged. Chloe had flung her arms around Rae “God Rae I was so worried I really couldn’t bear the thought of anything happening to you”.

Rae had explained what had happened to her and had then moved onto the subject of her and Finn. Well whether there was a her and Finn. She mentioned that he’d said he loved her in the old cottage. Rae mentioned about what Finn had said about his body liking hers and how she was sure she knew what he meant.

Chloe giggled at this.

Then Rae went a bit quiet “Thing is Chlo when I saw him yesterday, it was a bit funny. He kept saying he was worried about me and he did ask to kiss me but”

“What is it Rae? Why you so worried?”

“I’m just not sure whether he really meant it all . He seemed flustered,embarrassed even when his dad and the nurse came in”.

“Oh Rae, you know what boys are like about being seen by their parents, besides he was probably feeling awful. Gary told me he’s on a morphine pump so that arm must hurt really badly and I expect he didn’t want to tell you how rough he feels. Finn the hero” and she rolled her eyes.

Humm thought Chloe, not sure what is going on with Finn. She decided she needed to have a word with him. She had become very protective about Rae particularly after Rae had put herself on the line in the incident with Ian in the alley.

Chloe said goodbye to Rae and said she’d be back in the afternoon and Gary would be taking them home. The rest of the gang were coming by the hospital that afternoon. They were having lunch at a pub in town to give Jenny a break from cooking and to get out of the house.

*********************************************************************************************************

Chloe went to visit Finn. Gary sensed he should leave them alone and said he’d meet Chloe at the front entrance in half an hour and they could then go and join the others for lunch.

After Chloe had asked Finn how he was and they’d chatted a bit about what was going on at the farmhouse, Chloe broached the subject of Rae.

“Finn how are things between you and Rae?”

Finn wasn’t sure what Chloe was getting at. “Good I think”

“Well has anything happened?”

“Yes, No, I mean sort of” Finn blushed “I told her I really liked her you know back in the cottage and we sort of cuddled and bollocks why are we talking about this Chlo?”

“You do like her dont’ you Finn?”

“Yeah” he said blushing.

“Ok then. Finn, there’s something I think you should know, that is if you’re really keen about Rae?”

Finn frowned - where was this going? He didn’t like the sound of it.

“It’s about Saul.”

“Who the fuck is Saul. I’ve heard all about Graham from Arch but Saul?” Finn looked confused.

Chloe then explained about what had happened at the party in Uffington that night. Tears coming to her eyes. She told Finn it was her fault, she’d been a complete idiot and stayed with Ian. In for a penny, in for a pound and she regaled a fair bit about her relationship with Ian and what he was like. She’d then told Finn about how Rae had stopped Ian in the alley. How Rae had put herself at risk and what she’d allowed Saul to do.

“Jesus Chloe. If I wasn’t stuck in here I’d be in me car on the way to Uffington right now. That utter twat. He need a lesson teaching to him, he needs…”

“Finn calm down. Rae’s ok you know but you’ve got to take it easy on her, real easy.”

Finn was still really tense. “Chlo, I am so sorry about …… about Ian”. He looked up and squeezed her hand. “He was that bloke you were with when I bumped into you when I was with Oliva right?”

  
She nodded.

“Fuck Chlo. I’ve been a shit mate to you an’ all”

“Nah Finn, I’d have never listened anyway if you’d said anything. Look - getting back to Rae - I, well, I think you should know that Rae and Graham broke up after that night in the alley. So she hasn’t been touched by anyone since and you know…”

“I get it Chloe” He gave her a small smile. This was very troubling news for Finn. Whilst he couldn’t help but admire Rae’s strength in putting herself at risk, he was really worried about her. He dreaded to think what that would do to her emotionally.

He was in absolute turmoil when Chloe left. Should he ask Rae about it?

**********************************************************************************************************

Rae was fed up. She’d been kept on her ward waiting to see the doctor so hadn’t been able to go and see Finn. One of the nurses felt sorry for her and called Finn’s ward. Finn had been asking the nurses if he could leave the ward as he wanted to visit Rae. They’d all smiled sweetly, they all wanted to help the beautiful boy with those eyelashes but it was more than their jobs were worth. So when Rae’s nurse called the ward, one of the nurses was only too happy to agree to Rae visiting outside visiting times.

“Hey pet” she said “I’ve got some news for you”. She was taking his temperature and checking for signs of infection. “You know that Rae you really wanted to visit - well she’s coming over soon. I’ve managed to bend the rules to get her here. “ She smiled at Finn and was rewarded with a huge grin from him.

“Ohh thank you. You’re an angel you” said Finn.

The nurse trotted back off to the nurse station with a huge grin in her face - he’d called her an angel - she had to tell the girls this! They all started chattering about the hero on their ward. To be honest they all thought he was rather cute, even the night sister.

About half an hour later Rae’s nurse brought her in. “This is Rae - come to see Finn”.

The nurse smiled - “Give us a minute - the doctor’s in with him now”.

She could just hear the nurses talking from where she was at in the wheelchair. She couldn’t make out everything they said but caught enough snippets… “Do you think she’s his girlfriend” “Her?”….”Do you really think he and her?” …”Wouldn’t have thought she was his type”.

Eventually the nurses took Rae though to see Finn. She was upset about what she’d heard but was determined to be strong.

“Hiya” she said sweetly with a small smile and a wave “How’s you today?”

“You know, all right” he said. He didn’t want to tell her he was exhausted and his arm had kept him awake at night.

“What about you Rae? You able to go home today?”

“Yeah well, once the flipping doctor’s been round and signed the paperwork - sorry I missed morning visiting”

“You er going home then Rae, ya know to Stamford” he said. He didn’t want to broach the subject really as this involved a lot of bigger thinking about him and what he needed to do but he really didn’t want her to be in Stamford and him stuck up here in Yorkshire.

“Erm well, I was going to go back to the farmhouse and stay a couple more days with the gang. I think Chop wasn’t to organise a sort of 4th of January Eve party” she said rolling her eyes.

“Eer Great. Yeah typical Chop”. Finn was worried he wouldn’t be out in time and they would go home and , fuck what was going to say to her?

“Erm Rae, are you and I okay?” Shit that was a bit non-committal Finn. He wanted to ask if she was ok, really Ok, he wanted to ask about Saul but it all seemed so difficult now with the sceptre of her returning to Stamford hanging over them. What if she wasn’t ready for a boyfriend? what if…..

“Yeah” she said confused. This wasn’t going how she expected.

“Come here then Rae” said Finn. He was trying to be brave, he held her hand as she sat next to him on the bed.

“You really sure you’re ok” said Finn.

Rae looked at him questioningly - what the fuck was Finn doing.

He saw her face and knew about her need for reassurance and lent in to kiss her on the mouth but at the last minute he thought about Saul and swerved and kissed her cheek.

She’d gone a bit red and was biting her lip. He was finding it hard to concentrate.

Rae wasn’t sure but it felt like Finn was holding back. She knew they were being watched by the nurses and that made her feel uncomfortable perhaps he felt the same too. But his thumb was gently stroking her hand so she mustered up confidence and leant forward and whispered in his ear, “Ya know I really like you Finn”

The combination of her breath in his ear, the closeness of her body and the insane amount of cleavage he’d managed to glimpse as she’d leant forward made all the blood in his body rush to one place. Suddenly an alarm went off and a nurse came rushing over.

Finn was really flustered, Fuck , fuck, fuck, a nurse was coming over and he had a boner. Jesus. he bent forwards and shoved a pillow on his lap to try and hide it. He really did not want Rae thinking he was some lunatic like Saul who couldn’t control himself.

“Finn will you please just sit back, your heart rate’s gone through the roof.” said the nurse.

“I’m fine, can’t you just leave it?”

“No you’re also really flushed. I’m worried you’re getting an infection - I need to take some observations. And I’m afraid your friend needs to leave now”.

Rae was unceremoniously removed from the ward and taken back to her own ward. Finn was cursing. These fucking nurses would not leave him alone.

*************************************************************************************************************

Everyone had come to the hospital after lunch for afternoon visiting. As Rae and Finn were only allowed two visitors at a time, they’d gone and done a bit of a tag team effort.

Archie and Izzy visited Rae, and Chop and James had gone to see Finn.

Olivia was waiting in the corridor for Malc and Dave. She really wanted to see Finn to make sure he was ok but didn’t want to cause any ructions, Izzy saw her looking down and asked her why.

“Come on Olivia you can come with me and see Finn.I’m sure he won’t mind”

The two visited Finn. Chop was pulling silly faces in the distance and Izzy went to tell him off leaving Finn and Olivia together.

“Finn I hear you’ve been talking again”

“Yeah, suppose I’ve found my voice”

“Well I think we both know why that is.”

Finn nodded. Liv knew about Rae and she’d also worked out he’d never had his mind off Rae even when they were dating. He felt really bad about it but he’d had no idea until Liv had told him that he talked in his sleep and she’d heard him saying Rae’s name over and over.

Finn put a hand over Olivias.

“I’m really sorry Liv. Really sorry. I never really got over Rae and shouldn’t have gone out with you. It wasn’t exactly fair”.

Liv sighed - he was so nice.

“It’s alright Finn. I’m fine you know”

He looked into her eyes to make sure. He’d really cocked up on this one. He wanted a fresh start with Rae and he needed to clear up all this stuff.

At that moment Archie appeared with Rae at the nurses station.

All Rae could see was Finn looking into Olivia’s eyes with his hand on hers. She started to feel sick. She couldn’t’ believe this was happening but it explained why he was so distant that morning and then seemed to panic when she’d told him that she liked him.

“Rae” said Archie.

Finn and Olivia looked up just in time to see Rae running out of the ward.

“No no no, I need to find Rae” said Finn trying to prise himself out of the bed forgetting he still had an IV antibiotic drip in his arm and ripped it out and was on his feet before the nurses could stop him.

Archie turned to get run when he heard Olivia “You stay with Finn, I’ve got this one” and she ran out of the ward before Archie could say anything.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT warning and self harm references.

Archie was restraining Finn who hadn’t been out of bed since the accident and had a cast covering the pins holding his broken bones together. Archie had to full body wrestle Finn back to the bed. Finn was distraught and shouting for Rae and screaming all sorts of profanities.

“Fuck’s sake Finn calm down”

“Piss off Archie, let me go you knobhead”

“That’s a fine way to talk to me when you’ve hardly said two word to me in months. Sit down”

Finn did not want to sit down but three nurses had come over and were scolding him about pulling out his drip, swearing, getting out of bed and it was doing his head in.

“Look can you please give us a minute, I’ll  calm him down “ said Archie.

The nurses acquiesced when they saw the anger in Finn’s eyes.

“Archie - she’s gone again and… and I don’t know what to do”.

“Finn you do know what to do, you need to talk to her - you know connect that tiny thing inside your skull to your mouth and tell her what you feel.”

Finn nodded “But Liv’s gone after her, she’s never gonna talk to her is she. Liv won’t be able to stop her and then what”

“Actually I think Olivia might just be able to help. You know she’s not that bad. She actually told us how much you liked Rae and even admitted she still had the hots for you and that’s why she came here ….”

“Shit, shit shit” Finn ran his hands through his hair.

“But she also said she knew you didn’t like her like that anymore. Finn did you ever like her?”

“Well she was ok. I suppose.” Finn went red.

“I assume that was what you were telling Liv just now then?”

“Yeah” Finn grimaced.

“Finn you are a complete bell-end when it comes to women and your feelings. I mean first there was Stacey and I’m not even going to go there” Archie rolled his eyes “and then were was the wonderful Rae. I know it wasn’t your fault that you broke up that time but going on recent experience I bet you never really talked to her properly did you? Did you ever tell her what you really felt?”

“Sort of. You know I tried Archie. And we did have a secret language”

“You mean you writing missive’s on Rae’s thighs in the pub?”

“How did you know?”

“Neither of you are that subtle mate. Look Finn, all joking aside, you’ve got to talk properly to Rae this time, I know she likes you a lot but I also know she’s had a lot of crap in her life, both before you two got together and after you broke up.”

Finn hung his head. “Yeah. Chlo told me about some bloke Saul?”

  
Archie nodded “ Well I wasn’t exactly brilliant then either. This time we’ve both got to support her and Chlo and help get them sorted and back to school.” He looked at Finn meaningfully.

“Archie, I don’t know,” I don’t know he broke off

“It’s alright Finn” Archie drew Finn into a big hug as Finn cried gently into his shoulder. “I know there are a lot of unknowns for you right now. Whether Leeds is right or wrong, whether Stamford is right, work or school or what. You need a bit of time to think about all of that.”

“Archie if I wasn’t in love with Rae” Finn said with a smile on his face and pushed Archie playfully on the arm.

“Yeah right Nelson. Even if you really were gay, I’m into someone else right now” Shit that had just slipped out.

Finn raised his eyebrows at Archie and Archie blushed.

“John?”

“H, how did you know?” Archie stuttered out.

“Well, he’s a top bloke and I guess he’s not bad looking either”.

Archie nodded and smiled at Finn “Yeah but he might not be into…”

“He might be Archie. I’m not sure but “

Archie gave Finn a huge hug. “I really missed you Finn.”

“Missed you to. Suppose I’ve got to grow a pair and talk to Rae now.”

“Yeah you do. I’ll see if I can find her”.

*****************************************************************************************************

Olivia ran after Rae.

“Rae stop, Rae please stop”

Rae ignored her.

“Please Rae. I really need to talk to you”

“What! You going to apologise for getting Finn back”

“NO Rae. God No.” Olivia could see the tears on Rae’s face. “Rae he was never really mine” It came out of sort of a shout.

Rae stopped in her tracks. Olivia looked a bit uncertain, she didn’t want to say this here but in for a penny in for a pound. “For Finn it’s always been you Rae, always and only you”.

“You can’t fool me - you looked cozy in there”.

“Finn was apologising for, for having ever gone out with me, when “ she bit her lip “he was never really into me”.

“You know Rae. It’s pretty galling when the man you’ve just slept with starts talking about another girl in his sleep.”

“Oh. oh” Rae stopped. Rather a lot of people were looking on.

Olivia took Rae’s hand.” Look I’m desperate for a ciggy, come outside with me and I’ll explain”.

Rae wasn’t sure but Olivia had sounded genuine.

Oliva and Rae sat on a bench outside the hospital and Olivia lit a cigarette and took a long drag.

“I know Finn’s a bit shit with words Rae but the most he ever talked was when he talked about you. I don’t really know why I went out with him when it was clear he still liked you. But he’s a quiet, generous and kind boy and he when he dumped me, he made up some story about the fact we didn’t have that much in common - I have a mortgage and that sort of shit. He did it to try and save my feelings. But I’ve always known it was all about you Rae. He’s got it bad for you”

“Really?”

“Rae he told me as much today. So please can you just go and talk to him?”

“I don’t know. He’s been really funny when I visited him today and yesterday. I know he likes me as a friend but I think that’s all it is”. Rae hung her head.

Olivia took her hand “What is it Rae?”.

“It’s just, just,  well I don’t think he fancies me. I mean I can’t blame him because well compared to you”…. she broke off and tears started to fall.

Things were becoming clear to Olivia. She knew what it was like to have low self-esteem, she’d been bullied at school.

“Rae you’re very pretty, you know”

“I’m not and just look at me, I’m hardly, hardly “

“Rae” Olivia tried to look her in your eye “Ok I’m not going to lie, so you’re not slim. But you have a gorgeous figure. And, you have the best boobs I’ve ever seen.”

Rae looked at Olivia, had Olivia just complimented her boobs?

“I suppose”

“No suppose about it. They are fucking impressive and some boys just love big boobs”. She said with a wink.

Rae gave her a smile - She was pretty sure Finn loved her boobs as she recalled catching him trying to have sneaky glances when they were dating.

“But it doesn’t explain why he was so, so off with me today. I don’t get it.”

“What exactly happened Rae?”

“Well I was trying to be brave and I leant over and whispered in his ear that I liked him and suddenly he seemed to go red and got flustered and he set all alarms off with his heart rate going up.”

“Were you wearing what you’re wearing now?”

“Yeah. I don’t see why that matters. It was like he was so embarrassed and then he chucked a pillow over his lap when the nurses came in. “

Olivia giggled. She had a fair idea of what happened but she was going to have to spell this one out if she was going to convince Rae.

“Rae, I think you’ll find that it’s not that Finn doesn’t like you, I think he might just have found you a little too attractive today”

“What?”

“Well I should imagine when you whispered in his ear you flashed a fair amount of cleavage at him and let’s face it we both know Finn is a boob man. I’m not surprised his heart rate went up and I think the pillow was to hide the effect you had on his body”

“You mean?” Rae blushed.

“Yeah I expect he had a massive boner” and Olivia laughed. “Oh Rae, that night he talked about you in his sleep, he was wittering on chronically which is what woke me up. Then he started saying your name and when I woke him up, let’s just say, it’s clear he’d been having one of those kind of dreams. Fucking humiliating for me”

Rae’s eyes widened.

“Right Rae, do you want to go and talk to him?” She raised her eyebrows at Rae.

Rae looked at her watch “Visitin’ times finished besides I look a mess”.

“Don’t you worry about that. Now will you let me make you up a bit?”

Rae nodded. Olivia set to work with her makeup bag. “Now I think we need to just enhance those pretty eyes. I dont’ want to make you look like a clown.”

Rae laughed. When Olivia finished she looked in the mirror and gasped. “Wow, you’re really good”

“Well I did work on a make-up counter for some years for my sins. I hope you don’t mind but I really hate the overdone look so I’ve tried my best to keep in natural”.

Rae loved it her eyes looked huge and her lips and cheeks were rosy.

“I think you could also pull this down and move this cardigan a bit here”. Olivia was fiddling with Rae’s clothes.

Rae really wasn’t too sure about this, she was now showing a fair amount of cleavage off as Olivia had pulled her vest down and had opened her shirt and was wondering what to do when Malc came up.

“Jesus Christ Rae, you look amazing” He smiled at her.

Rae smiled back and looked at Olivia who was gazing up at Malc. She’d been surprised by this - Malc had known just the right thing to say. She was impressed.

Olivia stood up and held her hand out for Rae “Come-on let’s get you to see Finn”.

Rae took her hand and smiled. Malc walked on her left. They got to the ward. Rae started tugging at her clothes “Are you sure I look, er, ok?”

Before Olivia could answer Malc replied “If Finny boy doesn’t find you attractive looking like that, then he must be brain dead”. Rae giggled.

Olivia looked up at Malc - “I’m going to need your help on this one Malc. I’ll take the doctor” she said nodding at a young junior doctor “and you take the nurses. Keep them talking as long as possible. Whatever it takes” she said with a wink.

********************************************************************************************************

Olivia had sweet talked the young doctor into letting Rae have a few minutes with Finn. Finn had been moved into a side room on account of his previous outburst and so Rae gently opened the door.

Finn was sat up in bed, reading NME of all things. As he put the paper down, a small noise escaped Rae’s throat when she realised his top half was undressed. He was looking incredibly muscular and leaner than before.

Finn suddenly said “Er sorry. You probably don’t want to see me like this I’ll just er” he started pulling the sheets up.

“Please don’t. Well not on my account anyway”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t pull the sheets up. I was admirin’ the view”

Finn blushed and bit his lip. Oh. He smiled shyly and patted the bed next to him. “So, er Rae. I need to tell you something..”

Rae sat down and he took her hand in his. “Ya know I’m no good with words but this morning what you saw..”

“It’s fine Finn really. Olivia and I have talked. A lot”

He was not expecting that. “But Rae I need you to to understand, it was never about Olivia. It was always about you. “ He bit his lip and took a deep breath, “I’ve never stopped liking you Rae, never. I only went out with Olivia to try to forget about ya. But it didn’t really work” he grimaced slightly.

“Yeah Olivia mentioned that you talk in your sleep”.

Finn looked up shyly between his lashes. “oh”

“It’s alright Finn” she smiled at him.

“No I need to say this. What I said back in the cottage is true. I love ya Rae.I fuckin’ love ya and I’m really sorry if it’s not what you want to hear but I really can’t help it..”

He looked up at Rae again. He thought she was going to say something when suddenly she crashed her lips onto his. Oh fuck, oh yes.

Rae pulled back and smiled at him. “You know earlier today when you got all flustered, I meant what I said, I really like ya.” then very quietly she added “I really really like you “

She leant forward and began to kiss his lips slowly catching his bottom lip in between her teeth. He then caught her lip between his teeth and peppered small kisses along her mouth.

“God Rae, you’re so beautiful”

She wasn’t so sure but she smiled and then kissed him fiercely. She knew she was leaning forward and when she pulled out of the kiss she caught Finn’s eyes looking down at her cleavage, his mouth was slightly open. So maybe Olivia was right.

Rae decided to be brave. “Finn do you, do you like what you see?”

He could barely bring his eyes back up. He bit the inside of his cheek and nodded.

“Well would you like to touch the girls? They don’t bite you know”

She heard a sharp intake of breath from Finn and she looked down. He put his finger under her chin and tilted her head to face his. “Only if you’re sure Rae”

“I asked silly” she smiled and placed his hand gently on her breast and felt an involuntary twitch from his body.  Finn’s fingers gently traced shapes on the silky soft skin above her vest. Rae thought that it felt fucking good.

He was still looking down when he gently slipped one finger under the fabric of the vest and under the bra and carried on tracing shapes. Their foreheads were touching and both were taking short shallow breaths.

He moved his fingers lower and then gently started playing with her nipple. It was Rae’s time to gasp. This just spurred him on and he started gently kissing her neck and whispered in her ear “These are fucking beautiful Rae, just like you fucking beautiful”

He was a little surprised when she pulled away and he started to wonder what he had done wrong.

Rae however, just needed a second to refocus herself. “So Finn” she whispered in his ear.

“I think you’re beautiful too, your face, your body” and she ran her finger down his chest. However, she didn’t’ stop at the waist band of his pyjama bottoms as he expected and he swallowed thickly.

Finn couldn’t’ believe what was happening, was her hand really…..oh fuck, oh jesus. There was no hiding from it this time, her hand was around him.

“Is this what happened earlier?” she asked. He bit his lip and nodded.

“You should have said something Finn” and she gently put her hand around his length and then used her fingers to stroke.

Finn’s brain was a mess. He opened his mouth to say something but no sound would come out. What was she doing now? She wasn’t?

Rae gently pulled his pyjama bottoms down. “I’m er pleased to meet him at last” she said and promptly bent down and kissed his cock “Pleased to meet you”.

Was she talking to his cock? This was something else. Finn again went to say something when she took the head of his cock in her mouth and all that came out was a guttural groan.

His mind was obliterated now, it was all about his nerve endings. This girl was something else. She was now peppering kisses along the length and swirling her tongue around the base. She looked up and said “You know I really should say thank you for saving me”.

That woke him up from his trance.

“Rae, Rae you don’t have to do this because I saved ya. I would do that a hundred times over to make sure you’re ok. You know that”.

“I’m not doing this because you saved me, I’m doing this because I want to”. She smiled and took him back in her mouth.

He surrendered to her wonderful mouth and soft lips. He really wasn’t going to last long, her fingers were now tracing shapes on his lower belly and all sorts of noises were coming out his mouth.

“Rae, Rae, I’m going to “ she pushed him back “Rae” this seemed to spur her on and he came undone shouting a very loud “Jesus fucking christ”.

Rae remembered where they were and quickly covered Finn up.

A nurse came rushing in with Olivia and Malc not far behind. Finn had blushed and the blush had spread down to his chest.

“It’s ok” he said “I’m fine”. The nurse raised her eyebrows. “Just me arm”.

“You really need to leave now” said a nurse to Rae.

She nodded and kissed Finn lips. She whispered in his ear “I love you Finn”.

He was too dazed to respond instantly but grabbed her hand as she turned away “Love you girl, sleep well”.

With that Rae, Malc and Olivia left the ward.

**********************************************************************************************************

“Thanks Olivia, thanks Malc. It’s really great I got to see Finn” Rae had a huge grin on her face.

“No problemo” said Malc

Olivia smiled “Er Rae, Finn looked terribly flushed when we came in”

Rae blushed and nodded. “You were right Olivia - you know about the pillow incident.”

Olivia’s eyes opened widely “You mean you ?”

“Well let’s just say I kissed him to the finish.”

At this point Malc’s eyebrows nearly hit his hair “Ya what Rae?”

Shit she’d forgotten Malc was there, oh well. “You know I used my mouth.”

“Bloody hell Rae.” said Olivia “Is that why he shouted”

“Might have been” teased Rae. “Oh My God” said Olivia. “Did you swallow?… sorry I shouldn’t have asked”

Rae giggled and nodded. Olivia’s eyes widened and she broke into a grin “You are something else Rae Earl. Never let Finn forget it”

Malc was rooted to the spot his jaw virtually on the floor. This could not be happening - Olivia and Rae were discussing blow jobs in front of him.

Olivia turned around and held her hand out to Malc “Come on you, you should know some of us girls like giving head”.

Olivia giggled at Rae who put her arm through Olivia’s.

Malcs brain was finally getting in gear “Girls, it’s really late. How about I treat you both to a meal before we go back. I think we should call Jenny and Gary first and let them know where we are. And we should probably tell Archer the good news” he said and Rae gave him a playful punch on the arm. “No I didn’t mean that Rae”.

Olivia was impressed with Malc. She was pleasantly surprised about this kind and caring nature and she had to admit she liked that. To be honest she’d also caught a glimpse of what looked to be a pretty toned body when he had been flashing the nurses his tattoos to keep them entertained to give Rae and Finn as long as possible together.

“I’d really like that Malc” and she kissed him on the cheek.

********************************************************************************************************

Gary was talking to Sarah, Jenny and Steven about Finn.

“I just don’t quite know where we go from here”

“Well you know he’s welcome to stay if he wants.” said Steven. “But it has to be the right thing for him”.

Sarah nodded her head in agreement.

“He just needs some time” said Jenny. “He’s got an excellent group of friends. Even if they are a little crazy, they are all great in their own way.”

Neil laughed and nodded. “Yeah they’re ok. It seems Olivia managed to get Rae and Finn talking properly today. It’s tough for him though after mam died, and what with his mother never having got back in touch since she left”.

Sarah put her hand over Garys. “You’ve done all you can Gary. He needs to work this out for himself”.

Gary smiled “You’re right. I’ve got to back to work in a few days but look how much has changed since we arrived.”

Steven chipped in “Provided you all keep talking he’ll be fine.”

*************************************************************************************************

The gang was down at the pub. Dave was feeling a bit like a spare part but Lucy had talked to him for ages.

Chloe, James, Izzy, and Chop were discussing the party and working out what they needed to do. It was the 2nd of January and they had two nights to go assuming Finn made it out of hospital.

John was headed back to the farmhouse, he was tired and had a fair bit on his mind. Had he made the right decision in not going to University all this talking with Archie made him question his life choices. Archie walked with him.

They started talking about Finn and Archie’s friendship with Finn. “He’s been my best mate for years. He can be a bit of a dick sometimes, likes to think he has the best knowledge of music around and in the past he’s had some dodgy girlfriends. You know the sort - pretty but not very nice.”

“Do you two talk much?”

“Well as know you Finn’s not a great one for talking” Archie gave a wry smile “But he’s been so much better about it since he met Rae. We do talk a fair bit but Finn’s always understood me without the need for too much talking”.

“Really? How?”

Archie wasn’t sure about how much he should say, what sort of reaction he’d get. “Well when I erm, well he just knew what I was going to say and he’d known for years but he’d never said anything never questioned. He’d always accepted me for who I am. He’s pretty amazing really.”

John looked questioningly at Archie.

“Look John, I er, don’t want this to change us from being friends but well, I’m gay” Archie looked at the ground. He heard John stop walking and so he stopped.

John smiled at Archie “Nowt wrong with that. So did you know, I mean have you always known?”

“I kind of suspected for years but I wasn’t sure. I even dated quite a few girls including Rae” Archie smiled.

“Yeah I can see why Rae’s pretty cool”

Archie nodded “Yeah she is and I totally get why Finn likes her. Thing is I just prefer men really quite simple”.

John nodded smiled and decided it was his turn to be brave and held his hand out for Archie. Never were really sure what this meant on either of their parts but they were comfortable walking hand in hand back to the farmhouse.

When they got back, John made tea for them both. They sat in silence across the kitchen table drinking tea.

“Suppose I’d better get some sleep, lots of work to do tomorrow. Not that it ever changes around here” He smiled at Archie. “You’re welcome to kip in t’ top bunk again if you want”.

“I’d like that” said Archie.

The two walked upstairs and got undressed in a comfortable silence, Neither was body conscious in front of the other. Archie put on his pyjamas and John an old pair of tracksuit bottoms and a t-shirt. They said goodnight and both fell asleep with a smile on their faces.

*********************************************************************************************************

The following morning it seemed good spirits were all around in the farmhouse. When Malc had brought Rae back, she’d gone straight to sleep in Mike’s room with Meg curled at her feet.

Gary knocked on her door to take her a cup of tea and check she was ok. When there was no reply, he tentatively opened the door and smile at the site of Rae and dog asleep on the bed. Rae had one of Finn’s shirts on.

Chloe and Izzy were desperate to hear about what had happened. They woke Rae up and asked her loads of questions.

Chloe was a bit put out by the fact it was Olivia who had managed to get Rae and Finn talking again after all she was meant to be Rae’s best friend.

“Actually Chlo, she’s not THAT bad. But she’s not you. You’ll never guess what I did to Finn”

The girls squealed when they found out. “Oh my god Rae, I can’t believe you did that, weren’t you worried about someone coming in?” asked Izzy.

Rae nodded “Yeah but it was so hot Iz, I mean he was making all these groaning noises and it was all because of me”.

“Wow Rae. Told you, you were a goddess. Did you swallow” asked Chloe.

“Chloe!” and then Rae nodded. They girls all erupted into screams and laughter.

Jenny, Gary and Sarah and all the boys were already eating. They all shared a look and smiled. This is what a happy house should sound like.

“What on earth are they talking about?” asked Chop.

“I have a pretty good idea but it’s not for breakfast time” said Malc.

Chop’s eyes widened and Gary went red. He had a fair idea too.

“What’s the plan for today? Do we need to organise anything else for the party tomorrow?” asked Dave.

“We’re pretty much done people” said Chop. “I think we could all do some jobs this morning and help Jenny and Steven out and then perhaps head into town and visit Finn this afternoon?”

“Actually I promised Liv, I’d take her into town to buy something for the party” said Malc. Both Dave and Chop raised their eyebrows at him.

“Yeah and I thought I could take Rae in for morning visiting on the way” Malc added.

**********************************************************************************************************

Finn woke up in a great mood, well horny would probably be more accurate he thought. He had one hell of a boner just thinking about yesterday. However, that just wouldn’t do. He needed to please Rae and to be honest he wanted a bit of revenge for what she’d done to him. He wanted to do that to her.

It wasn’t going to be easy so he had to come up with a plan.

When Rae was brought into his room by one of the nurses, he fished around in his locker and gave the nurse some money.

“Pet you couldn’t buy me some shower gel from the hospital shop could ya as I really think I need a shower today and me da’s hopeless and hasn’t brought me any.”

Rae thought this was odd and started to speak “Finn, I “ was as far as she got before Finn poked her in the side and raised his eyebrows right up.

The nurse left and Finn looked at Rae. “God Rae since yesterday I’ve really missed you”.

“I missed you too Finn. I slept in Mike’s bed last night and Meg curled up at my feet so I wasn’t too cold so I slept ok”.

“I’m glad you slept well but I wish I could have been there with you. Meg’s a lovely dog isn’t she?”

Rae nodded. She bit her lip and shuffled forward on the bed and gave Finn a kiss on the lips.

This time Finn was prepared. They shared a few small kisses before he looked her in the eyes ran his hand through her hair and pulled her in for a proper kiss. He really went for it slowly to start with, running his tongue all over her lips and then running it gently inside her mouth. She crashed her mouth on his desperate for more and he pulled back.

“Like that do ya girl? Like kissing me?”

She nodded. He looked her in the eyes and gain stroked her hair but this time crashed his mouth on hers searching her mouth deeply with his tongue at the same time, he pushed her gently back on the bed. It was bloody hard with one arm in a cast so he sort of ended up lying next to her on his side on the cast.

However uncomfortable it was for him, he wanted Rae to experience what he had but he realised she would probably be mortified if they were caught with his head between those lovely silky legs as he dreamt of so he had to use plan B.

Finn kissed her again and traced shapes inside the top of her vest. He was pleased she was wearing that again as it gave him easy access. He started playing gently with one nipple and then the next watching as Raes eyes closed and small gasps came out of her mouth. Then she started to wriggle gently and he knew it was having an effect.

He removed his hand from her top and stroked her face and then looked at her in the eyes running his hand down over her breasts past her stomach to the waistband of her leggings. He slipped a finger under the elastic and raised his eyebrows to her in question. She nodded. He ran his fingers over her knickers right down between her legs. The twitch and groan she gave him reassured him and he gently started tracing circles over the thin fabric of her knickers. He started kissing her mouth.

Her eyes were shut and her hand grasped him tighter on his shirt. Finn was trying to concentrate but fuck she was so wet and he let out a guttural groan. He was so hard right now it was ridiculous.

Her eyes opened. “You Ok Rae?” She nodded. “Do ya want more girl?” She nodded again.  He kissed her on the lips keeping his hand still. He carried on kissing  her when she brokethe kiss off.  “Finn, Finn please”

OK she wanted this. With a feather light touch he started tracing circles between her legs again over her knickers. Her hips were moving and he gently slid his fingers under the fabric and she let out rather a loud groan. That was hot, that was really really hot he thought.

He slid a finger inside her and her body gave an involuntary twitch. He was aware they didn’t have long and slowly slid another finger inside her. He slowly slid them in and out watching her expression. Her eyes might have been shut but he knew she was really enjoying this. He started tapping his thumb against her clit whilst doing this and it sounded like a squeal came out.

His crashed his lips onto hers as his thumb sped up and she came undone beautifully around him with his lips stifling her groans. For a moment he wondered if he was going to come too, as she clenched so tightly and writhed around his fingers.

Finn had only just managed to get his fingers out from Rae’s leggings when the nurse came in and he was still kissing her.

“Mr Nelson this really isn’t appropriate behaviour.”. Rae blushed deeply and Finn was trying not to laugh.

“Yeah well I’m sure I’m well enough to go home”.

“One more day of antibiotics Mr Nelson. One more day. Here’s your shower gel” She turned to Rae “I’m going to have to ask you to leave as visiting is over”

Rae nodded and Finn kissed her again. “Visit me later girl?” he said raising his eyebrows.

She nodded and left.

He sat up and turned to the nurse. Not caring that it was pretty obvious he had a raging erection.

“Can you get me that bag thing then so I can have a shower”.

The nurse nodded and swallowed. This beautiful young man was sat there in bed with his tousled hair and he knew she could see his erection and didn’t care. He looked like he was proud of it.

After his cast had been properly bagged. Finn went into the shower room off his side room. He knew he was going to have to deal with his boner otherwise it’d probably be there all day long because he couldn’t stop thinking about Rae.

He smelt his fingers Fuck she smelt so sweet. He  started lathering the soap and washing himself running his hands over his chest. His right hand slipped down rather easily to his erection. His body already felt like it was on fire. This was not going to take long, especially when he thought about those glorious breasts. He came quickly and loudly.

The nurse was waiting outside for him to give him his medication. She heard a loud groan. He wasn’t, surely not?

Finn was enjoying the feel of the hot water on his body and replaying this morning’s fun in his head again. He was thinking about what it would be like to have her in the shower with him and his mind wandered back to her wetness. Oh bollocks, he had another stiffy. He tried to think about all sorts of boring things like hoovers and maths lessons to make it go away but the thought of her was too strong. Oh well, he was just going to have to go again. He grinned.

There was a knock on the door. “You alright in there Mr Nelson. You’ve been a while”

“Go away. I’m going to be a while yet. Haven’t had a shower for ages me. Now go away”

Finn’s hand slipped back down over his stomach to yet again deal with the effect Rae had on his body. It wasn’t so quick this time and he uttered a loud “fuck” at the end, which elicited banging on the door from the nurse.

He knew she must have heard him but he didn’t really care.

***************************************************************************************************************

Rae met up with Olivia, Izzy and Chloe in town. Olivia wanted something new to wear to the party and Chloe thought Rae could do with something. Olivia didn’t want to step on Chloe’s toes so she quietly handed her some money and whispered in her ear “Whatever you think of me, please get something nice for Rae, she deserves it”.

Chloe was a little surprised but nodded. “Where you going then Olivia?”

“I need to nip to Boots the chemist to get some make-up supplies. You need anything?”

“Erm, some lipgloss would be great if you’re sure.” Olivia nodded. “And erm can you get some for Rae, her make-up bag is a bit thin” Chloe and Olivia shared a smile.

Chloe and Izzy took Rae to a department store - giving them as much choice as possible. They wandered around looking at the different things on offer. In the end Chloe choose a short lilac dress and purple suede boots. Izzy chose a floral cord mini dress and Rae and a beautiful blue cheonsang style knee length dress. They had great fun trying the perfumes at the counter and bought Jenny some new baking tins as a thank you present. Rae had told them a little about what had happened with Finn that morning.

Olivia browsed around the make-up counters. She instantly found the lipgloss for Chloe. She took some time choosing make-up for Rae and adding in a couple of brushes and a bag to keep in it. Rae was beginning to feel like a little sister to her - someone to look out for. She could certainly see why Finn liked her. She was smart, funny, brave and just had this kind of magnetism. Olivia picked out a couple of things for herself. She was thinking about Malc - he was an unexpected bonus- much changed from the cheeky lad she knew from college, in fact he was caring and considerate and from that glimpse of his ripped body she’d had in the hospital, she wanted to see more. She passed the family planning counter and threw in a pack of condoms, just in case and then went back and threw in a second pack with a smile on her face.

Archie had gone into town and bought a couple of books. It was getting perilously close to the start of term and he had some reading to do. Whilst he was there, he saw an interesting looking book on the second world war, a subject he knew fascinated John and paid for that as well. James had gone with him and bought himself a history book and had bought Chloe a book about France as he intended to take her to stay with his godfather in Paris later that year.

Chop was buying a small present for Izzy a battery operated fairy wand that lit up in the dark. He just knew she’d love it. He’d also bought her some hair slides with shiny burgundy stones that he knew she’d love.

The gang all had lunch in a pub again not wanting Jenny to have to cater for them all again. Rae had joined them and they all wanted to ask about Finn. They decided they would all go and visit that afternoon. They had the party the next evening to look forward to but they were all aware that they would probably have to go back to Stamford on the 5th in time for the start of term. None of them knew whether Finn would be coming back with them, if at all but they also didn’t want to push him.

*************************************************************************************************************

That afternoon the gang took it in twos to visit Finn.

Chloe and Izzy had chatted with him and he’d asked them to look after Rae as best they could. He’d asked them to buy Jenny and Sarah some flowers.

Finn had asked Archie to make sure there were plenty of fairy lights at the party because he knew Rae loved them. He also asked Chop about music and had laughed to find out Chop had actually brought some vinyl with him.  He’d asked Malc about how Olivia was and Malc had said how they were spending quite a bit of time together but he was worried about going home.

Finn actually asked Liv about how she thought Rae was and then asked her about Malc. She’d giggled briefly and then said that perhaps she’d misjudged him as he’d changed so much from college days. Finn was pleased.

He and Archie had talked a lot. About feelings, how you know you really like someone and the importance of talking. Archie had broached the subject of what Finn was going to do - was he going to come back to Stamford to college, whether he was going to stay a while. Finn shrugged. He explained that all he knew was he loved Rae and she was important to him.

Archie pressed him a little further and Finn had admitted there were a number of complicating factors to do with his arm. Firstly, he was probably going to need more surgery which would necessitate further visits to a specialist hospital that Stamford just didn’t have. Secondly he was going to need a lot of physio too. All of this was going to take time and he was probably not in a position to either do a physical job or even return to college as he was going to need a fair amount of time off.

Archie accepted this. He knew Finn really wasn’t ready for making a decision yet especially because there was no “No brainer” route. Finn had said he wanted some time to think and promised he was going to talk to Rae and Gary about it.

Their discussion was so long that Rae managed to miss out on an afternoon visit. She’d really wanted to see Finn but it would have to wait until that evening.

Olivia and the all the gang, apart from Archie and Rae, went back to the farmhouse for supper. Mike took on John’s duties and so John drove out to meet Archie in town. The two had a light supper at a local pub and had talked a lot. John was very touched with the book Archie had bought him.

Rae was disappointed that she wasn’t able to visit Finn but nonetheless revelled in the company of Archie and John. To start with she wasn’t sure but after a while became certain that they were sharing a number of small looks. She liked this.

Archie had mentioned his conversation with Finn about what Finn’s plans were or rather Finn’s lack of plans. Rae was worried, perhaps he didn’t like her enough to come back to Stamford, perhaps she had put him off this morning?

********************************************************************************************************

By the time evening visiting had come, Rae was in a mild state of turmoil.

Finn was very happy to see her, however.

“Hello girl missed you this afternoon”. he got up and kissed her on the lips.

She smiled at him because she couldn’t’ help herself and she’d followed as he’d walked them back to the bed. Somehow she ended up half sitting on him, sharing a rather heated kiss. Then she’d pulled back.

“Rae you ok?” She nodded without thinking.

“You sure?” he raised his eyebrows? She bit her lip. “Look I really think we need to talk, I’d love to spend the whole day kissing you but”

Rae interrupted “Did you not like my, my body this morning” She asked.

“God no Rae” Think fast Finn think she’s not looking convinced at all. He grabbed her hand “Just see how much I really like your body” he said putting her hand on his crotch.

Her eyes grew wide as she felt his stiffy. “And if you must know Rae, you turned me on so much this morning, that I was forced to wank in the shower with the nurse standing outside the shower room this morning”.

Rae smiled. “Twice” he added, “Never happened to me before Rae”

Rae blushed.

“Rae I really really want a repeat of this morning , and well a bit more perhaps. But it’s also really important we talk.”

Rae raised her eyebrows at Finn.

“Yeah Rae, we both know I am shite with words but I cannot risk losing you again. I love you and you need to understand why I don’t know what to do”.

Rae nodded.

“Remember that time I came round yours and told that I had no reason to stay in Stamford”.

She nodded tears in her eyes.

“Its just that I felt nothing was right in Stamford Rae. Nothing”. He looked at the floor and let out a breath.

“When me nan died you were just amazing Rae. I loved talkin’ to ya. Ya made the pain feel less, less bad” tears came to his eyes now.

She grabbed his hand “It’s alright Finn. I loved talking to you. I always have”

He looked questioningly “Even when I was being a knob to ya?”

“Well maybe not then, You were such a prick, so up yourself”.

“Well I think that’s because I fancied ya but I just didn’t realise it?”

“You fancied me back then.?

“Course I did Rae. I didn’t have any idea how deep my feelings were until, I, until I” he didn’t want to remind her of the next bit but it was important, “until I hit big G”.

“Oh”

He needed to carry on what he had been trying to say before. He took a deep breath “I went to Leeds because I didn’t know what to do with me life. I’m hopeless in college me. Then me mates had all fallen out and to be honest Rae I don’t have many friends”

“But you’re so popular Finn, the fittest lad in college”.

“Rae that doesn’t mean anyone who wants to hang out with me, really likes me. They might like me a bit , me body or being with a lad who has a scooter but I don’t think any of them really liked me. Besides most them were complete knobheads or like Stacey.”

“I don’t think I’ve got that many real friends Rae and when none of ,me real friends were really talking to each other and everything else was so crap, I really didn’t know what I had to stay for. I thought maybe if I got a job like Chop, I would feel happier. But I also went away because everything in Stamford reminded me of me nan or it reminded me of you”.

He was picking at his cuticles now and staring at floor. “I had to get away to see if I could move on but I couldn’t Rae, I really couldn’t”. He started to cry softly.

Rae enveloped him in her arms. “Shhh It’s alright Finn. I’m here. Sometimes we don’t have the answers Finn. Sometimes there are no magic answers”.

He nodded. “You know I find talking to Kester helps me. He doesn’t have all the answers either but it helps”.

“Rae, I think I’d like to talk to someone. I think I need to talk to someone like Kester”.

She gently started stroking his hair, she didn’t want to interrupt him as she knew how hard talking was for him.

“I still don’t know what to do with me life Rae - go back to college, get a job, stay on the farm for a bit. All I know is I want you in it, if you’ll have me that is…”

He bit his lip and looked silently at her breaking the embrace. He had never felt so vulnerable before, what if she couldn’t cope with him being like this?

“That’s a good thing Finnley because I want ya in my life to. I need ya to. Maybe I need ya in different ways to how ya need me. But they’re probably similar to the way ya need me” She bit her lip.

“Finn you need to know, I’ve always had a thing about ya. I mean I can’t help liking the way ya look. You are like looking at porn” she blushed a deep shade of red, This brought a small smile to his lips and he was about to say something about her when he realised, she needed to be given the time to say what she needed to.

“That time when you hit Big G. I realised that you were so much more than that pretty exterior of yours. You were prepared to put yourself on the line for me. You’re caring and considerate and you’re pretty good at tidying up after parties and your music knowledge is OK “

“Just ok? Like yours is any better” he teased back.

They looked at each other in the eyes. “Well we’ll just have to disagree on that one then Finnley” she said smiling. He squeezed her hand.

“Rae, I need to ask ya about something?” He looked at her face for agreement she smiled at him.

“Your scars, I mean the new ones. Why?”

Rae really wanted to run out of the room when she felt him stroking her hair. He’d been brave so it was her turn now.

“I was back in a dark place Finn. A really dark place and I” She broke now into tears.

“Were they my fault? You know after how I spoke to ya on the phone. ‘Cos I could never forgive meself..”

“No Finn no. Not your fault. Yes you do owe me a huge apology for how you spoke to me on the phone but they’re not your fault Finn. I chose to do that. It’s like I can let out some of the darkness inside of me by doing that”.

“I think that’s why I was drinking so much in Leeds. I had noone to talk to and I tried to block out the pain but that didn’t work. I’m no good with words anyway so I probably wouldn’t have talked even if Arch had been there”. He hung his head.

“Finn I don’t’ think either of us are very good talking about our problems are we?”

He nodded.

“Will ya promise to talk to me Finn when you’re feeling bad?”

“Yeah Rae. But you’ve got to promise me you talk to me too and if you can’t talk to me, ya talk to Kester or someone please. I can’t bear the thought of ya hurtin’ yaself”.

“And I can’t bear the thought of ya bottlin’ stuff up to the point of ya not being able to talk at all Finn. It fuckin’ frightened me”.

He pulled her into a tight embrace. They were sat on the hospital bed as Gary walked in.

He sat on Finn’s left side and met Rae’s eyes and she gave him a small smile.

“Da, I am so sorry. I caused this huge mess and I fucked everything up. I’ve let you down and Rae down and everyone really”. He was crying now.

“Son it’s alright. It really doesn’t matter now. What matters is what you do now. You’ve got me, your friends and this lovely girl all looking out for you and all of us are happy to help you in anyway we can”.

“It’s never really been right Da. Since mam left it’s never been really right”.

“I know son, I know”.

“Never a call, never a card, nothing Da. Do ya think she’s forgotten about me?”

“I don’t know son. I am so so sorry”. Gary was crying now too.

“I love ya son, I love ya”.

“And I love ya Finn”. Rae was surprised she’d been able to say this out loud in front of Gary.

“I love ya Rae. I really love ya” . “And I love ya too Da”.

The three ended up in a rather odd embrace with Finn in the middle. It was rather like an odd group hug. One of Gary’s hands was on Rae’s arm and the other on Finn’s back. Finn was snuggled against Rae’s chest softly stroking her scares through her leggings. If anyone had walked in at that moment, they would have wondered what on earth was going on, but right then,that embrace felt natural as it gave all three of them the comfort they so desperately needed.

*****************************************************************************************************

Rae and Gary had left Finn sleeping in the end. Rae had insisted he get into bed. Gary and she had each held one of his hands until he had fallen asleep.

The following morning there was much excitement at the prospect of the party.

James had been for an early morning run and Chlo, Izzy and Rae had been discussing his physique . “He’s really fit Chlo”.

“Well he’s proper fit as well as having a body to die for with all that fencing.” giggled Chlo.

“He treats ya right doesn’t he Chlo” asked Rae. “I mean after all that with Ian?”

Chloe nodded. “You know we haven’t actually done it for a while but we’ve had a lot of fun. I mean there are so many things you can do without actually having sex”.

Rae and Izzy smiled at her.

“Actually girls, coming here has meant we’ve not really had the opportunity to do much. But we’ve talked so much and cuddled and stuff. I actually think this might last.”

“What about you and Chop. Have you had fun?”

“Yeah. Chop told me he wanted loads of kids last night, you know when we get married and that. He was really really drunk though”

Rae and Chloe’s eyes met. They were sure that Chop meant it even though he was pissed.

“You want to watch that one Izz, you never know when he’s going to get down on one knee. Though don’t look to happy when he does it as he might be telling a one legged elephant joke!”

The girls all broke into huge giggles.

“Er Rae has Finn said what he’s doing when he comes out of hospital yet? Is he coming back to Stamford and college or what?”

Rae looked down. “Actually he hasn’t’ decided yet. It’s not that straight forward Chlo. I think his arm might need more surgery, he’s got to have a lot of physio and further appointments. He’s not really able to work either.”

“Oh Rae” said Izzy grabbing her hand.

Rae smiled “It’s ok actually. We’ve talked about it lots. I think he’s got a whole lot of stuff to work through you know about his mum and nan. He and Gary need to spend sometime together. But he has told me whatever happens he wants me there.”

Chloe and Izzy weren’t sure quite what to make of it but if Rae and Finn were talking that was good enough for them.

Rae didn’t’ want the party to be brought down by thoughts of the future. It was difficult enough for any of them thinking about returning to college in a couple of days let alone contemplating any life decisions.

“Girls, I really need your help today. I want to look my best for Finn. And I, well, I’m thinking about showing him my ladybits”.

Both Chloe and Izzy shrieked.

“Girls if I am going to let Finn junior in my ladybits, I want to be naked you know. So erm can we talk about downstairs coiffures”

Intense giggles erupted at this point that could be heard in the farmhouse kitchen.

*********************************************************************************************************

“What on earth are they talking about “ said Mike?

“I dread to think” replied Archie rolling his eyes and catching John’s gaze.

“Where’s Malc” asked Mike

“He’s got the hots for Olivia. Big time” said Chop

“Nothing new there though is there? I mean he was still trying to get in her knickers when I set her up with Finny boy”. Said Dave who was feeling a bit left out and a bit like a spare part.

“I think she might actually like him though this time. I saw her whisper in his ear last night” said Chop. “Perhaps we should make this into a sexy party for them and Raemundo and Finny”.

“Chop no, just no” said Archie.

“Only kidding people” Chop said. He hadn’t actually meant it that much as a joke - he really wanted some alone time with Izzy.

Dave was looking into his tea. “Thank god for that Chopper. Who were you going to fix me up with? Nel the sheepdog?” Mike started laughing.

John had noticed Dave had been a bit down. “I think if you made a bit of an effort tonight, you might find our Lucy would go to the party with you”.

Dave looked up and John just gave him a look.

“Right I need to have a shower. Oh who’s picking up Finny boy?”

“I think Gary is” said Archie.

“Do you think I should offer to take Rae along as well?” asked Dave?

Archie shook his head. “Nah she told Gary she wanted to surprise him for tonight.”

Dave and Chop pulled their ‘what the fuck’ faces.

“You know girls want to look good for their man and all” said John. He surprised himself - why was he offering up this kind of chat. But Archie smiled at him and he relaxed again.

****************************************************************************************************

Gary picked up Finn. The doctors insisted on spending quite some time going through his list of medication and the whole host of out patients appointments he was going to need. Finn was desperate to get out of there - this had not escaped Gary.

“Got ants in your pants son?”

“I just want to get out of here.”

“Back to Rae more like” Gary smiled at Finn and Finn blushed.

“Look son, I know she means a lot to you. But you are both young”

Finn looked up at his dad. “Actually son I really like Rae, she’s a great girl but both of you have got a lot of things ahead of you to sort out and to talk about. “

Finn nodded.

“And you know there is no need to rush into things. You also need friends and she’s got college too. And Rae deserves to be treated properly.”

“But Finn I will support you in whatever you choose but for god’s sake be careful with Rae. Your mum was only 17 when she had you”.

Finn nodded. He knew his hormones were driving him wild right now. But his dad was right - Rae deserved the best. He had to make sure they didn’t rush in and specifically he didn’t rush her with all that stuff about Saul.

“I just can’t wait to see her Dad.”

“I know son but you’re going to have to wait, the girls have said they are having a girly day getting themselves ready for you lot. “

Finn was slightly put out but then reasoned that Rae did need to spend time with her friends as well as with him. Actually he could do with sometime with his mates too.

***************************************************************************************************

When Finn got back Archie and Chop double bear-hugged him. Finn insisted he needed a  proper cup of tea rather than the “dishwasher that tastes o’ piss that was the hospital’s poor excuse for tea”.

Archie put the kettle on and motioned for John to allow those three some space. They talked about how Finn was doing and what the girls were up to.

Finn explained how he still had no idea of what he was going to do next.

“Does Raemundo know you might not come back to Stamford immediately”.

Finn nodded. “Yeah I told her last night that I just need a bit of time to work out what’s next but I told her I need her in me life.”

Archie smiled , he was really impressed that Finn realised he had to think things through and that this was going to take time. “I’m so proud of ya Finn. I told you months ago you just needed to think about what you wanted to do and you just needed to talk to people”.

Finn nodded.

“You sure this means you won’t drift apart from Raemundo if you’re not in Stamford with her? Can’t be doing with a repeat of this mess we’ve just had lad” Chop asked.

“No fuckin’ way Chop. Rae is is very important to me - she kind of makes me whole.I fuckin’love her. “

“You have been really clear haven’t you?” Archie asked.

“I think so.” Finn nodded. He made a mental note to tell Rae again tonight what she meant to him.

“But you know I also need mates and me Da too.” Finn smiled at them and Meg wandered in and jumped up on Finn’s lap. “Oh and you, ya daft bugger what would I do without you Meg. “ and he buried his head in her shaggy coat.

Archie and Chop smiled.

Mike walked in. “That dog adores you mate. She’s been wandering around pining for you while you were in hospital. She’s been sleeping on my bed with Rae for the last couple of nights - keeping her warm an’ all.”

Finn thought he wanted to be the one keeping Rae warm.

“I love ya dog Mike. From the first night I came here she curled up on the bed with me. And I love walking her too, it gives me the time and space to think through what I need to say. Though I didn’t really get much talkin’ done did I?”

Mike laughed. “No it’s funny to hear your voice for the first time. I’ve been wondering what it’s like all this time. I was thinkin’ perhaps you would have some Barry White type voice or would you sound like one of them boyband types. Girls flippin’ chase you all the time anyway”.

Finn blushed. “Yeah well, there’s only one girl for me”.

“Yeah and she’s a pretty cool customer that Rae. Even me dad likes her and he’s really not one for girls who can’t bake and cook like mam. Flippin’ dinosaur he is. Caught him this mornin’ saying she was a Rae of Sunshine!”

The boys all broke into smiles at this point.

“Right peoples time to get all dressed up and ready for this party.” Chop announced. “We’re getting there a bit early to make sure village hall’s all ok and the music works” he looked at Finn “and the locals behave” and he looked at Mike and added as an afterthought “Girls are apparently coming later”.

**********************************************************************************************************

A lot of work had gone into making the village hall look special. Dave, Malc and Olivia with the help of Lucy had managed to borrow a lot of fairy lights which were strung from one side of the hall to the other providing a twinkling ceiling.

Hannah and Rob both of whom loved draft had made lots of paper decorations. Some were stars, some snowflakes, there was a name one for each of the guests from the farmhouse and the odd dinosaur!

Jenny and Sarah had cooked and baked endlessly. Lots of people in the village brought food. Everyone wanted to celebrate the hero boy, everyone wanted to muck in together. The pub landlord had provided a barrell of bitter and his wife had cooked a huge hot pot. They’d even closed the pub for the night so they could go to the party.

Finn was amazed when he arrived at the village hall. Half the village came up to him and started asking questions about his arm, about the snow about everything really. Quite a few people patted him on the back. He was a bit overwhelmed and snuck behind the decks set up at the far end of the hall. He was amazed at the records they had there. Chop admitted he’d borrowed a few but he’d actually brought quite a few up as they’d all hoped to get him and Rae back together for new year.

Finn was fiddling round with the vinyl struggling as he couldn’t use his left arm. He couldn’t make his mind up on what should be playing when Rae walked in. He’d thought about Shed Seven, The Roses, Blur even but as she’d walked in with Chloe on one arm and Izzy on the other, it had been Wonderwall that was playing.

Finn looked up and was transfixed. Rae’s hair was gently curled and stood out against the beautiful blue silk fabric of her dress. Her eyes seemed vast. Her lips so rosy. He was absolutely rooted to the spot when Chop whacked him on his good arm “Stop drooling and go out and see her you knobhead”.

Finn suddenly became self-conscious of his checked shirt and jeans combo. His dad had had to cut the arm of the shirt so he could get it on. He walked up to her a bit shyly with the eyes of the hall on him.

“Rae, you look, you look” he stuttered and swallowed. “You look so fucking good that you’ve taken me words out of me brain” . He realised he’d just sworn in front of a whole load of people “Sorry”.

Rae smiled at him. “Not looking to bad yourself. Music’s not bad either”.

He smiled and said rather loudly “Well you ARE my wonderwall Rae”.

Where did that come from - why the fuck did he sound like Chop? Shit, his poor brain was struggling. He then felt her hand take his and it was just so natural.

He squeezed her hand and dropped it to put an arm around her waist and started singing gently in her ear. Rae joined in.

Before long the entire gang and a number of others were singing Wonderwall. A few of the older generation looked a little lost but smiles were all round. Hannah, Lucy and Olivia were handing round drinks. When the song stopped, Chop took the mike

“Thank you all for coming tonight peeps. Tonight is all about having a party for my special friends Rae and Finn , me mates Archie, Chloe and James and me lovely girlfriend Izzy. Tonight’s also about saying thank you for putting up with us lot. Thank you to Steven and to Jenny. And most of all tonight’s all about friendship”. Chop raised his pint in his hand “To friendship”.

It seemed like the whole hall raised a glass and toasted in return.

The evening was amazing. Everyone was talking or dancing or both. As the Roses “This is the One” came on Chop motioned for everyone to get up and dance. Everyone got caught up in the music jumping and dancing. Finn suddenly stopped and put his arms around Rae. He looked her deeply in the eyes and whispered “you’re the one I’ve been waiting for” in her ear and he kissed her. Full on the lips in front of everyone. Rae felt so happy she returned the kiss. There might have been a couple of raised eyebrows but everyone carried on dancing. They knew Rae and Finn needed to do their thing to their music.

Finn was really tired. It may only have been 10pm but his arm ached and he could feel his body telling him he needed to rest. When the song was over he sat down with Rae for a bit.

“You are so beautiful girl. I am so proud to be at this party with you”.

Rae blushed. “I wanted you to have the best night Rae. The best. But I am tired, really tired”.

Rae looked at Finn “You’re probably overdoing it Finn Nelson.” and she raised her eyebrows.

Chop came over with Archie, “You lovebirds ok over here. Want a snakebite?”

Finn smiled “Can’t drink mate, remember me pills”

“Since when would that stop ya, Ya lightweight”. Izzy hit Chop on the arm.

“Rae what about you. You’ve not had a drink all night?”

Rae looked at Finn “You don’t have to not drink on account of me. Go-on girl have one. It’ll remind me of that first time I saw you sink a pint of snakebite in one in The Swan. Fuckin’ impressive it was.”

“Finn you looked like you’d bitten into a lemon or something”

“Yeah well it took me by surprise didn’t it.”

Chop came back with a pint of snakebite for Rae.

“Just for you Finn Nelson.” Rae said and winked at him and downed the pint.  He swallowed and whispered in her ear “Just so you know Rae that was hot. Real hot. Think that’s why I looked so uncomfortable the first time”.

She looked at him. “Any more confessions Finn?”

“Well actually I’ve been meaning to ask you about that time at Rutlands when you sort of mentioned I might have BO”

“You didn’t” She replied.

“I got that bit” he said and he bit his lip “You know when we were lying there I remember feeling so happy, like we had all the time in the world. I sort of felt free”

Rae picked up his hand “Yeah it was nice Finn.”

Archie came over before Finn could say anymore “You alright lad?”

Finn nodded. “Yeah but I’m tired could you ask Chop to” and he raised his eyebrows.

Finn stood up and took Rae’s hand. “Dance with me girl?”

She smiled “How do I know if the music’s going to be any good?”.

Just then the strains of “You do something to me” starting playing. Finn took Rae in his arms as best he could and started swaying gently to the music. Archie dimmed the lights.

“Weller” she smiled “good choice Nelson” and laid her head on his shoulder.

They danced around hardly moving, their bodies locked together in some sort of inseparable embrace. He hummed gently and stroked her hair periodically.

Chop danced with Izzy, Chloe with James, Dave with Lucy and Olivia with Malc. Mike was dancing with one of the girls from the village. Archie saw they were all dancing, he wanted to prolong this moment and scrambled around for another record from the collection. Fuck? What to put on - the only thing he could instantly find was Shed Seven. He was a bit useless with decks but somehow managed to get Chasing Rainbows on without too much of a break.

Finn held Rae tightly to him. He could feel her chest pressed against his and her hips swaying against his. Oh Bollocks, that’d done it again. Fuck. This could be a bit embarrassing. He carried on swaying and tried to move back a touch from Rae to let things go down. However, she pressed herself back into him and then stroked his cheek “Finn”

“Yeah?” He was quite red.

“Is that what I think it is?”

“Depends what you think it is Rae”

“Finn” she said eyes wide and he nodded.

She giggled into his ear. “Oh dear Finn. Oh dear”

“Ha ha Rae, I think I need to go soon, I am really tired. Me dad’s here and Steven and Jenny. Fuck this could be embarrassing.”

Rae motioned to Archie, this wasn’t a job for Chop.

“Archie, Finn’s really tired and I think we need to go home soon”

“Ok Rae, John can drive you back”

“Thanks Archer but first can you please put something else on? And then come back here and dance with us”

“Thought you liked Shed Seven”

“Yeah it’s not that. This sort of dancing’s had an effect on Finn. ” Rae was trying to be subtle forgetting how Archie and Finn shared everything.

Finn started giggling into Rae’s shoulder and Archie caught his eye.

“Finn, Oh god, please don’t tell me, you’ve got a boner right now. You’re hopeless!”

John overheard and starting laughing.

“Finn Nelson “ Archie walked away shaking his head and put on “Waking up” By Elastica.

He grabbed John’s hand which he hadn’t meant to do and the two of them formed a circle with Finn and Rae. “A couple of minutes Nelson, this is a short song. Shall I tell you about the battle of Trafalgar this time?”

Finn nodded and Rae frowned. By the time the song was over Finn was complaining about being bored to death by Archie.

He was now able to say goodnight to his da, Sarah and Jenny and Steven and the gang. He saw Olivia was sitting on Malc’s lap kissing him.

“That should keep her out of your hair” said Archie.

“She’s alright really Archie” said Rae.

Having said their goodnights, John drove him, Archie, Rae and Finn back to the farmhouse. Finn insisted that he wanted to sleep in Mike’s bed. So he and Rae went upstairs.

John asked Archie if he wanted to go back and join the party or if he wanted to stay and talk.

When Archie said he’d like to stay and talk. John replied “I’d hoped you would want to. Fancy a beer then?”

***************************************************************************************************

When they got upstairs to Mike’s room. Rae and Finn sat on the bed. He leant over and tucked her hair behind her ear. He looked into her eyes and kissed her. They sat there kissing for quite some time, neither wanting to break off.

Eventually Rae stood up. This needs some music Finn. She opened Mike’s crappy tape deck and shoved a mix tape inside. “It’s a bit random Finn but it’ll have to do”.

Primal Scream’s Movin’ On Up started to play.  Finn kissed Rae passionately and started running his hands over the dress. He ended up half lying on her.

Rae felt brave and pushed Finn off her. She stood up and unbuttoned the dress and pulled it over her head and started dancing with her arms in the air “Love this song Finn”.

He sat there watching her, watching her breasts gently bouncing, the way she shook her body to the music and the way she ran her hands through her hair. He understood it was important not to interrupt besides he really couldn’t. He could barely breathe and quite honestly he knew all the blood had gone from his brain in one direction. He really didn’t care either - she’d seen it eneoug times now.

As the song finished a slightly more nervous Rae sat down next to Finn. He smiled at her.

“You are amazing Rae and fucking beautiful beyond words. Can I, can I just ask ya if I can take these off.” he said gesturing at his jeans.

Rae nodded. She helped him with his boots and he undid his belt buckle with one hand, then undid the button and fly and slid his jeans down.

She looked down and smiled at him. She was pleased to see that her half naked body had had such an effect on him. He pulled her to him and they started kissing again. He was running his good hand all over her body.

His hand lingered over her breasts in an amazing turquoise lace bra. He started to kiss down her chest and she took a sharp breath in. He slipped the strap of her bra off her shoulder to liberate one breast. He gently lowered his mouth to her nipple. He started gently biting which caused her to buck her hips quickly. His hand ran down between her legs and started teasing her through the fabric of her leggings. She was writhing under him. He tried to get his hand in under the leggings but it was proving hard.

“Shall I just take these off Finn?” His eyes grew wide and all he could do was nod.

When she’d removed her leggings and stood there in her underwear, she’d felt a bit nervous but she walked back to the bed and grabbed his shirt “Fair is fair Finn. Can I help you take these off?”

She removed his shirt and t-shirt over the cast. His erection was now poking out of his boxers. They both looked at each other.

“Rae I, are you sure, you really sure?” She nodded.

“We can stop at any point. I need you to know that” She smiled “Finn I won’t want you to stop”.

He started stroking her hair gently. Then a thought occurred to him.

“Oh Shit Rae we can’t. Shit”

She jumped back like she had been stung. She felt really self conscious now. What was wrong? How could he change his mind like that? Was there something wrong with her?

Finn grabbed her hand. “Rae, no, Rae please don’t think it’s not that I don’t want to, ‘cos more than anything else in the world, I want to make love to you right now. I want to make love to you because I love you and I’ve never loved anyone before, never.”

“But what?”

“Rae” he looked at the floor. “I don’t have a johnny”.

She giggled. “Oh well. You’re going to have to thank Olivia tomorrow then”

He frowned.

“Found these in my make-up bag earlier…. you know the make-up Olivia gave me today” she said waving a packet of condoms at him.

“Fucking hell. Come here”

He pulled Rae into his arms and started to kiss her. Their kiss was heating up with a succession of small kisses and him gently biting her lip.

She stopped him and took her bra and knickers off - he’d never manage that with the cast on and he pulled his boxers down.

They stood there cuddling and kissing naked. Feeling the warmth and softness of each others skin.  Mazzy Star’s Fade into You came on the tape player and Rae gently swayed her body against his.

“I love you Finn Nelson. Please make love to me”.

He smiled “I love you Rae”. He walked her back to the bed and ended up on top of her.

He was worried whether she was ready for him. He looked at her deep in the eyes and kissed her. He looked at her again and slid his fingers into her, gently turning them and massaging. Her eyes were glassy and her breathing had become shallow.

“You really sure girl?”

Rae nodded and picked up a Johnny and rolled it on his length.

They lay on their sides looking into each others eyes as he pulled her close and started kissing her. She felt him lift her leg up with his good arm and felt him very gently position himself inside her.

Finn thought he’d died. How on earth was he going to last. He looked her in the eyes.

“I really love ya, Rae you are everything to me”.

She nodded “ I love you to Finn”. They started kissing slowly. His movements were slow to begin with and she started to gasp pulling out of the kiss. She opened her eyes and stared into his eyes as his movements sped up ever so slightly. They would periodically shut their eyes in intense pleasure their breath coming in short gasps.

The look on Rae’s face as her lips parted in sheer ecstasy was probably the most indelibly sexy thing he’d ever seen. He managed to wiggle his fingers into the gap between their bodies. He’d barely touched her before he felt this unbelievable clenching around him, her eyes shut and her head rolled back  as she shook. He couldn’t take anymore and thrust one last time into her and his breath left his body as he came completely undone. They stayed for a few minutes, regaining their breath.

Finn pulled back and Rae looked at him.  

She smiled “God Finn I love you so much” he smiled back “I love you to Rae”.  He pulled her into an embrace and Rae pulled the covers over them.

************************************************************************************

John and Archie had been talking to each other quietly. They could hear music from upstairs.

As Fade into You came on John commented “This isn’t half bad music is it?”

Archie smiled “They both like to think they know their music best. It’s what drew them together. Actually I like this one too”.

John decided he had to know. Archie was due to be going home tomorrow.

“Dance with me Archie”.

Archie smiled “I’d love to”. John took him in his arms and they gently swayed to the music.

Neither said anything until the music stopped. Archie pulled back to look at John. John was still looking at him. He leant forward and kissed John on the lips. John kissed him back.

******************************************************************************************************

The music on the cassette suddenly stopped.

Rae got up and turned the cassette over. The Charlatans Only One started blasting out, Rae couldn’t help herself, her confidence buoyed up from what had just happened, she started dancing completely nude and really quite suggestively.

Finn swallowed. Jesus Christ this girl was incredible. He sat up on the bed.

“Rae if you carry on like that I’m going to have ta have a wank. I might explode” he nodded at his erection.

“Finn have you got like a permanent stiffy?”

“Yeah well near you it seems I have”.

She giggled. “Oh dear, we’ll have to see what we can do about that”.

She wriggled onto his lap grabbing a condom still moving her body in time with the music.

He could only lie there with his mouth open as she rolled it on. What happened next stopped him from coherent thought. She straddled him and lowered herself onto him. Rae started bouncing up and down and groaning.

************************************************************************************************************

The gang and Jenny, Steven, Gary and Sarah made their way back to the farmhouse. Malc had disappeared to the B&B with Olivia. As they all walked into the kitchen they found a rather red faced Archie and John.

As they stopped chattering they all heard the shouts from upstairs.

“Jesus Fuckin’ Christ Rae”.

“Finn, Finn”

This was followed by some rather loud banging noises and some groaning.

Gary went red and looked at the floor.

“Fucking hell” said Chop.

Nobody knew what to do or say. Steven looked at Jenny, he wasn’t sure she approved.

Then came the most amazing sound - half sung, half screamed followed by a shouted  by a joyous “Oh fuck”

“Quite literally” said Jenny, then she giggled “He’s definitely found his voice again”.

After a couple of minutes, everyone decided it was safe to disperse off to bed.

******************************************************************************************************

Rae snuggled into Finn’s chest. He was exhausted and had quickly fallen into a deep sleep. She stroked his messy hair and looked at him sleeping. She sighed with contentment and shut her eyes. At some point they were joined by Meg in the night.

Finn woke up early. He could hear John and Steven and Mike having a cup of tea. He turned and looked at Rae sleeping. He couldn’t help but whisper in her ear “I love you”. Her eyelids fluttered. Shit, he hadn’t meant to wake her. A smile drifted over her sleepy features. “No I love you”.

Meg had jumped up. Finn groaned as he tried to move. “Fuck”

Rae sat up in bed and looked at Finn who was pale. “Finn what’s wrong”

“It’s me arm Rae. Still sore. You know” he hung his head.

Rae could see how vulnerable he looked. “Finn I’ll get you your pills.”

He lay back down and she got him a glass of water and his pills. Rae got dressed and went downstairs to find Finn some breakfast.

By the time she got back upstairs he was half dressed.

“Oh Finn you could have waited for me, I could have helped ya”

He smiled “Ah well Rae I needed to get up, got something to show ya” he looked at his watch “We should just be in time”.

Rae looked confused.

He held out his good arm and led her downstairs, he grabbed a couple of thick coats from the pile at the bottom of the stairs. “Put some boots on Rae, Mike’s got small feet for a big bloke his should fit”

Rae did as she was told. What was going on?

Finn whistled and Meg appeared. He motioned with his eyes for Rae to open the door. She did and he led the way with a torch walking out onto the moors.

“Finn I don’t understand”.

“Keep walking Rae”.

After about 10 minutes, a faint light appeared on the horizon. Finn grabbed Rae’s hand “Rae I really needed you to see this - sunrise over the moors.” He smiled at her, looking into her eyes.

“God it’s beautiful Finn” she whispered.

“Yeah well that’s how beautiful I think you are.”

Rae blushed. “I mean it Rae. You are beautiful and talented and kind and just, just amazing”

“I used to come up here in the mornings with Meg and think about you and me nan. Nan always loved a good sunrise and a sunset for that matter”.

“I love you with every piece of me Rae, every last piece. I want you in my life and I need you in my life”.

She smiled “And I Rachel Earl confess I am completely in love with you Finn”.

He smiled then a frown crossed his face. “Thing is Rae, me arm, me arm” he started stuttering

She held his hand “It’s not right is it Finn?”.

He nodded looking down stopping to stroke Meg.

“Finn I know what that means. And it’s fine. I know you need more surgery.”

“Well I could just live with it”

“No Fucking way Finn Nelson. If you have to stay up here for more surgery then so be it. You are not, on any account, leaving that arm as it is. You may never be able to work properly if it doesn’t get sorted”.

“Yeah but then I’d be away from you Rae, and I dont’ know…”

“Well it just so happens I like it up here Finn” she smiled.

“But what about…”

“Stop worrying Finn. We’re talking now, properly. I think talking is key. I don’t just mean opening ya mouth and letting the words spill out either. I mean properly thinking about it and discussing things. Tellin’ each other our feelings and not bein’ afraid of them and telling each other what’s really going on”

“God Rae I love you so much. You know me da’s spoken to the hospital about finding a surgeon closer to home”

Rae nodded. “Don’t you worry about that now Finn. Right now we’re here with each other. Watching a beautiful sunrise. Oh and ya’ daft dog’s here too”.

Finn giggled and rumpled his nose at her.

“Finn I really love ya too. I can’t even find words to express just how much I feel about you”.

They stood in comfortable silence and Finn wrapped his arms around her.

“It’s wonderful up here Rae, I just feel so happy you’re here and I know it sounds funny but I feel peace”.

She smiled “Yeah I feel it too”.


End file.
